Help

[flowerbag]

Please let me know what you think . My DH and I were away last weekend and I had arranged a babysitter for my 2 children DD6 and DD3. My sister arrived to my house knowing I was away with her 2 children and left them without explanation or permission for 2 hours.
She has had a hard time as her partner passed away 2 years ago in a tragic accident but I am there for her all the time, I have some of her children nearly every weekend and help her out with any paperwork etc.
I asked her why she did this and she said all the children were playing together happily and she did not see what the problem was. I pointed out I had the sitter and it was unfair to leave her with 2 extra without asking her if that was ok. My sis insisted she could see no problem with this. I really feel hurt by her attitude. I feel now I cannot go anywhere as she might do the same again.
Am I overreacting?

No, you're not overreacting, that was out of order. Your sis should at the very least have asked and offered payment. Bit cheeky to just leave the kids and bugger off somewhere.

Yes your over reacting, but i can see why. Just explain to her in future you would rather she didnt do this, or at least asked the babysitter/offered her some money.

Not overreacting. It was a brassy move on the part of your sister to piggy-back your babysitter on the quiet knowing you were away. I suppose she didn't offer to pay anything for adding to the workload?

Rather than be trapped at home because you can't trust your sister, however, set out the rules better for next time. First, tell her directly that you're going away but the babysitter has instructions not to accept more kids. Second, tell the babysitter that if your sister turns up, they're to say 'no'. Finally, you probably want to step back from having your sister's children every weekend. It's not your fault her husband died & you've been very considerate so far, but she's abused your kindness and it sounds like she's taking you for granted. Love is.... getting people to stand on their own two feet.

I don't think you're over reacting. She was out of order but perhaps she just didn't think it through.
If the babysitter had offered to watch then then all would have been fine but it was wrong of your sis to take advantage of the situation.

You deserve your own life Flower so don't think that you have to be available 24/7 for her. Completely understand how she will have felt over the last few years but it's not fair of her to be putting on you so much.
Tell her never to do that again and also tell your babysitter, for the future, to say no. x

My husband tried to explain why we this was not acceptable as she does not listen to me. She said she was sorry about it and it would not happen again.
When I called her later about her daughter visiting for a party she said her daughter would not be coming and she did not want to go to the party. She told me that we must have had enough of her children by now. I pointed out to her that her daughter was looking forward to the party and it seemed that she was stooping her from going as she was annoyed at me, she hung up.

My dh called her and she said she was annoyed at his attitude about the babysitting incident and she thought it was no big deal. He pointed out that she cannot leave her children wthout asking the sitters permission and leaving a contact number. Eventually she agreed to let her daughter come to the party.

But I feel she is using the children to get what she wants as she knows we will always put the children first, and will always back down where they are concerned so she will let us see them

Whoa, she sounds very, very childish.

How old is she?
Of course it's not Ok to do that - not fair on the babysitter for a start and the fact she's been called on it has made her cross because you normally just agree to everything.

Given that you have been very kind to your sister it's a bit rich that she doesn't take you seriously and will only talk to your husband . Of course she's using the children to get back at you because she knows you wouldn't let them down. I don't know if you've always made allowances for her or whether it's only since she's been bereaved but I would suggest that a little distance is in order and that you let her manage her own family for a while.

She is 41 and has always been like this. She acts as if the world owes her something, everybody has a better and easier life than her. She treats our Mum like dirt leaves the kids with her every weekend to cook and clean for (Mum is 70). This is how I take them as its unfair to Mum.

The reason my husband intervened as he could see how upset I was at it and she generally listens to him as she seems to have more respect for him.

Now I feel as if there maybe a huge quarrel over it and my mum is blaming my husband for interfering as my sister told her that it had been arranged to leave her kids with my sitter and she was feeling very stressed over it.

Are you saying that both you AND DH spoke to her about the babysitting issue, and then you BOTH spoke to her about the party, too?
Without meaning to sound critical - you are both giving her way too much attention! No wonder she plays you. I'm sure you and DH are a united front so she only needs to hear the message ONCE from ONE of you. No more ringing back when she hangs up on you! She's not a child but you are treating her like one, it seems. So no wonder she 'plays' you. It's like you and DH are mum and dad and she's your teenager!

