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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"So, go and marry him then"

22 replies

PurplePlant · 27/07/2012 15:02

I was telling my (d)p about chatting to a male at a friends birthday party recently.
The male was/is unknown to me. After a short exchange we realised we had both been to a small gig a few years ago at a nearby pub. Just one of those funny coincidences.
I spoke to this man for probably no more than 5 or 6 minutes. I wasn't attracted to him and definitely didn't pick up on any signals from him.

What struck me afterwards was that, as a SAHM I never speak to any males apart from dp. (I mean on a one on one basis) like you would at work if in a meeting etc.

What saddened me was that I realised with crushing clarity that when dp speaks to me, it's either neutral or negative.

I'd had a conversation with a man who didn't criticise me nor, did he ask what was for dinner.

It made me realise that I'm not a negative, nagging, pain-in-the-arse person to other people, just (d)p.

Sorry - this is getting long!

I spoke to dp, tried to explain this to him (as gently as possible)...
his reply is the thread title.

Cue stony silence for the rest of the day.

OP posts:

Offred · 27/07/2012 15:04

Eeee too much of this about atm...

Offred · 27/07/2012 15:05

Bet you are not a PITA, even if he finds you are then he should leave you to it rather than tell you all the time you are shit. Maybe you should marry gig guy!

twolittlemonkeys · 27/07/2012 15:08

Don't know about marrying the gig guy, but if none of your DP's communications with you are positive, you should certainly think long and hard before marrying him

Offred · 27/07/2012 15:08

Indeed.

Margerykemp · 27/07/2012 15:09

You don't sound as though you have a v nice dp

JustFabulous · 27/07/2012 15:11

Very childish comment to make from your boyfriend.

BetterOnACamel · 27/07/2012 15:11

Ouch. And I can totally relate. No advice, but big ((((hug)))).

MrsBucketxx · 27/07/2012 15:18

he probably felt like you where having a dig, your crappy all you ever do is moan at me, i spoke to this amazing guy who speaks to me as a human not just your skivvy etc. so he said what he did.

sounds like you need to re-connect. maybe a date night, with no housework chat, or children chat. familiarity breads contempt,so dress up and make him see what he has right infront of him.

Original poster

PurplePlant · 27/07/2012 15:22

monkey No chance of marrying him. I decided that a long time ago.

JF Agree -he's in his 40's. Unfortunately I couldn't think of a cutting reply quick enough!

Camel Thank you & sorry to hear your circumstances are similar.

OP posts:

CogitoErgOlympics · 27/07/2012 15:24

I think you should take DP up on his excellent suggestion.... shall I chip in for flowers? :) And keep chatting to plenty more men and women. Widen your social life. Get yourself a job perhaps. The more you are exposed to real people who find you interesting, intelligent and delightful company, the more you'll probably realise you've picked a bit of an arse as a partner who would no doubt prefer you to stay chained to the kitchen sink

HellonHeels · 27/07/2012 15:25

The correct response to the 'D'P who is only ever critical/negative or neutral in his conversation with OP and who when this is raised with him, responds with a day-long stony sulk is NOT to 'dress up' for him!

OP, he doesn't sound very nice. How long have you been together? Do you have children together?

plantsitter · 27/07/2012 15:25

Unless you are independently wealthy or have an escape fund, if you are a SAHM and you've decided there's no chance you'll marry him, you'd better marry him quick. Otherwise you'll be in the shit financially if you do split up.

Original poster

PurplePlant · 27/07/2012 15:28

MrsB Yes, I suspect you are right. We are both fairly entrenched in our view of each other.
It wasn't intended as a critism, we have both acknowledged for some time that things are not that great.
The conversation started around the realisation that as a SAHM I haven't really spoken to a man who isn't either family or a friends dh/p for about 5 years!

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 27/07/2012 15:28

Sorry, just re-read and see you're a SAHM. I'd be looking carefully at ways of boosting my self esteem and becoming less financially dependent on him. How does he treat your DCs?

Original poster

PurplePlant · 27/07/2012 15:38

Cogito love it - should have thought of that!
Hellon Been together about 8 years, yes two dc.
Plant This is something that bothers me a lot. I lie awake thinking about the practical side of things. No, I don't have any financial security. I have thought about marrying him for exactly those reasons. (shallow, i know) but I couldn't live the pretence or lie about the relationship to my loved ones by acting lovingly to each other.
I was married a long time ago (no kids) and wouldn't want to have two failed marriages behind me. One is bad enough!

