How to deal with my dad?

[pointbreak]

My relationship with my dad has, for a number of years, been rather superficial. I knows he loves me and would be there for me if something happened, but more and more frequently I find him to childish and bitter.

He sees the worst in anything I say, but won't ever discuss things (rationally or otherwise). If he ever does say anything about some perceived slight he is very abrupt, short and just shuts down when I try and say my piece. Then drags up things (or things he perceived to have happened) from months and months ago. It is tiring.

He and my mum come to visit and stay for 2 nights once a month, to see DS. I find it exhausting as they don't really help out (that is not an issue) and he is just quite draining to deal with. In so far as if I disagree with anything - even something trivial, we cannot have an adult discussion or debate, he just turns away, stops talking and picks up his paper. I find it extremely rude and disrespectful.

After their last visit I am at the stage where I would happily not see him for several months, but for the sake of my DS, I won't do this.

So, how on earth do you deal with a parent who point blankly refuses to discuss anything and acts like a petulant child when you do?

For the sake of your son, DO stop having your parents over for a couple of nights a month. It will be much better for him not to see his mother being disrespected repeatedly in her own home. If your father won't meet you on adult terms, you can bet he's not going to treat your son well either. It sounds like you have endured a lifetime of this - you don't want the same for him do you?

You can confront him and tell him you won't put up with it any longer, set boundaries etc - but I suspect the only thing that will work is to keep him at arm's length and don't spend much time in his company, leaving as soon as there is any bad behaviour. He will play the martyr, I guarantee it.

I'd love to know the answer to this! My dad sulks if I disagree with him in anyway or pull him up on anything however minor.

It's okay to deal with from afar but my folks are moving near me soon and I expect a rocky time as I'm not going to knuckle under or change my life.

Is yours really judgemental? Mine is and he'll relentlessly take the piss about anything he wouldn't do i.e. get up after 7am, buy new clothes...so tiring.

Sorry not trying to nick your thread just sympathising.

Provincial He is okay in front of DS, and generally lovely with him. He onc huffed in front of DS and I made a joke of it and said what a terrible example of set DS (he is 2). He has not done it since. He is also much better when my DH is there (but still difficult).

I don't want to say they can't come and stay as then my mum won't see DS (she has mobility problems and needs dad's help). I really don't want for her to miss out because of his behaviour.

Pineapple Yes he is judgemental, but in a raised eyebrows sort of way.

Sorry to bump this, but I really could please do with some more advice as this is an issue that is troubling me.

thanks so much

A lot of people, as they get older, become harder and harder to deal with. No wonder a lot of oldies end up alone.

I have a difficult relationship with my father too. We're OK on the phone when we manage to have superficial conversations, about the weather and what the DC's are doing. But in person, he drives me crazy. He's also very childish and thoughtless. He makes comments sometimes to just antagonise people as if he enjoyed seeing them angry and upset. He uses what you said years ago against you in arguments and out of context. Awful!

He is also embarrassing to have around if you invite people over. He can wind up even the saintliest of all.

Luckily, he lives in Spain, so I see him once a year or maybe twice a year. I don't even want my boys to have him around too much in their childhood as he can set a terrible example of how to treat people and communicate with them.

My parents are divorced, so I see my mum separately. I really enjoy having her around. She's easy going, helpful around the house. Loves my partner and hanging out with us. She's not bitter inspite of having had a rough time in life.

The way I deal with my dad is keeping him at a distance. I resigned myself that he's not going to get better and that he quite enjoys being alone, so I give him that space.

I wish our relationhip were different but it comes a point in life when you realise there's nothing much you can do to change difficult relationships or people.

I'm sorry that my advice is not very optimistic. But my rule in life has become to avoid people who irritate my nerves as much as possible. And, unfortunately for everyone, my dad is one of them.

Thank you Mm. I have realised he won't change that is his fault, not mine. Were it not for DS, I wouldn't be seeing him for many months. But, DS is here. He wants to see DS, as does my mum. And if I deny my dad the chance to see my DS, then I also deny my mum, which would break my heart (and hers I am sure). So, I suppose I need to work a strategy as to how to deal with him when I do see him, which I will, as they come to stay once a month.