I don't quite know what to do anymore

[mojo1981]

I have been with my partner for 5 years this september and we have a DD 14 months.
I love him to bits but he has an underlying problem which i thought was getting better.
He drinks, not to great amounts, doesnt get violent or anything like that but he seems to do it to "blot things out".

His mum died when he was a child and his father earlier this year, His father, a lovely man but an alcholic, and i am concerned he is going the same way.
the stupid thing is that he cant handle his drink so it doesnt take long for him to actuallly get drunk.

I spoke to him about my concerns a long time ago when i found empty bottles of cheap whiskey hidden in his studio (he's musician), hidden in random places where he thinks i wont find it, like bottles stuffed in his socks in his draw.

I told him that i would walk if he didnt stop drinking and he did stop, but its slowly crept back, im not a tee total and i have my vices, i smoked for year and actully quit for 2 years untill about 6 months ago when i started again when i went back to work after mat leave, mainly cos my boss smokes (only two of us in our office/showroom) and boredom!

But i came home today and after putting baby to bed i found a half bottle of vodka by the bed (half a 350ml bottle) i know its not a lot but thats not the point.

when i asked him he said that he was supposed to be going out tomorrow night with some friends from his previous job but had not been able to get hold of them, felt sad and decided that he'd drink this afternoon instead...on his own.

He is now upstairs, fast asleep, and i cant help feeling like i have made a mistake and setting myself up for a life of misery.

I love him to bits and he's a good dad to our little girl but part of me is wondering weather to get out now?

things havent been easy recently variying factors but it stresses me out even more thinking that if things get hard is he just gonna get drunk?

I know how upsetting it can be having unreliable friends or not many friends, im exactly the same, i left my friends and family 200 miles away to be with him and i have never made any true friends but i just deal with it.

if i did leave i would go back to my family and friends, but i dont want my daughter to grow up in a broken family, i dont want to be part of a broken family but i also dont want to be miserable for the rest of my life.

we're not married but we do own a house together (that we only bought a year a go). I just dont know what to do. advice please??

Does he acknowlwdge he has a drink problem? It sounds like you are describing all the classic symptoms of alcoholism. Hiding the bottles, using alcohol to manage his difficult feelings etc. I think in most areas (certainly where I live) there are alcohol/substance misuse counselling services which are free and confidential and people can self-refer. If he is ready, and maybe the threat of losing you might help him address this, this could help him.

You don't want your DD to grow up in a broken family, which I get but the alternative is allowing her to grow up with an alcoholic. Which, let me tell you is an absolute nightmare and often horrific, from a child's point of view.

He really needs some counselling, you could make it a deal, as part of staying with him but ultimately it has to be HIM willing to get help and work at it.
If he won't get any help then unfortunately you will know that the alcohol is more important to him.
I wish you luck xx

It doesn't really matter what triggered him to drink this time. Trust me, we can always find reasons to drink.

I'd suggest you get yourself to Al-Anon and this is a very good book with a section for loved ones.

To be honest, your family is already broken if alcohol is a problem. He needs to know that his drinking has consequences if he's still at the stage where physically he can take it. I should warn you that in the short term if you put pressure on him to stop drinking, he is likely to drink more. If you leave him, he is likely to drink more. But if you stay, you will have to suffer the consequences of his drinking.

You don't have to leave him in the sense of formally separate from him, but you probably do need him to leave whilst he decides what he wants to do. You can only change the story for yourself and for your dd; he has to be the one to decide how his own story plays out.