Mushroom Soup I think you are right. She does play us.My DH is always saying that to me. He says ignore her it is her choice but I worry about her and the kids. I like to give her a break and treat them her daughter is very good friends with mine so they are not a burden and I feel that she needs the break, as she does get very stressed with them but I hate when she takes me for granted.

I don't know how to get her to see what she is doing is wrong.

Of course there will be a huge quarrel because that's precisely how she's setting it up. :) I usually find shit-stirrers have very dull lives and have to create tension and drama just to stop themselves getting bored. Sigh...

Explain to your Mum once only what happened but then let her go back to her skivvying/childcare duties if it makes her happy and don't worry if she You look after your own family instead of trying to keep others happy - tempting though it can be to want to help. It's rarely appreciated.

"I don't know how to get her to see what she is doing is wrong."

If someone's got to 41 and is still acting like a spoilt brat there is nothing you can do or say to make them see that it is wrong. All you can do is extricate yourself gradually & be rather less accommodating. Obviously, keep inviting the children over but only when it suits. If you were not in the picture I guarantee she'd find someone else to dump on.

I can understand what you are saying but I guess I am worried about the stress she is under with 3 children and no support where she lives. She has a minder during the day while she works but after 6 she is on her own. But the other part of me feels that she does take advantage

OP nexy time you need to go away somewhere, can you arrange child care where you take the children to them e.g. in laws, rather than leaving them at home? It would stop madam trying to offload her children into your childcare for free.

I'd sit down with DH and agree what your agreed joint boundaries are regarding your DSis so either of you can say yes or no to her suggestions. Deep down, your sister knows what she's doing is wrong but feels she's owed it anyway. Stick to what you're both happy for her to get away with have give her short shrift for the rest, even if she starts chidlishly refusing to bring her daughter to parties as a result. That's her call to make. Ignore.

A lot of us single parents are on our own after 6pm. It's probably quite alien to you having a husband etc., but it's really not all that unusual and it is not necessarily stressful either. Tonight, for example, my DS (12yo) and I will be making popcorn and watching a film ... and we're quite looking forward to it.

She is taking advantage. You don't have to fall out about it and you might decide you're OK with being taken for granted, but you're also entitled to take a step back rather than saying 'how high' when she says 'jump'

I agree there alot of single parents doing a great job, I think that my family have made things easy for my sis, my mum and my brother is always saying how hard my sis has it and what a great job she is doing.

I also agree that my dh and I need to take a step back, she does seem to be taking advantage.

My dh has pointed out that we have brought her kids on numerous day trips and she has never even contributed a bag of sweets for the journey and has barely thanked us. She never helps my retired parents financially with feeding her family every weekend even though she is fairly comfortable financially.

I have tried talking to her about this in the past but she just looses her temper and stops calling or visiting me and my mum is upset.

Of course she loses her temper because it's challenging her status as the one in the family that needs extra TLC and asking her to take some responsibility . She's a 'taker' and you're a 'giver'. You feel guilty if she stops calling, she just feels angry that someone dared to stand up to her. Sad that she lost her partner of course but, from what you say, even if he was still around, you'd probably be experiencing something very similar.

I had to drop something off at my sisters last night and she started telling me how hard life was for her now. She told me she is back seeing her councillor again and how she felt it so unfair that her kids have been left without a dad and they are so young with so much growing up to do.
I know I should feel sorry but I think it maybe her way of excusing her behaviour at the weekend

It's a horrible thing to say and I'm sure you really don't want to think badly of your sister but she does appear to be milking it. This is the time for the tough-love talk along the lines of. 'I'm sorry your partner died and I'm sorry your kids have no Dad but it's been two years, we've all helped you as much as we can, and if you don't stop taking the piss and start taking responsibility soon, you're in danger of alienating the very people who love you'.

OP: Yes, it is tough bringing up children without a father. It is NOT unmanageable. There are quite a lot of people doing this without a support network. It is NOT undoable. Yes, it's unfair, but that's the way it goes. Nothing that anyone can do about it and railing against the world is not going to get your sister anywhere. However, not leaving her kids so much at the weekend while they have so much growing up to do will help them. Routines are important - they're a framework from which other things grow. I'm glad that she's back seeing her counsellor, because grief doesn't stop after 2 years. You never get over something like this - you just learn to live with it. I do feel that your sister is milking the situation.