MIL never comes over. IS IT ME???????

[feelingblu]

Hi everyone i hate coming on with a gripe and i have changed my name.

But i feel very upset at mo because despite living about five mins walk away my MIL never comes over.

this is her only sons first grandbaby but she just doesnt seem interested yet she bothers with her other granddaughter all of the time and has done since birth.

She loves her son so it aint him.

This is the thing that is really bothering me, I am part african and have curly hair and quite dark skin (tho most people assume i am spanish or something) my daughter has the same skin tone as me and i wondrer because she is quite dark skined, is she ashamed (she has made a few comments in past re. blacks etc).

What is realy upsetting is that each lunchtime she passes my house in order to check on her youngest daughters kittens to make sure that they are ok.

I feel really lonely as i am not from round here and have no family. if i told anyone from home they would be furious and would worry about my isolation.

My daughter is 5 months old,

Please can someone give me advice or some courage to just accept that this is life and it is her loss that she is missing out on her granddaughter.
x

Have you asked her to visit? Some parents strive so hard not to interfere, they seem disinterested.....do you get on well with her generally ('black' comments notwithstanding...)

I would say that you should make her blank you. What I mean by that is you shouldn't let her go past the house, you should run out and ask her in for a cup of tea, be really friendly to her, ask her her advice and opinions and then if she avoids you she will have to do it on purpose iyswim. She will end up looking like a bigoted idiot and you will look like a saint Cheer up, if she is a nasty bigot you don't want her in your dd's life anyway.

SOD THE INLAWS DOLL. BLACK OR WHITE YOU ARE HUMAN.

Skin colour should not come in to it ever. Tell her to get stuffed.

feelingblu, I think there are many mumsnetter can relate to the MIL problem with their gand children.

I have a motto they seek the seeds they sow. In otherwords when the children grow they won't bother with her if they don't sow the seeds now by spending time with them and leaving the children with fond memories. It's happened to my own mother wiht my sister's children that have grown up, don't bother with her and spend more time with my Aunt, which my mother is very jealous of this fact.

Try not let this bother you, she will be the looser not you. larsxx

:(
Mumsnet is crawling with MILs and mothers who don't seem to actually like their grandchildren, or want to spend time with them, you poor thing.

Some questions for you:

if you suspect this woman has racist views about your relationship with her son, do you actually want to socialise with her? Not trying to be awkward, just wondered whether she is a welcoming bigot or just a bigot full stop?

and what does your dh think about her attitude to your skin colour, and about her attitude to your dd, who I bet is just gorgeous? Does he know this is upsetting you so much? Is he prepared to stick up for you and tell her how sad her lack of interest is making you?

From what you say about her, I'd say that "on paper" she is the loser, with her views she is not necessarily a good role model for your dd, and that you don't want to spend any more time in her company than is needed for politeness' sake. But I know how upsetting it is when even the most annoying of MILs is not as in love with your children as you are :(

Re the loneliness thing, have you posted on here under your usual name where you are, to see if there are any Mn meet-ups in your neck of the woods?
Or ask your HV for a list of local mums and toddler/baby groups.

Yes i do

i invited them all over on new years eve yet she was having a tea on the 2nd of jan and me and my family, were categorically not invited( I have 2 from prev rel and baby) she said that she could not cope with us all, but that hurt it was from then that she really stopped coming over

She has also booked a holiday on babys first bday. That may just be me being paranoid tho seeing something in that!!

But yes i am always asking her over because i think it is important fro baby to know grand parents.

Even in the beginning when she was giving advice i took it from her willilingly and gratefully

You know I think you have nothing to lose in having it out with her. If, as you rightly suspect, she is a bigot, then you really don't need her in your life or your dd's( you have to protect your dd from someone who is critical of her heritage and skin colour). The problem here is what your dh thinks about it all and if he is willing to ignore the problem, that is not really good enough. I think you should ask her outright why she doesn't want to see you and dd more often and take it from there.

I was talking about a situation with a (male, Afro-Caribbean) friend recently. He is good friends with a (white) man we used to work with, who now has three mixed race children. My friend has been round to his house for birthday parties and the such like, at which this bloke's parents have been present. Apparently the grandparents often compare these mixed race children to their daughter's (white) children, suggesting that they are less talented / developmentally slower etc. My (Afro-Caribbean) friend is not someone to suspect racism readily, but he thinks that these grandparents do have a racial issue. Every time the father pulls them up on their comments, but they carry on doing it; the children are quite young at the moment, but it is going to come to a time when they are aware of being thought inferior by their grandparents.

