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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure if he has or is cheating on me

15 replies

LuvisblindHaveIbeentoo · 27/07/2012 21:31

Hi
I'm looking for some insight on my situation. I've been married 5 yrs & have a 3 yr old and 6 mth old. I luv my husband and always believed that he luved me too and would never do anything to hurt me (but I guess we all think that in relationships, right?). Recently, I discovered old emails from when I was pregnant with my first between my husband & a girl whom we had met thru a mutual friend's wedding - he was the best man & she in the bridal party. The emails span a 2 mth period after the wedding in which my husband is telling her how sweet & awesome she is. Theres also talk about meeting up for lunch and indications that there were late night conversations. Looking back this is around the time he started choosing to sleep on couch saying it was too hot in our bedroom (which it actually is but He never did this before) There's not much more revealed in the emails but it was the eyeopener to me realizing that they were talking and seeing each other behind my back and I had absolutely no clue. Oh and also I kind of figured out that he got a new cellphone when the emails stopped so i think thats how the continued communicating, although he told me they just talked for a couple mths and then stopped??? What's killing me is that this happened so long ago so I'm not sure how to ever find out the real story of what happened between them. I confronted him and he admitted it was wrong to keep it from me but swears on our kids he's never cheated on me. I do kind of believe him but think maybe this was more of an emotional affair. I know that they are still friends now but she's married and recently had a kid so I'm not sure what the relationship between them is now. So I don't know if he cheated but I've been extremely upset about this cause it now has me questioning my entire relationship and what other lies he's been telling me. I've been trying to "pay attention" more to his words and actions but he uses a work phone which is password protected (so i cant "check up" on him) and he travels for work so it's hard to establish a normal routine for him or keep track of if he's really where he says he is. Am I just being super paranoid about nothing or is this the gut instinct that maybe I haven't been paying attention to in the past???

OP posts:
stuffitunderthebed · 27/07/2012 21:41

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stuffitunderthebed · 27/07/2012 21:42

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EclecticShock · 27/07/2012 21:59

I'm sorry OP. Hope you find a solution.

ScarletSmellyFeet · 27/07/2012 22:11

Trust your instinct and think about what you would want to do if he did tell you he has had sex with her 3 years ago. Do you want to know for peace of mind or would it be a deal breaker?

stff lovely to see you posting, how are you?

ScarletSmellyFeet · 27/07/2012 22:11

stuff ffs

stuffitunderthebed · 27/07/2012 22:29

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ScarletSmellyFeet · 27/07/2012 22:50

I'm on a name change after a thread quite like this one and your thread stuff.

I wish you both loads of luck and I have posted on your thread again stuff.

Ffs Grin

stuffitunderthebed · 27/07/2012 22:53

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ScarletSmellyFeet · 27/07/2012 23:06

It may well go wrong but you mustn't live your life with what ifs. Same as the op really, if her dp did cheat then only she can decide on what she wants to do.

MN is a great support but you need to take it all with a pinch of salt because only you know your life and every thread is only one side of the story.

I name change because I'm staying with DH for now and wanted to post on light hearted threads without some thinking that is that poor caah that has a wanker of a DH.

I wish you both luck and please do keep posting Smile

stuffitunderthebed · 27/07/2012 23:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarletSmellyFeet · 27/07/2012 23:16

I wish the same to you to stuff it has been awful reading your thread and feeling your emotional distraught and pain, so glad we have seen you through it and I'm glad you feel more settled with your own decisions.

You will never forget what he put you through these last few days but if you have sense you will let that make you stronger.

Op, sorry for the hijack, I do hope you come back.

stuffitunderthebed · 28/07/2012 01:45

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skyebluesapphire · 28/07/2012 03:35

Luvis - trust your instincts, one deleted email was enough for me to check Facebook snd mobile records which proved inappropriate contact . I discovered after STBXH had slready gone but I'm glad I did as it throws s whole different light on why he left me...

Good luck and best wishes

LuvisblindHaveIbeentoo · 28/07/2012 04:49

Thx for the responses and advice. I think I'm just really confused because when I first found these emails I was mess for over a mth because my mind just kept wondering what else don't I know. and it scared me that I could be this worked up and I don't even know if he cheated but I guess not knowing is just as hard to deal with. Now I'm more calm but I'm still trying to figure out if I need to worry. You see when I was single/dating I would have said that I would never let a guy disrespect me and then life happened and now that I'm married w/two kids I think I would fight a little harder to make the marriage work...not to say I'd be a doormat but I finally get it now when ppl say it takes work to make a marriage last. If he did sleep with her I think it would definitely change my thinking (although I can't say at this point what I would do) but as it stands all I know is that he was talking inapproriately to this girl and hanging out with her behind my back yrs ago. I don't know if anything ever went too far or if something is going on with her or anyone else for that matter right now and I don't feel like I have the means to find out. I don't have any of his passwords so I have no way of checking his phone or pc or anything else so I feel helpless. But I guess what I really want to know is if I'm just working myself up over nothing (maybe just a momentary lapse in his judgement -this assumption is based on him not cheating just chatting with her) or is there more because now I don't know the difference between my gut and what's paranoia. I know no one can figure this out but me but I guess it helps a little to just vent. Thx for reading.

OP posts:
ScarletSmellyFeet · 28/07/2012 11:02

If you wanted to you could make him lose his phone and then pay to have their removed or you can buy a device that sends sent messages to your pc, look through old relationship threads and you will gleam so much information from them.

If you can get into his phone you can swap your number for hers and then start a text conversation with him and see how far he takes it etc.

It is soul destroying stuff when you spend your days sneaking on your partner but I found, still do find the not knowing the hardest part even though he has admitted on ea I don't believe that is all, if it was the. Why not admit it when I begged him to all those years ago?

I have lost so much respect for him and apart from daily chat I can't help looking at him and thinking what a self centred fuck wit he is.

He has ruined my memories of our past, ruined history of when DC was born and I dont believe I will ever feel the same about him again, sad stuff but we are tied together financially and emotionally for now Sad

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