Want to leave, but so scared of hurting him

[OlympicBreakfast]

I stopped loving DH about 8 years ago. I wish I could explain why. There are lots of things about him that I don't respect or understand. We have 2 DC and that's the only reason I'm staying, really.

We only have sex about twice a year. I only manage that by pretending he is someone else, I don't like the things he likes in bed. It's been about 8 months now and he's trying to push for it, but this time I really, truly don't think I can go through with it. At the weekend he started spooning with me in bed, rubbing himself on me and I just lay frozen, facing away and hoping he would stop.

I have told him a few times that my feelings are changing but he just wants to go on being chirpy and pretending all is well. He's always saying that he loves me, but I feel utterly trapped and unhappy. I'm now on anti depressants again for the 3rd time in our 12 years... I can't work it out, is he a good steady man standing by a mentally ill wife, or is he an ostrich who wants to pretend everything is fine and not face up to how unhappy I am with him?

I am completely financially dependant on him, having compromised my career in crap jobs that fit around him and the kids and I don't know how I could get out. We've no assets.

Can anyone help me?

I am so sorry you have felt you are enduring this difficult position...and for such a long time too...

Do you believe your depression is mainly due to your life situation?...Do you think you want to change this so that you are more fulfilled with your own life on a daily basis...maybe it would help in many ways?

Could you re-think your employment opportunities and go and get a job you would enjoy/are better qualified for?. Access childcare to allow you the freedom to choose what job you wanted to do?

This would give you personal focus, build your confidence, help get you feeling more positive, have your own income and possibility to make savings for yourself into a small isa or something (for a future goal)...more self empowering outlets could lift you out of the place you feel you are in...it could improve how you feel in general and you would then feel it was a level playing field with your DH...your option's greater and in your relationship would help both of you to look at everything with a better perspective...

At the moment maybe your DH believes you are fulfilled with motherhood and looking after the home, etc and maybe hasn't realised you would be happier altogether if you had your own independence and could fulfill more for yourself personally.

It could be a step in the right direction for you and also for the dynamic's within your home and marriage....at the very least it would build up your ability to be in a stronger position if you did choose to leave the marriage, financially and otherwise....

One day your children will up and leave home; what then for you if you are still within this marriage?.

Staying for the sake of the children is never a good idea as your whole relationship with their father is then based on a lie. What do you want to teach your children about relationships? What are you both teaching them about relationships here?. Both of you are currently imparting damaging lessons to your children. If you were to tell them subsequently that you stayed because of them they may well call you daft and also may well go onto accuse you of putting him before them in childhood. Its certainly not a good relationship lesson to teach your children is it?. They likely see and pick up on all the vibes and wonder what is going on between Mum and Dad; they see you unhappy and wonder why and perhaps even blame themselves.

You've ended up on anti depressants for now a third time because of these problems and you owe it to yourself to address this properly now. He pretends that all is well and is also not wanting to hear what you are saying. You simply cannot stay in a loveless marriage; its destroying you emotionally.

Seeking legal advice is a good way forward; I believe that some solicitors would give you a free 30 minute consultation. Knowledge is power, arm yourself with knowledge.

This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read.

I feel so sorry for your DH - he loves you but has unknowingly wasted 8 years of his life on you, being granted sex about twice a year only because you pretend he is someone else.

You both deserve better - better to hurt him now than when the children leave home and you feel ready to do it, at which point he has wasted another eight years (or however long) on you.

adeucalione ...The OP has tried to explain the position to her DH...he doesn't hear what is being said....choosing to pretend the garden is always rosey.....he is not 'unknowingly' a poor bloke with no idea of wasted anything....he just chooses to not meet the OP half way when it's ever discussed....subjects her to whatever his preferences are towards sex and doesn't appreciate his wife finds it distasteful or difficult for her....that's incredibly selfish and not a good situation for anyone to find themselves in....hence it happens as infrequently as the OP can make it (it's that bad for her)

the DH knows well and fine that their marriage is in this position but refuses to address anything....hence the 8yrs of struggle and getting no better for anyone...and the OP feeling trapped and stuck in the marriage without a way of changing the perspective at the moment....

Posting for help and advice...not negativity and downing her.....it's just unhelpful and a bit callous I feel...

I'd suggest you look into the legalities and practicalities of divorce and then instigate a meeting, either independently or using a mediation service, and be honest with your husband that you want the marriage to end. There's really no benefit to anyone... not you, him or the children... in carrying on the pretence.