Am i over reacting?

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I have been seperated from husband now 1yr n 2months and always aware he has this female 'friend' who has children same age as our two childeren and also seperated. When kids with my ex they always spend time with him and 'friend' and children and i am aware become very close. I expressed i wasnt happy about all the days out swimming etc with this person i have never met etc etc to be hurled a whole lot of abuse ie she is a wonderful friend the kids love her etc etc so i have learned to put up with it.
It was my sons birthday on Mon and always hard for them as presents left with one parent then on to spend the other half of day with the other parent.
It was my day to have kids on Tue and was text to ask if kids to stay on another day as wanted to spend time with Grandad. I thought ok?? but toys and bike etc at my house not seen yet for Birthday but i know they both love my father n law so i agreed.
Kids arrived back this morning and my 7yr old Daughter tells me they spend an amazing day with dads 'friend' who played at the house and then took them all out for lunch at a cool play are joined by her neice and her mum.
I was absolutley livid as i sat home that day and just got on with housework etc but they should have been with me.
Called to discuss and told i am being totally unreasonable surely the fact the kids had great day most important here and escalted to the most awful onslaught of verbal abuse. Am i being unreasonble considering the place they went for lunch me and my mum considered going to that day. Imagine if my own kids ran past me from the play are to sit at table with a women and her mum i have never met in my life and no dad as he was at work

so they werent with grandad at all?

I would be annoyed that they were not seeing grandad as that was the reason for them staying longer with their dad.

However the bigger issue here seems to be your feelings about this female friend of your H. If your children are happy spending time with her then it may be useful to think about what your concerns actually are. Do you feel threatened by the presence of them having another adult female in their lives? Are you struggling with the idea of your H having a relationship? These would be very understandable.

I would be hopping mad that he lied to you about where the children were going to be. What if something had happened and you needed to find them in a hurry? (can't think what but something might have)

He should NOT be lying to you - and it was completely unfair of him to have pissed off to work leaving his children with his "friend" and her relatives when they could have been at home having their birthday presents from you!

I'm glad the children had a nice day but that's really utterly beside the point at this stage.

Are you totally irrational at the idea of this "friend" being his girlfriend? Is that why he hasn't confessed to it yet? or is he just prone to being a lying twunt?

It's totally wrong for him to lie to you about seeing granddad and in your position I would be livid in relation to that, especially it was a birthday.

However from your post my overwhelming impression is that what really angers you is your DC spending time with another woman and I'm afraid you have to let that go.

ahhhh right, thats what my husband suggests too that its my prob he has with the friend not that i felt put out he told me they were going to grandads and instead had other plans in mind when it was my day to have them. to be honest of course it hurts when my 7yrs old and 4yrs old talk about days out etc and how dads friend tucked them in bed and told stories they are my children after all but i honestly have become used to this now and accepted the fact this is the way it will be. I am glad they like her as i have witnessed my cousins when we were litttle go to there dads house and hate there dads girlfriend. So really my issue was that it was my dad to have my children and i was looking forward to my son seeing his bike but i did appreciate they had so many toys still at dads and staying with grandad meant they could have a good play with them. I was not aware they were going out for lunch which is a very common thing so i am not greatly put out about that but the fact i potentially could have walked into a place where my kids would have been and i had no idea.
I wish he would just say this is his girlfriend and even call to say would i mind if they spend the morning with her etc etc etc

Tell him you're recording the verbal abuse.

Maybe only communicate by email from now on?

You have a very mature reaction to the 'friend'. Remember you're their mum and they will always love you best. It's great they feel comfortable telling you about their nice times. I wonder where your ex is whule she's doing all the parenting?

