after an EA relationship, how do you learn to trust again?

[peppapiglet]

I ended what became an EA, controlling relationship. It took a lot, i went through hell, but i got out :-) It wasnt even a long relationship, just over a year. I was in the process of getting divorced when i met him after being with exH over 10 yrs, we were separated 2 yrs at that point. anyway.. i last saw him around 6 weeks ago and i have cut contact, so has he.. finally (he was stalking me, wouldn't let me go) But, i seem to be plunging into further depression and just feel turned upside down by this one person. I feel i cannot trust anyone anymore.. unreasonable as there are a lot of good people out there Im sure. however, i thought he was but he became v v cruel. i wonder if i will feel myself again, i cannot think of ever meeting anyone else or ever trusting a man again. Has anyone been through similar and then found happiness? I just want to feel happy in myself.

Rather than thinking about meeting someone, trusting people & the next relationship think entirely about yourself for a change. Abusers knock your confidence and self-esteem for six so the big effort you need to put in is to raise both sharply. That means being entirely self-oriented and making sure everything you do from now on passes the test of 'is this what I want?' rather than accepting any form of compromise whatsoever.

Do only what you want to do at all times. Be only with people that make you feel good about yourself. Speak your mind rather than hiding your opinion. Don't be frightened to offend people if that's what it takes. Demand respect and do not accept anything less than #1 treatment. Discover your inner diva... :)

You will emerge from the experience more hard-hearted and assertive. And the kind of man you will attract as a result is the one looking for an equal... not the sort looking for a victim. That's been my experience.

thanks CES, you have replied on my previous threads before. what i dont understand is why i am grieving for this man, as when i was with him, i felt controlled, he was possessive, jealous, i felt under pressure etc. he obviously wasnt meant for me. When i met him, i was that person you described above, or was at least getting there. so i dont believe i came across as a victim ? how did i end up that way though, or at least i feel that way. I feel a fool, taken advantage of but inside feel a pain, wonder how he is, what he is doing etc. its very confusing!i just want to be over him.. and now :-(

Love, what you grieve is the loss of hope of a normal relationship.

You were conditioned to believe that YOU were at fault, so in essence a part of you thinks that if you had done this, that or the other, things might have been different.

The grief you now feel is as a result of letting go of that concept, of realising that it wasn't you and nothing you ever did, said, thought etc would have ever made any difference.

Have you read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft, if not, please do so, it will really help you let go of the blame.

How long it takes you to get over him is a difficult period to quantify.

firstly as horrid as it is not to feel able to trust anyone, it's totally normal. I had my own family turn on me when Ex left, i was utterly strafed of all support and understanding. Only MN and my very few expat friends were there for me. that was enough.

Please pop along to the Support for those in Emotional Abuse Relationships thread on Relationships, the girls there are AWESOME and have all been where you are now. I to have been. Ex left a year ago in February, I've done the Freedom Programme, started counselling and attended a weekly DV support group. I've pushed myself VERY hard and started internet dating at the back end of last year.

I think I'm safe to say that I have had a couple of Transition Men go through my life, but it looks very likely that I have found the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. This time last year I'd have LAUGHED at the very suggestion of it all.

You are not ready just yet to start on a new relationship with another person, you need to get to know YOU first, trust YOURSELF, your own instincts and give yourself all the love you so sorely need.

Let MN help you find yourself again, trust us. I'm always available on PM if you need additional advice.

Well done for ending a very dangerous and destructive relationship. You are 10 years ahead of me.. I lost over a decade of my life, and also tbh, my family.

I'm happier now (with myself) than I have EVER been. I pinch myself most days. You too will get here. I promise!

Why you are grieving is because EA relationships are usually very full on. Full on good as well as bad that is. Devotion vs jealousy, passion vs obsession... there are such fine lines between being pursued and being stalked that it's not surprising the boundaries blur. We can all be victims because we're all capable of being flattered. If we turn a blind eye to the bad stuff in front of our noses it's because we so desperately want the good stuff.

My own exH turned out to be a shit of the highest order and used a lot of EA techniques but, when he was on form, he was intensely & lavishly romantic.

That's why I keep coming back to 'confidence'. It's developing that hard edge, no compromise aspect to your personality that makes you a little more suspicious of OTT displays of affection & a little more cynical about motivation. Doesn't make you immune from controlling types but you can spot them quicker, live, learn and move on to the next one before they get under your skin.

It's recognising we have an entitlement to our boundaries. That we need to set them and have them respected.

It's about trusting our instincts, every time.

I don't think someone with a bad track record of relationships can rely on 'instinct' because their natural tendency will be to find the same sort of person and the same sort of character traits attractive. I think new standards and boundaries have to be consciously learned and applied before they become instinctive.

hi both
thanks for your replies. I have actually cried this afternoon, which is possibly a good thing as i have been "numb" so at least i can feel, even though its pain :-( Im sure i will brighten up in an hour or so..but.. the boundaries, yes that is something i need to work on. I thought i was there before i met the new P. I did have gut instincts that i wasn't sure about him, although i gave the benefit of the doubt. i dont think i have a particularly bad track record of relationships. i had boyfriends when i was young at school, uni etc but met my husband at 20, with him until 33 then new P for just over a year. to be honest i feel left behind in the relationship experience. Perhaps i am just inexperienced and naive.
i did buy Lundy B book but havent yet read it properly, i will dig it out.
The HH, i am very pleased your life is going better now, it gives me hope :-) as i guess i am where you were. I will be back on the thread later. I wish i could see the world in a brighter light. I feel trapped in my life as a single parent, although i know really the only place i am trapped is in my own mind.

Instinct doesn't lie, we do however misinterpret signs. We think a spark is a good thing. IME it's not, it's a physical warning.

Peppa, I think you ARE where I was, it was so dismal I know, but it does get better. First you have to let things settle, learn to trust yourself, your own thoughts and understand WHY you chose to allow that person to access you.

Do read the book, it really will help. I only read it when Ex had left. It's only a book... can't hurt right? FAR from it, it will release YOU from all the guilt you are carrying and explain to you the dynamics at play here.

You are not ready for a relationship yet, not with another person. You need to be in a relationship with yourself first!

WHEN you feel ready, it will happen, it will be nerveracking, it will be hard, but you will learn so much about yourself and others.

Put the idea of finding a new partner to the back of your mind for now, it's not what you need to be working on atm. YOU are in first place.

Know that it won't always be like this, it really won't, that life will be better, it will be OH so much better when the time is right. You have to be kind to yourself, establish your rules and boundaries and stick to them. Once that is done, you will relax in yourself and understand that no-one can take from you anymore, YOU call the shots in your life, and that is final.

Keep posting, you have started on a very important and worthwhile journey.