WWYD? Really need a frank discussion with DP, but we are too busy!

[DialsMavis]

I need to have a huge heart to heart type talk with DP about a number of issues in our relationship that are beginning to eat away at me. DP will undoubtably feel like all of these things are a criticism of him and try and shut down.

I don't know when to do it. He is working away until the 30th of July, doing very long hours and is already exhausted, so I feel it unfair to do it by email between now and then. However, if I did do it that way maybe he would have time to think and digest and discuss things calmly on his return.

He has a day off on the 31st, this would be the ideal time, but it's my birthday on the 1st and I don't want us to be potentially arguing/upset with each other then, especially as we won't have seen each other for 3 weeks and I know he is missing the DC terribly.

We are having a party on the 4th , with lots of friends who we haven't seen for months coming to stay.

So really I think I need to hold off until then if I can (highly unlikely, especially once I have a drink ). However, we are
Moving house on the 31st of August (no idea where to yet) and I am not willing to sign another rental contract without speaking to him first.

Just have the conversation.

Yes - you're stalling. Just pick up the phone tonight and say what you need to say.

Can't speak to him on the phone, it would have to be by email... Also, one of the issues is how he won't discuss anything without getting massively defensive and disengaging! But you are right, I am
Putting it off...

write an email with everything. say you dont expect a call or a reply straight away, but you felt this way he could re read it and have time to think about it and think about what he wants to say.

i would also put in there " is there anything thats troubling you? some we i/we could work on" it'll acome across as less accusing and may be more willing to talk.

good luck

Thanks kinky, asking him if he is unhappy about anything is a good idea. I'm hardly wife of the year myself. We are happy together, but lots of things get brushed under the carpet do that we stay happy together IYSWIM?

I know he will be upset with me for doing it while he is so busy. He has already put the phone down on me tonight because I mentioned 1 thing, actually I said lets discuss it face to face, rather than on phone, its hard to talk on a quick phone call when he is busy, he said don't be silly what is it? I said (very nicely) something that had surprised me/ pissed me off slightly and he got super defensive and put the phone down on me. We are both incredibly stressed at the moment.

Poor you OP. I am in a similar situation. I have something important to talk to DP about but he is so busy, working away every weekend or guests coming, working 3 jobs and we are expecting our first baby in 4 weeks, so getting the house ready and stressing etc.

He is also defensive, and the pattern is me saying something, him totally overreacting, getting very upset, then thinking about it and being ready to talk - in moderation/small doses.

I don't want to fall out but i can't continue the way things are. We are happy, but the something that needs addressing isn't going anywhere unless i broach it.

Anyway good luck - if you do it, i will

Oh Spuddy definitely do it soon then, get it all sorted before the baby comes. The defensiveness is so frustrating isn't it? it drives me mad. But, I think not being able to talk for worrying about their reaction is a slippery slope, thats why I want to get it sorted out. It doesn't help that I need to discuss £, tax, sex, housing, bills... the poor male pride is going to take a massive beating! Even though I am not laying the blame at DPs door (except his bloody tax bill)

Yes, it's horrible Dials, I know DP will feel ambushed by it and say why am i adding stress at this time but like you - i just can't go on worrying. Similarly, I need to discuss money/bills (I've become SAHM and have no access to money without keeping asking him - despite setting up a joint account, he just wont sort out his wages going in - and it takes ages to get it out of him so by the time i do i need more), sex, and also a very sensitive medical issue with his penis :(

He is going to look so sad and stressed - i just can't bring myself to say anything. When we are having a nice time i don't want to ruin it and if he is stressed and in defensive i don't want to add to it either. So hard to just say 'DP sit down, i have a list of things you need to sort out...' without feeling like a bastard.

I also don't want to have the baby with him unhappy with me. :(

Dials Sorry for stating the obvious, but have you sat down with yourself and asked what you want.