Want to split but don't want the pain

[Fairyloo]

Hi all,

So told my partner of 10 years that I don't think its working, I don't feel the same about him, don't fancy him, don't want to have sex.That I want to split up. It took me so much courage to say those words.

He reacted aggressively (not violent) but slamming round, completely ignoring me, short one word answers. He keeps telling me that I won't be able to afford to live on my own with ds (aged 6). He is looking at lovely houses on the Internet in front of me.

I'm worried that I still won't be happy on my own but I feel in constant fear and walking on eggshells currently.

I don't want to be with him why can't he just let me go. On the other hand will I cope aarrgghhh. I'm useless on my own.

I'm too weak

This is where perfectly intelligent and capable women waste many good years of their lives. Those things you wrote. Right there.

Not happy? Awful relationship?
Leave.

Will you cope?
God yes. How do you cope with being in a shit relationship? It's no easier.
Your son will be better off out of this situation.

Finances do eventually sort themselves out. Tax credits, maintenance - there are things you are entitled to.
Wouldn't you rather be drinking Liebfraumilch with a good friend than Champagne with a tosser?

If you are not going to leave, I strongly suggest an appointment with Relate. Fix it or end it.

I arsed about in a dead relationship for 4 years. Don't waste your years like I did.
I am now burstingly happy. You could be too.

You're not at all weak because you had the courage to say you wanted to split. To me it sounds like you've been ground down by 10 years of living with a bully who has left you in constant fear and walking on eggshells. Bullies don't like to let their victims go because they thrive on domination and control... and if you aren't there, they have no-one to control.

Living on your own has various challenges but is far more relaxing & better for your health than living with a bully. Your DS will benefit. If you want to make a new life for yourself and your DS you will need practical help & advice and that means roping in friends, family and possibly outside agencies like Womens Aid 0808 2000 247

In the meantime, suggest getting some things together such as money, documents (passports and birth certificates) and find a place to stay for at least a few weeks. Give yourself time to think without him breathing down your neck. Good luck

Hi, if you are worried you won't make it on your own, also look at Gingerbread's website, they will give finance and benefits advice, they really know their stuff. Trust your gut feelings in this before you get swamped again. Age 6 is an ok age to move schools and story again elsewhere, consider this.

Thank you do much everyone!!

It's so scary!! Why am I so scared. Part of me is also worried I will never ever meet anyone again and maybe better to be with him then on my own which I know is pathetic but that's how I feel!

No, it's better to be on your own, really it is. You can't be staying with him for the sex or the pleasant company, so it must be the money. That's a really bad reason for sharing your life with someone. You're an independent human being, not a commodity to be bought.

You're scared in part because, for 10 years, you've been living with someone that has convinced you (and I'm guessing a little here) that you're nothing without him. What was his first reaction? You'll never be able to afford a place? Planting doubt and insecurity right from the off. Has he said anything before like 'no-one else would want you'? That's also quite a common tactic from emotional bullies to set out a vision of a long, sad life ahead just because you had the audacity to say you've had enough.

Fear, in my experience, comes from not knowing. So get informed and get friends to help you. Find out via solicitors, websites, agencies etc. what you'd be entiteld to when you split, what kind of income you'd have coming in. See what your options are.

As for meeting others, get to like yourself first. Build up your damaged self-esteem. Assert yourself in the separation. Stop accepting that you are #2 or #3 in the scheme of things but firmly #1. Once you really like yourself, you'll probably meet someone that agrees with you. :) There are far worse ways to be lonely than being single..... and you're slap bang in the middle of one of them.

You are all amazing!! I'll keep you updated

When you leave him one thing's for sure... you'll never be as lonely as you are now.

And if you want a loyal and loving male in your life, get a dog

My DSis has an abusive, controlling bully (ACB) of an H. He dictates everything the family does. I joked about keeping her (lovely) DCs for a bit and she was like "oh, no, then I'd be stuck with H". He is completely in charge of their life which admittedly does include a huge house and pool.

I got rid of my ACB. I do worry about money - lots. I claim those benefits I can and have retrained to take up a new career - even though I am supposedly "too old" and have secured a job. I have nightmarish childcare arrangements (logistics and what do you do if someone is ill type of thing) and a really messy house.

But I would rather be me than her. I own my life with its warts and worries. I am not owned by someone. It is worth it

Wow I am going through something really similar in the past few weeks. I fact, just joined mumsnet to see if there were any local separation/divorce support groups. I am here if you want to chat!!!!!!

Well thanks all

He is moving out next week, I'm in bits feel really low and upset.

Nervous all the time. Wonder how long it will take to heal?

Jennifer, hi what's your situ