As for a job, youngest dc starts school this sept, so I will be looking then. I am quite looking forward to working again and to feel like I'm making a difference to someone/something (apart from my dc's)

OP posts:

MrsBucketxx · 27/07/2012 15:40

do you want to stay with your dp?

Original poster

PurplePlant · 27/07/2012 15:46

MrsB Honestly? I don't know. I've learned to live with the neutral mundane stuff. The hostility upsets me and the reminders of his feelings towards me (as in example given) leave me feeling a bit withdrawn and introspective for a few days.
But, he's good with the dc, takes them out, plays with them and they obviously love him to bits.
I couldn't ask him to leave (he wouldn't) I wouldn't want to leave and set up home elsewhere unless I was financially secure.
But the biggest factor is that I don't want to be the one who splits up a family.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 27/07/2012 16:11

One possible retort would have been to have emitted a hollow laugh and have said 'living with you has been more than enough to put me off marriage for life'; alternatively, you could have said 'What a good idea. If he's not available I'll find a man who's just like him'.

If, god help you, you want to tie the knot with Mr Sulky for financial reasons, I would suggest that you wait a week or so, give yourself a makeover, and start leaving him with the dc while you take yourself off to create an independent social life for yourself - it sounds as if that nearby pub will be a good place to start.

If he makes any comment about being stuck at home, simply say that you've given what he said a lot of thought and it's occurred to you that, as it obvious that he's not interested in formalising your relationship, you see no reason why you shouldn't explore the possibility of finding a loving man and marrying him.

At the very least, this should establish where both of you stand in what seems to be a joyless and unfulfilling relationship which will inevitably adversely impact on your dc, if it hasn't done so already.

For those who may form the opinion that this is 'game-playing', IME men like your 'd'p need a rocket up their arse before they are able to see what they're in danger of losing if they continue to put zero effort into their relationshps.

FWIW if you split up he can continue to be fun daddy and you can become happy mummy which will be a win-win situation for your dc as well as yourself.

schmarn · 27/07/2012 16:13

In hindsight you should probably have said what you had to say about your partner and not mentioned the other guy. He was only ever going to take that as a dig that you enjoyed another man's company more than his.

That's not to say that your partner is not an arse (he sounds like he probably is) but you gave him a very easy get out. I don't know what communication is like between you, but it sounds like you need to have a proper discussion with him about your relationship.

CogitoErgOlympics · 27/07/2012 17:09

I think mentioning the other guy was exactly (if accidentally) the right move. The 'marry him then' nose-out-of-joint reaction means she's got the message through whereas presumably any previous chats have resulted in him not taking her seriously.

Original poster

PurplePlant · 27/07/2012 17:23

Izzy You've summed it up perfectly! I only wish I had the courage to do that!
I do need to branch out a bit more, socially. I'm not very good at suggesting things to do with friends in case they say no. I'll then sit there thinking (irrationally) that I've done something wrong, or I'm not interesting enough or high-ranking enough to give time to.
Scharn Yes, I realise that now! I was just trying to lighten the atmosphere, and it was the first thing that came into my head as one of the band's songs came on the radio.
I've been on the relate waiting list since Feb, he doesn't know this. When we are offered an appointment I will tell him then.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 27/07/2012 17:48

Courage? That's for battlefields and war zones.

You don't need courage, you just need the will to improve your life for yourself and for your dc.

Get yourself tarted up and when he gets home from work, simply say 'Your turn to mind the dc, I'm off out'. And leave.

It doesn't matter if you haven't got anywhere specific to go or anyone to go with. Walk round the streets, sit on a bench with a book, pop into a nice looking pub and plonk yourself in a corner with tipple of your choice and people-watch.

After you've whiled away 3 hours or so, return home, paste a big smile on your face, and say 'I've enjoyed my evening. I'll be out again on (pick a night in 5 or days time)'.

Sometimes you do have to feel the fear and do it anyway, and there are also times when the only way forward is to light the blue touch paper and stand back...

You've spent 8 years with him? Does the prospect of another 8 months, let alone another 8 years, fill you with joy? If not, use that as your impetus for change.

Flip