My parents...

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

..are driving me up the frigging wall. My DF is 82 now and v.v angry with life in general, not coping at all with getting old, deaf (but in denial) and very, very short-tempered. My DM has always enabled his behaviour adn avoids any sort of confrontation - the party line is that you just pretend everything is fine and don't make a fuss about anything. We were there this weekend, and DF was really arsey with the DCs over little things, which, when I call him on it, reduces my DM to tears. THat's her stock response - he behaves really unpleasantly, I pull him up on it, DM sobs, then DF "tells me off" for upsetting my mother. It has always been thus. ANyway, I can't do it any more . I can't tread on eggshells and let his temper tantrums go, which means each time we visit, there's always some big row or an atmosphere you could cut with a sledgehammer. We started chatting about tradespeople being paid in cash -could have been an interesting conversation, but because our opinions were different and my parents perceive differences in opinions as direct personal attacks, it all got very nasty, with my DF ending up banging the table and telling me to stop being so rude because my DM was getting upset. I feel like at the grand old age of 30-something the scales have been lifted from my eyes, although if you asked them, they'd say that I had a lovely privelliged childhood with great holidays/treats etc, but I think now that I spent a lot of time trying to avoid making my dad cross because I was scared of him and I think that's probably not that great. Sorry this is a bit disjointed. Going to sort the DC out now, but will check back later.

Something else just occured to me - my DF used to buy me a chocolate bar every night when he came home from work when I was 11-ish. Sometimes I didn't want to eat a chocolate bar, then I'd be in trouble for being ungrateful, so I ate the f-ing chocolate bars. that's not right, is it?

I recon it's their age. it could be the start of dementia too.

My family is simillar; let older generation say what they want but don't have an opinion of your own to upset them.

I decided a few years ago to 'let go of the fight' and smile inwardly instead. I've been much calmer and get on with them OK.

When I get old like them I guess I'm going to get irritated at being patronised and want a bloody good verbal fight with somebody!

Sounds as if he has always been angry tbh & you´re now more aware because it´s affecting your own children.

And your mum crying sounds as if she is afraid of him.

How far away are they?

Can you just leave at the first sign of unpleasantness?

My Dad is that age, set in his ways, has some views I don´t agree with so don´t get involved in conversations about them, but he has never made my mum cry, told me or the children off or banged anything in anger.

diddl, yes, he's always had a temper. He would often look like he was trying hard to contain his anger and sometimes he would blow up, so I would try and avoid making him cross. I think that's affected me to this day really - I absolutely cannot stand someone shouting at me. However, if I ever argued back, I was always told how lucky I was, so that left me feeling as though I didn't have anythig to complain about IYSWIM. They're about 1.5 hours away. I'm not sure if my DM is scared of him, she just avoids any sort of confrontation so that she can carry on blissfully "unaware". If I counter that, it's not really keeping to the script, so she cries - v emotionally manipulative, IMO.

in denial) and very, very short-tempered.
My DM has always enabled his behaviour adn avoids any sort of confrontation - the party line is that you just pretend everything is fine and don't make a fuss about anything.
my parents perceive differences in opinions as direct personal attacks
if you asked them, they'd say that I had a lovely privelliged childhood with great holidays/treats etc, but I think now that I spent a lot of time trying to avoid making my dad cross because I was scared of him

Have you visited the Stately Homes thread?
Because everything you say is completely familiar.

There are a lot of resources and support there.

No, it's not normal, but you are not alone.

HotDAMNlifeisgood I haven't been on that thread - is it titled like that as in "we took you to loads of nice places, so what's the problem?" I'll have a look, thank you.

I can't offer anything useful except to say I really understand how you feel. My DF has never made mum cry or anything like that but is a stickler for rules and manners - always has been - also respect but of him. Now when we visit with the children he will yell (and bang table) because one has inadvertantly fiddled with a fork or something. It's like the army. When DD1 14 a spirited teenager stood up to him on some point - even though he provoked it - she was disrespectful rude and cheeky. He reckons what he says goes no matter how unreasonable.

However I don't remember an unhappy childhood - I think he has always tried to be fair but he can come across as bullying and especially now in old age which is sad.

"my parents perceive differences in opinions as direct personal attacks"

That´s their problem though & quite childish.

That's exactly it, Avon!

Here's the link