Should I go back home?

[Milkandlotsofwineplease]

Haven't posted on here for ages but I really could do with some wise words from the ladies (and gents) on here.

Basically I moved to London from my home in the North East a year ago this month. I was having a really bad time with my fiancée and it was a very impulsive 'running away from it all thing'. He encouraged me to go and in hindsight I realise he just wanted rid of me. We initially stayed in touch & he would come down to visit me etc. I haven't spoken to him since December however as he suddenly cut contact with me & now refuses to see me.

I've tried really hard to make a life down here and I love lot's of aspects of living in London. I've made a couple of really good friends and done some amazing things. On the other hand though I'm struggling to make a wider social circle and feel like a bit of a failure compared to lot's of the people I meet. Most of them are in their twenties, and I guess at 33 I feel old and past it (ridiculous I know)

I miss my ex so much, even after 7 months of not speaking. Some mornings I don't want to get out of bed and I spend a lot of time feeling very down and tearful. I've managed to get into a couple of disastrous situations with guys down here. The last one (very recent) has left me feeling pretty worthless and bitter about love/men. Basically I don't feel as if I will ever get over my ex. I feel as if my life is effectively over without him. I know that's pathetic & I've stopped talking about it with my friends as they just tell me I'm better off without him.

I'm on ADs which take the edge off but I just feel so sad. I'm really torn as to whether I should forge ahead trying to make a life down here regardless, or if I should go home to where my family are. I miss them so much, and my friends and my horse who I had to leave behind. I suppose the crux of the matter is that I should get over my ex but I just don't know how to. I'm terrified that I'm going to feel like this for the rest of my life.

Sorry, this probably doesn't make much sense. I just feel very down tonight...

Hmm. Well, you evidently are making the most of London and have a social life, etc. That's pretty good going! Well done :)

Although I don't think 7 months is really long enough to give a place a good chance, I'd probably be hearing how you miss the old place and your horse, and advising a cautious return. But this is all about your ex, really. If you go back, you won't be going back to him. You won't even be going back to the life you had there, as it was a coupley thing before. I think it might be better to stay where you are for now, keep building your friends and interests, and revisit the question after you've let go of your ex.

It sounds as if you might need a bit of help with that? Can you afford to see a counsellor? Some CBT might sort out your thoughts of dwelling on the past, and help you get more pleasure from the joys of your new life.

Have you been back often since you moved? If not at all (or only for family Christmas), then have your holiday back home this year and see how you feel about it. OTOH, if you've been going back every other weekend, then stop!

See about that CBT. Good luck :)

Garlic I've made massive efforts to make friends & get a social life down here. Some of it successful, some of it not so much, but I do try! London is not exactly a place where people are falling over themselves to be friendly unfortunately. At the moment though I'm feeling too bad about myself to even want to go out and socialise. Not like me at all. I normally love going out and meeting people.

I've actually been here a year. It's been nearly 7 months since I last spoke to my ex though.

Yes I totally agree with you when you say I won't be going back to my ex if I go home. I think my mind is refusing to accept that though. I try & try to get my brain to accept that it's over between us but It just doesn't compute! I'm actually waiting to get an appointment with a counsellor through my GP and hopefully CBT as well.

I'm the sort of person who just really struggles to get over things. It literally takes me years to get over painful events. Plus I suffer depression so I tend towards totally negative thinking. I'm convinced there's something wrong with me that I can't fix because I can't even see it. The rejection I've just suffered from a guy I got involved with down here hasn't helped. It's made me feel even more useless and unlovable.

I went home the weekend before last & it was the first time in 3 months. I really need to go home more than that though because I miss my horse terribly. I just wish I could have my old life back basically. I feel like it's all over for me at the grand old age off 33.

I'm also coping with the fact that my beloved dog died last month after 16 happy years together. I feel totally heartbroken but it's really hard to talk to people about it.

