How much can you move on from?

[AlwaysThinking]

Have namechanged for this. Been with DH 8 years, two dc (6&4.) We have had an ok relationship, he is 8 years older than me and has taken a very long time to grow up. In the beginning he was pretty horrible at times but over the years has mellowed out and things crop up less and less, he is still pretty negative though and has a tendency to shout nasty things at me when he gets angry. However saying that we generally get along fine, we have a laugh, we have the same ideas on bringing up the kids, sometimes I feel it's a bit like me looking after him because he is quite needy but he is considerate of me and does lots around the house as well as working hard at a job that he doesn't really love so that we have the money we need to get by (I work part time.)

The thing is I have sort of lost heart in the whole relationship. I pretty much told him this about a month ago. I told him that all the horrible things that he had done in the past had built up and up in my head and I don't know how to move past them, I told him I was fed up with being spoken to the way he spoke to me and every little thing being a huge drama or issue to the point where my life is consumed by his problems. I know that sounds really heartless and I feel terrible about it but I realised that if someone had told me some of the things he had done I would tell them he had been abusive and I had to say something. He has said he can totally see that the way he treats me is wrong and he doesn't know why he does it, he went to the GP and they arranged counselling for him and he's going to that to try to sort things out. He's been twice and the counsellor has told him he has anxiety and they are working on ways to deal with it so he doesn't take things out on me.

So getting back to my question (sorry for rambling) he's been pretty good the last month and to be honest he hasn't been a total nightmare for a while and so I know the right thing to do is to try and put the past behind us and move on. I just feel like I can't. I feel like all the things he's done and all the things he's put me through have changed the way I feel. I think day to day we could get along fine, I could quite happily carry on living with him if he stays the way he is now and so it seems cruel to walk away. He would be devastated, the children would grow up with divorced parents with no real reason for them to understand why. But what I keep coming back to and this sounds SO trivial; I just don't fancy him. What I mean is that for longer that I can remember I have no desire to be close with him at all and I just don't know if I can change that? So, what I want to know (if anyone is still with me!) is has anyone managed to move on past similar things? Is there some way of switching my brain back to how I used to feel about him so that I can get down the barriers I have put up against his new attempts at our relationship?

Sometimes with the best will in the world, it is just over.

Sounds like it's one of those times.

But that seems such a waste? I mean for all intents and purposes we have a happy family life, the dc are so happy and settled, he loves me so much and we have all these little dreams that are so close now. It just seems so unfair to just walk away now.

All of your reasons for staying are about others OP. Where are you in all of this?

I disagree that's it's over. Not necessarily. Once, you fancied him and enjoyed his company. He is doing his best to change so could you look at what you could do to get the intimacy/spark back?

I think you should maybe try counselling or truly giving it your best shot. I'm not a believer in staying together for the kids, no matter what, but if there is a chance that this could be fixable, then you owe it to them to try, imo.

If you give it your best shot and it still isn't right, then fair enough, call it a day.

I think you have to make clear to him, though that they days of putting up with shit from him, are over - he is in last chance saloon, so far as that is concerned.

It seems to be a case of too little, too late, on his part and it's easy to understand why you've put up barriers in the face of his new 'niceness' - why wouldn't you when you don't know how long it may last?

I suggest you give it time and consider joint counselling at Relate or similar which may help to reassure you that he is sincere, or may be the catalyst for ending your marriage in a civilised manner and with the least hurt to all involved.

Thank you for all your replies, I think this is part of the problem, those four replies sum up almost exactly, all the different responses I have had rattling around in my brain about the situation!

I do feel like I'm still here for the sake of everyone else but then, I would do anything for my children so it doesn't seem so crazy to do it for them? As for DH, well no matter what he's done he's still a person and knowing how much the decision I make affects him and the future he believed he had is just such a huge pressure. I feel guilty if I leave because I will ruin everything but also at the moment I feel guilty for staying because I believe he has changed so much as a person he could be a really great partner to someone else and not be stuck with me, someone who doesn't feel the way they should about him.

I have been to one counselling session through the free GP service (can't afford to pay for it) and it was good to talk but I don't know how much I can get out of it. I feel like I need someone to give me answers, which is obviously not what counselling is about?

You see, staying for everyone else will eat you up from the inside out, no matter how much you want to make things right.You are already sad and guilty, how will that improve by staying put?

What I saw from your OP is that you have given this your best shot and you are getting more miserable as time goes on.

Unless there is a good reason (and no, the children are not one) for YOU to want to make this work, it will have to end sooner or later.

Counselling would be good for this. Bring it up the next time you go.

... he is still pretty negative though and has a tendency to shout nasty things at me when he gets angry.

... I told him I was fed up with being spoken to the way he spoke to me and every little thing being a huge drama or issue to the point where my life is consumed by his problems.

• Although you say he has mellowed and things crop up less, it still sounds very stressful and exhausting to deal with. You are not really out of the woods yet.

... I realised that if someone had told me some of the things he had done I would tell them he had been abusive and I had to say something.

• This is quite an insight to have. Many women in similar situations do not have any awareness they are suffering abuse, even if it is very obviously true.

I would not be surprised if a few more things have happened which you aren't sharing here. No-one, including you, reaches this conclusion lightly.

.... he's been pretty good the last month and to be honest he hasn't been a total nightmare for a while and so I know the right thing to do is to try and put the past behind us and move on.

• No, not really. This is something you have to really want to do. And it sounds as if you've done all that many times before. Being pretty good and not a total nightmare for a while is not much incentive for you to do the work, again, to keep the relationship together.

From what you have said I think you have, in some ways, made a decision to start anew without your partner. You have taken so much on board that the little loving, forgiving pilot light of love has gone out. But you aren't sure yet. That is OK.

Try to keep going with the counselling while it's free Always?.I know it's like talking to a blank wall sometimes, but it may help, while you sort out what you want the future to look like.

katie and ladyWordy you are both right, I think I will continue with the counselling, it was good to say a lot of things out loud.

ladyWordy you are right about it being quite an insight. It's hard to explain as I don't want to out myself but something happened in the course of my work life recently that made me take a step back and look at our relationship from the outside and it was almost as though I had blinkers on and they suddenly fell away.

From what you have said I think you have, in some ways, made a decision to start anew without your partner. You have taken so much on board that the little loving, forgiving pilot light of love has gone out. But you aren't sure yet. That is OK.
-This is I think how I might feel.

Thank you all for your kind replies.

The idea of walking away from a relationship that has had problems in the past, and the reality of actually doing it are very very different. Being a single mum is no walk in the park - ask anyone who is.

Reading your OP I don't think you really want to leave, I think you want everything to suddenly be hearts and roses again. No relationship is like that. No two people go through an entire marriage without some cold spots. Sometimes these cold spots are precisely the wake up call that people need to remember exactly what they stand to lose. Your husband seems to have realised this, and I think you might if you both split up.

If you really need to test this, go for a trial separation, not a divorce, and see how things go. Perhaps see your DH for dates. I don't particularly rate counselling for couples unless it is forward looking. Dragging up the past in infinite detail doesn't in my opinion help people move forward. Saying yes, that sucked, and this is what I want for the future does.