He's a shit btw. Well done for getting rid.

thanks for replies. Coms will be by email now as i cant remember all that was said as there was suggestion i am using him as a glorified child minder while i go out to work 7pm till midnight 3nights a week one of which my mum looks ater them,. so when he iis out on shifts and all day long and i am looking after our children what am i then? i see it as there MOTHER not a child minder. He is suggesting i give up part time work and go full time then pay him to look after kids as he pack in his work etc. This is all a result from me saying i found it unaceptable my children were in the care of someone i have never met and more to the point when they were meant to be with me. I have looked into day time hours so i dont need him to look after them in evening now so he can pic as requested a proper 50/50 agreement only at the moment the days he has them he is at work and i do all the dropping off and picking up from school then go into work in evenings. I have suggested the days he wants them he will have to arrange all that and again i am being hurled abuse

I totally understand where you are coming from, this would tear me apart, but what can you do? I assume you trust your ex to have your children's best interests at heart? do you? If so, then i think you will have to accept his judgement calls on who they spend time with, for your own sanity if anything else. Could you ask to have a meet up with this woman, just a friendly coffee, if she is a decent person then she would agree to it? unless he has fed her a load of poison about what a bitch you are? But at least it would put your mind at rest? I do sympathise, i can only imagine how hurt you must have been actually but as hard as it is, i think you do need to accept that this woman will be a small part of your DC's life, what if she goes on from being a "friend" to a partner? FWIW i would react the same as you and dont think YABU, but this is sadly one of those situations you might just have to suck up sadly :(

thankyou thats very kind words. The thing is i do accept and yes i have no doubt what so ever the girl is lovely and by all accounts wonderul with my children but this is most def not this issue here. They spend lots of time with her and her boys and they have even all been on holiday together i believe but this annoyed me most because it was my day to be with the kids and my son had all my family gifts here not even played with or looked at and a bike he had not had chance to go on so when i got the call to say kids really want to stay with there grandad who lives right across the road from my ex then i thought its only fair and let them enjoy the toys there. I did not take kindly to find out they never went to grandads but out for the day and lunch with the friend. I was at home all day so they should have and could have been with me. What happens when its his days is absolutley none of my business i am aware of this and never make comment even tho its early days and hurts like hell when my children talk about what a fab day out and this gift and that gift bought and i really have bbeen very fair but on this occassion i dont think that was fair on me at all.

You are right, he shouldnt have lied to you :(

If anything the whole ordeal has prompted me to change career again so i am signed up to refresh on my hairdressing and will be looking to go self employed once i pass my driving. Me bringing up this matter really really annoyed him and he spouted out alll kinds of abuse suggesting he sick of having kids at night but he forgets he has them every second weekend and lots of holidays and doesnt realise how flexable i have been as always have the childrens best interest at heart.
I agree with everyone in that yes it does hurt my kids spent time with the girl my husband was 'friendly' with while i was still in the family home. He has had an affair and still to this day dont know who it was but just found a spare phone. I assume its this girl but no point dwelling and like i say i have been very very fair considering they all been going out from as early as 1st week i left the family home. So i think this will maybe set some rules for whats right and wrong and hopefully now a better routine will come out of his outbursts as i had no idea he wastn happy with our arrangement.

Sorry to go on and on and i feel much better yet again letting it all oot :D

You cannot be a "glorified childminder" to your own kids.
And I too would be livid that he lied about the reason for keeping the kids on their birthday. And I'm afraid that I would factor it in the next time he asks for flexibility.

"glorified childminder"?? that's an advance on "babysitting" your own children - what a wanker! He's their FATHER - fathers are SUPPOSED to look after their own children!

He feels hard done to that he works full time and shifts and i have a 'poofy' part time job. 7pm till midinight in a banks call centre after being up all day with kids. Thats the arrangement we had when we decided to have kids as he works during day. So when i 'kidnapped' (his words) left the family home we worked it out that the nights i work he will have two of those nights and weekends and my 65 yrs old mum has them the other night. That was his very words that he is sick being treated like a child minder and wants to swap roles. He part time me full time and i pay him. The matter is he works and i stay home look after kids but also work part time. He thinks i have an easy deal and get all best bits of kids. I have lived in 4 diff houses since we split and still kept my job and relatively sane so i dont see me as having the best deal. We split and thats not the kids faults but it seems all flexability out the window now.