I'm sure I will work through it somehow eventually. I've just never felt this empty & hopeless before in my life. It actually scares me how bad I feel.

Milk ?..I'm really sorry about your dog. That is just heartbreaking, and it makes everything else a bit more painful too.

FWIW I think bonds with animals are very important, and if your horse is calling you home, as well as your family, it's time for a holiday at home, at least.

You will definitely get over your ex (though you don't want to maybe. I can recognise that feeling.) There is no set time span on this, and it's far too soon to think it will never happen. Nor can you do it because you should. It's like a wound?it takes the time it takes.

You have to just go through it, and accept that some days you feel b awful, some days not - and that is part of recovering.

As to whether you should go home permanently?..well, there is no 'should' about where you ought to live at any particular time. If you've had it with London you can move on again if you want to. That includes spending time back home, and/or staying there if you want to.

There are no prizes for living in any particular place ? the point is to be happy!

One thing though - when you've moved away from an area (or a country) some people say they don't fit in 'back home' any more? and nor do they exactly fit into the new place. This is my own experience, in a small way. You become a kind of permanent exile and never quite fit in anywhere! So don't be surprised if it happens to you, it's just a sign that you've grown.

Thinking of you, and again, I'm so sorry about your dog. Keep posting here if it helps. It is not over, just a bad day, truly.

I would go back yo your GP and explain how you are feeeling, I guess you would either change dosage of your current AD or try different one.

When my 5 year relationship broke up it took a year to get the money back he owed me and probably another year to process the impact the relationship had on me to really start looking forward.

I too had that negative voice and it took a very wonderful friend to point out that I was using the breakup for attention and i was constantly telling people about it for me to finally stop talking about it.

We weren't even engaged like you were so don't critisise yourself for not being over it in 7months.

I agree with the others when they say to question why you want to go home. My DF and I are wondering whether or not to move back to England, even though we are enjoying OZ. it was a big moment to realise that the life we had when we left is not there anymore because people have grown up, gotten married, moved, changed jobs.... All the things they should be doing. So if we do go back we need to be realistic about the life we would have there,and the people in it.

It is fine to go back, just be realistic about what you are going back for.

And maybe going back more often for a visit will help the decision making. Check out what jobs are there and what wages you could hope to get and where you cold live. That will also help the decision making process.

And don't get hung up on being 33. Being 33, single free and happy is better then 35 married to a wanker and stuck.

I suspect it's all bound up in homesickness, myself. You miss the familiar, friends, scenery, and the ex is part of that. He himself though, as I remember from your other threads, treated you like dirt so missing him is a bit masochistic. Sometimes horrible partners take longer to get over than nice ones, because they've had you dancing attendance on them and spending every waking moment thinking how to please them.

It's like hitting your head against a brick wall. When you stop, it feels funny. But going back to it would be a mistake.

In your shoes, I'd go home and reconnect with family and friends. You won't get back together with your ex but you'll be far happier with people and places you know. London is a great place but, if it's not working for you, there's no reason to stay and I don't honestly think ADs are the answer. He drove you out of your home. You can decide to go back

Thank you for all the kind replies ladies.

lady Thank you for your condolences regarding my dog. It is horrendously painful. I can't believe I will never see him again. I miss him every second of the day.
I totally relate to what you say about feeling an exile. I feel a bit like that now when I go home. It is so quiet compared to London. There is also not the exciting feeling of 'Anything could happen' like there is down here (even if at the moment most of the things that happen are quite traumatic)

Aussie I know 7 months is nothing but I'm honestly terrified of how long it is going to take. I go to bed feeling ill and wake up feeling even worse. Annie Yes the relationship was bad towards the end but I just want to turn the clock back and make things right again. I know that I can't and I'm pretty sure he will have a new girlfriend by now. I just wish there was something I could do/say to get him to take me back.

