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Original poster

MIL - Summer holidays

14 replies

ladypineapple · 26/07/2012 07:59

My MIL helps out my sister in law (her daugter) over the holidays - every holiday - with her childcare - so she gets to spend every day with her grandchildren. My children, her other grandchildren, live 5 minutes away, but she has not made ONE date with us over the six weeks to spend time with my children. It upsets me so much, I feel so sad for my kids. I know I could instigate a date or two (and I will if the offer does not emerge - likely scenario), but am I wrong to expect her to phone or try and get time in the diary ?

OP posts:
Beckamaw · 26/07/2012 08:20

She probably thinks that you are far too busy and have such a great time with the kids that she would be intruding!
My MIL and I have only just got into the swing of meeting up without DP.
It's just very natural and easy to make plans with your Mum/ daughter. You always wonder if the MIL/ DIL only meets up out of obligation.
Give her a call.
She has probably posted the same about you on AIBU! Wink

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/07/2012 08:52

How do you get along with MIL generally speaking?. What is MIL like as a person?.

How old are your children?. Do they actually miss seeing MIL or do you think they do; they may not actually mind not seeing her if they are a bit older.

sayithowitis · 26/07/2012 08:59

I don't think you are wrong to want her to show interest without you having to 'force' it upon her. I am also not convinced that it is as simple as being about DD vs DIL. My MIL has no daughters, only sons. My DCs were her first GC, but like yours, my MIL has always gone out of her way to see her other DGC and has minded all of them while their parents worked. She has never, not even once, offered to see my DCs. In fact, when they were small, DH and I literally had to beg her to spend time with them. It fell on deaf ears. So now my DCs are adults and MIL doesn't understand why they are not bothered about seeing her or spending time with her. But as my DC1 says, everytime we invited her to any event at school etc, she always had an excuse for not coming. Or she would accept and then phone a couple of hours before to change her mind, or worse, just not turn up.

My MIl has never made any secret of the fact that she dislikes me ( her reasons are that I was brought up in a council house and that we were too young to marry - DH was in his 20's when we met and we married 6 years later), but it is a shame that she has allowed that dislike to affect her relationship with two of her grandchildren to the point where they now only see her at Christmas and maybe a couple of times during the year purely out of duty, because as they say, they do not know her well enough to be able to say they do it out of love.

So, if you have a good relationship with your MIL, I would definitely get in touch and arrange some dates to see her. Maybe your DH could let her know how hurt HE feels that she doesn't ever make the first move to see HIS DCs.

Enjoy the 6 weeks. Smile

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2012 09:41

Do you have a DM yourself? How much does she look after the children? In my own family I remember my mother constantly slating her MIL & FIL for never having us to stay, even though we saw them quite frequently and they took a huge interest in us despite not having a car and living some distance away. Our other grandmother (her mother) saw us just two or three times our whole lives.

Original poster
ladypineapple · 26/07/2012 10:11

Thank you all so much for responding. DH does think I have a fair point but has not been that supportive (though I have been in tears about it, which is a bit melodramatic, but its been upsetting me so). I have asked him to call her which he will, and I know that if I/we dont act then the kids will miss out. My older DS does ask why he does not get to see them when the other grandchildren do and I think I do get more upset about it than DH or the kids, maybe because I dont have a DM and she was so great with the kids before she died. Always treated all her grandchildren EXACTLY the same despite a huge variation in the circumstances on my side of the family. Maybe thats a rarity and a quality I got used to and thought applied to all grandparents ?

OP posts:
ceeveebee · 26/07/2012 10:18

Does your SIL work? Do you work? The way you worded the OP implies MIL is minding your SILs DCs, not just visiting - is that right? If so would she have the time to visit your DCs too?

When I was young my GM used to mind all 4 of us and our 2 cousins while my mum and auntie worked, she was a star! Could your DCs go and spend time with their cousins altogether?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2012 10:23

I think with some in-laws you have to be a little 'formal' at first than you are with your immediate family until everyone gets to know the score. I know my own mum initially regarded DB and SIL's house as 'DB's wife's house' and trod a bit more carefully than she does with me because she didn't know SIL that well and vice versa. SIL in turn was worried about asking DM for help babysitting. Now we've all got to know each other it's a lot more open-door.

I think you'll have to take the initiative and be a bit pushy if you want a relationship. Keep inviting her over, get the kids to do the big Puss in Boots eyes and ask if they can stay at her house, make a fuss of her, get DH to make a fuss of her and make her welcome.

anniewoo · 26/07/2012 11:09

Have you invited her over?

Original poster
ladypineapple · 26/07/2012 13:15

She does work, I do not at present, so yes, its in a CM capacity. But out of the CM hours there are still plenty left to see mine ! Seeing the cousins altogther is doable, but I feel like I want her to spent quality 1-1 time with mine before they grow up. I need to be more pushy I think. DH thinks she is scared of me, so being more pushy might scare her further ! :)

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 26/07/2012 13:18

" My older DS does ask why he does not get to see them when the other grandchildren"
I would tell her what he has said to you, and ask how she would like you to reply.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2012 13:23

"DH thinks she is scared of me, so being more pushy might scare her further ! "

Just bloody love-bomb the woman! Haven't met a nan yet that couldn't be won over with a scribbled picture saying 'I love you granny' in wonky crayon, a bunch of daffs and the offer of a free lunch. Turn on the charm and she'll be so dazzled you'll be back here in six months asking 'How Do I Get This Woman Out Of My House???'

Longtalljosie · 26/07/2012 19:08

Look, if she's looking after them while your SIL works, then with the best will in the world you're being unreasonable (even though this isn't AIBU!)

It's "to each according to their need" rather than favouritism.

If you want your ILs to see more of your children why don't you offer to have them all over to lunch (minded cousins too)

Wingedharpy · 26/07/2012 19:15

And she's probably worn out and wants some peace and quiet in between her childcaring duties.

Original poster
ladypineapple · 26/07/2012 20:48

All of what you say makes sense - thank you.

OP posts:
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