I think this is shocking - because even if you are an old bigot, surely you have to appreciate that your darker-than-anticipated grandchild is part of you too?? If your MIL can't see that, then it's her loss. (I can't believe she's made 'black' comments to your face, either - how rude is that??) It sounds as though she's putting her daughter's kittens over your child.

The only other thing I could think of which might explain things is that she is (obviously) closer to her daughter and finds it easier to talk about baby matters with her. I've got my own problems with my parents (it's true - there are mother / MIL issues all over this website) and, for example, my parents are embarrassed by breast-feeding and want to pretend it's not happening. Even my mother seems quite hostile to the idea (compared with my MIL, who is quite interested in the whole process, blocked ducts and all!). Perhaps your MIL feels more comfortable around her daughter if, say, she whips a breast out (if applicable). Or she's less comfortable with her granny role around you and so therefore doesn't want to leave her comfort zone.

That's the benefit-of-the-doubt option. Personally, I'd say she sounds like a bit of an arse.

My MIL lived through the wall from my BIL and his wife - when their 2 kids were born she never went round once to offer any help. She has babysat for us but only when we go to visit and stay over so we have put the kids to bed and there isn't really anything more to do. I don't think she or my FIL have ever babysat any of their numeous grandchildren until they were much older or offered to come and help out. I guess she's probably done helping with kids since she had so many of her own.

You lot have got me all crying here!!
]Thanks for your support you are right she is bigoted, The first thing she said when we went to see her on Christmas day was that there was not one white face in the Queens speech (she was peed off at this cos she is a royalist.

when my folks were up i said could we come round to visit her and she said in a panicked voice "I am making cheese straws at the moment!"

it is kinda funny as she is a regular Mrs Bucket, but i just feel rubbish today and I look at my lovely daughter who is beautiful

God her daughter just came round (how bizarre) for a tea. Could see I was upset but never discussed problems.

KVG live in kettering area.

I definately need some buddies roulnd here I am gonna put myself out there alot more and I am lucky in that i am quite self reliant and dont really need loads of peoplr round me, but need a few good friends.

Quite funny on the breastfeeding comment, I do BFeed daughter and MIL finds it offensive in the beginning was forever telling me to get DD on bottle, maybe that is what it is she doesnt like it that i do BF. Although she has never seen me do it on new years eve went upstairs when DD needed a feed.

Did she breastfeed herself? I'm guessing not, from her comment. Perhaps she feels that your breastfeeding is a silent slur on her parenting? Pretty immature, but possible. I think my mother feels this as she "couldn't" breastfeed me (I say it in inverted commas as, although she says her milk didn't come in, she also had no support to breastfeed and I was taken away at birth and put in what would now be called special care - so I suspect she didn't have true lactational failure). She's made comments like 'I'd have her on the bottle, if it were me...'

Your cheese straw comment is quite funny. It's not the most obvious excuse for avoiding a social engagement!

Also "not one white face in the Queens speech" - well, there's the Queen herself! What more does she want?? It's the Queen's speech to the Commonwealth.

fb
from what you have posted I wouldnt want her round my child
and I wouldnt give her the steam off my s...
she sounds a nasty old cow

She is a funny bossly little woman who feels nothing in gobbling off at will however politically incorrect.

There is no point in broaching anything with my DH cos he really feels that his mum cant do no wrong. Which is cool i accept that.

She did not feed herself. Straight on bottle.

Think its more likely just clash of personalities more as anything, I am probably just a bit of a hippie chick for her and she likes everything organised no mess etc.

KVG thanks so kind of you

DesperateSCOUSEwife, you are funny!!!!

Am gonnago now on school run.

Thanks to u all youre all superstars.

Thankgoodness for your support.

sometimes its difficult to find reserves in your own strength

big hugs

Feelingblu,i feel for you i really do. My mil and fil are exactly the same as yours.There is no race issue so they don't have that as an excuse.They spend around 6 months abroad at their place there and the rest of the time they live 5 mins away in the car and we never see them.They always come on the kids birthdays when she knows they are at school etc.It really used to wind me up and i admit i lost sleep over it.You have to learn to just let it go and please please remember you are BETTER than her!!! get a support network round you,eg mums at baby groups and get busy and you eventually won't notice her going past your window.(((hugs)))