Cogito I guess he did drive me out of my home in a way. But it was also my decision to come to London and I have to accept responsibility for that. The thing is he kept telling me how we would 'Always be in my life' and I honestly thought we would end up working it out eventually (naive I know) If I had thought moving here would result in him shutting me out of his life completely I would never have done it.

Gosh this all sounds like a self pitying rant. I'm just feeling pretty desperate at the moment. I've always had hope in the past (no matter how bad things were) that they could improve. Now I just feel like the world is full of mean, heartless people and I'm just not worthy of love or a proper relationship.I'm struggling to even put a brave face on things for people at the minute.

"But it was also my decision to come to London and I have to accept responsibility for that"

Responsibility doesn't mean you can't change your mind and make another decision. We all make bad decisions from time to time and sometimes the bed-making and lying in it aspect applies. But, if you have the power to make changes, don't condemn yourself to living with a bad decision simply out of pride or face-saving. That would be silly.

Actually, sweetheart, you sound really depressed. I do remember your thread around Christmas. Losing you dog must make it even worse. Grief is depression, you know, and piling it on top of existing low moods can be devastating. I'm sorry you're going through it :(

It's not always a good idea to medicate grief - there is healing in the pain - but when it's making you feel as helpless and lost as you sound, then there's an argument for using antidepressants to take the edge off it. Would you think about going back to your doctor to try a prescription adjustment?

The advice is usually not to make any major decisions soon after bereavement, by the way. Perhaps you can explore all of your options a bit more thoroughly while you get used to your dog not being here? Action plan on here, maybe?

Don't expect much of yourself right now, you're fragile.

Hello Milk I remember your previous threads. No advice on the go or stay issue but I wanted to say how very sorry I am about your lovely dog :( Not surprised you are feeling so sad, losing your darling who's been there for you for so many years is heartbreaking. Sending you supportive thoughts

are you OK Milk? Who can you call on in real life, just to talk to? Think of doing that if you can.

If you have the strength, my feeling is you should think of packing a bag, getting on a train, and going to see family, friends, and that lovely horse of yours, straight away. Go off sick on Monday if you have to (depression is an illness, and will go on a doctor's note).

If you feel desperate, ring Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90, or post on here and tell us how you are. You are not alone and people care about you. x

Hi lady yes I am still here. I have to go out now but may be back posting later when I've had a few and am feeling maudlin.

Thank you for your kind words hellon and those of everybody else who has posted. It means a lot to me.

I think moving 'home' will make it harder to cope with the break up. You will see reminders of him everywhere. Persevere with your new life in London. Try to get some cbt.

Sorry to all the lovely people who posted that I didn't post again properly to reply.

I've decided to go home tomorrow. I want to see my family & my horse. Also, one of my best friends is in the process of trying to rent a livery yard. If she does she want's me to come home and help her run it as her business partner! I'm really not sure what to do, so I'm going to discuss it with her properly at the weekend. On the one hand running a stable yard in the countryside is probably my dream come true. Yet on the other I will miss the social life and excitement of London.

To be honest I feel like I don't trust my judgement anymore. It's like I feel I can't actually live my life without my ex in it. I literally feel as if my existence is on hold and I'm scared I will always feel this way. It just hurts so bloody much that he has moved on with his life and I can't. I'm scared I will always feel this way

No need for sorry, Milk...

The first part of your post sounds exciting and heartwarming, as I feel sure your horse wants to see you too (and your family!) ?and, perhaps a business opportunity is there as well. It's worth a look, at least. I hope your trip goes well.

I understand the conflict about London. If you do decide to stay, perhaps you could schedule regular trips back to catch up with friends and entertainment. It will make it seem less of an either/or situation?

You are young and all that matters is that you're as happy as possible, wherever you find yourself.

I'm sorry you have so much pain connected with your ex. You won't always feel this way. I know it's easy to say, but you've already grown and moved on yourself, even though you don't feel like it.

From the little I've read here, your ex is not worth your love and appears somewhat cold. Soon you will take back your love, and give it to someone who deserves it more.