Upset

[dontgochanging]

Just found out that a man I think im in love with has become single. I am married with DC?s:

1. if I never see him again ill be upset
2. if he wants to be with me and I won?t change my situation ill be upset
3. if he doesn?t want me ill be upset
4. if I see him casually for a night, the next day ill be upset about what I've done.
5. if we start an affair EVERYONE be upset.
6. If I leave my husband in the hope to some day be with him EVERYONE will be upset.

I realise this is sounding very me me me but so far no one else has been hurt by this. Where do I go from here?

You do nothing.
Get on with your life if you are happy with your dh and your lovely children.
Anything else is a recipe for disaster, as you well know.
You will get over it.

Who is this man that you "think you are in love" with?
What is your current relationship with him?

He is someone I have known for 20 years. We have never been single at the same time so have never got together despite always having feelings for each other. We have always been in contact but I guess you could say that we had an emotional affair last year but i stopped contact because it was wrong. I thought I was getting over it but now I know he is single its brought it all back.

1. Every time - time to be a big girl.

You are MARRIED, with children. He may be back on the market but you are definitely off it - that's part of what being married means. Walk away.

Then work out what is missing in your marriage to make him so appealing - the chance for meals out, to feel desirable again?

How is your marriage. Do you love your dh?
If this man was not single, what would you feel if your dh left you?

If you 'think' you're in love, you're not .

You are still not single at the same time.
What makes this time different from all the others, or have you always been tempted to end your relationships when he becomes single?

I don't think you should do anything - you say that 'We have never been single at the same time so have never got together despite always having feelings for each other' but surely if the feelings for each other were that strong you could have arranged to be single and get together?

If you are happy in your marriage and you love your DH it seems to me that you would be risking a great deal based on what might be, rather than enjoying what you have.

If you are not happy in your marriage then I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons very seriously. Does this other man have DCs? Does he want to be in a relationship? How much disruption is likely to occur? If you're unhappy enough to risk it, then you have to be prepared to accept the fact that it may not work out, despite the fact that you acknowledge you have feelings for each other.

You are not single so you ignore it and get on with your life.

The grass always looks greener- it rarely is.

My DH is a good husband and father. I don't think I am in love with him but I care about him a great deal and our relationship, although its had its moments, is pretty good.

I guess it feels like time is running out with this man. I always assumed that one day we would have the chance to figure out if it could have worked in real life. I've always been tempted to leave my relationships for him but ive never done it for various reasons.

Good - carry on with the same policy.

It sounds as if you've both used your 'feelings' for each other as a form of escapism from the reality of maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships with your spouses/partners; a fall back position, as it were, if they didn't come up to expectations.

Such deviousness is a sign of selfishness immaturity, and I guess some may consider it to be an indication that you deserve each other.

However, you're best advised to grow up conclude that some things are not meant to be - and having any further contact with him is one of them.

I've always been tempted to leave my relationships for him but ive never done it for various reasons It's probable that all of those 'various reasons' amount to the fact that you know damn well that a live-in relationship with this man is likely to be little more than a brief fling.

Why not channel your angst into a book entitled 50 Shades of Tedium which may appeal to others who are in the fortunate position of having an inordinate amount of time on their hands? Your pen name can be A.F. Antasist.

So this isn't the first time you have felt this way. And yet you have never succumbed to temptation.

In the past you have not sacrificed your relationships for him.
Do you really think you want to sacrifice your family for him?

is it me or do you post this every three months or so? And always get the same answers?

You need to grow up

Well I posted on here so people could talk some sense into me so im glad of your responses. Thank you I know you are right.

I haven't posted about this before so I guess its a common scenario.

Happy to be of service Dontgochanging.

Whether short or long term, infatuation is a common scenario, honey, and it's one that, if left unchecked, has the power to cause immense hurt to all of those involved.

In matters 'romantic', for want of a better word, all sentient beings may sometimes ponder 'what if?', but the rational among us quickly conclude that they are best advised to direct this particular question to their existing relationships rather than fantasise about what might be with others.

Use any desire you may have for change to energise, revive, or otherwise make your marriage more fulfilling for you and your dh.

Ask yourself would this new man of the fantasy want to be up at 2am when your DC has a stomach upset - does he want to deal with bored, DCs who are not too keen on him - does he want to have to get a babysitter every time you want to go out- does he want to be woken up at the crack of dawn - play monopoly for the umpteenth time - or are you just planning to ride off into the sunset leaving them with your DH?

did you say tou don't think you love your husband?

or did I misread that??