Is it too far broken to fix :(

[Dangerzones]

I am a regular but have name changed for this.

Where do I begin.
In April, I moved out of our home with DD. I stayed with my family for 2 and a half months. During this time, there was a very bitter exchange of nasty text messages and a lot of hurt on both sides. We'd been going through so much; house move, job problems, financial problems/ debts, family issues (his), and I was 8 weeks pregnant and very sick. DH was being a complete nob, and I reached breaking point. So I moved out.

I'm back now, and trying to pick up the broken pieces. I had not anticipated the level of resentment and anger DH would be harbouring still. I came back to a huge pile of unopened mail which included two court summons for unpaid fines. He had a speeding offence which he's ignored as well. He talked to my DB during the time I was away, saying how depressed and suicidal he felt and how he would never forgive me for taking DD away from him. (he has a very close bond with dd). During the time I was away, I did allow him to take her at times, but admittedly made it difficult at other times due to his behaviour and nasty attitude towards me.

Anyway, I've dealt with all the paperwork which took days and that aspect is almost back on track. The current issue is that we had a huge row last week and DH took over DD's bedroom. He's taken all his things in there, the extra tv, DVD player, bed, clothes, and he has slept there for the past week. Two days ago, in the morning, he came into my bed and we had a cuddle and made up. I had missed him, and it seemed as though he had felt the same. That night, we made love and he told me how much he had missed me and how lonely he felt in the room alone, and I slept in 'his' room (with dd asleep in
the other room). Last night, he came to our shared bed and dd was there too, and he
started saying how comfortable 'his' room was and how comfy 'his' bed was. I said something along the lines of how he think he could 'use and abuse' and then just sleep in his 'own bed', which got him really angry and it started a whole new row. It ended in him taking dd and going to his own bed and sleeping there for the night.

Now Im five months pregnant and he isn't expressing a real interest in the pregnancy. He talks to dd about having a brother or sister but he doesn't talk to me about it at all. It breaks my heart because he was the one who was pleading for a second baby and now there's this unhappiness between us that is not what I imagined as a new beginning for my baby.
I do understand that he appears to be deliberately distancing himself from the new baby as he probably feels like I can just pick the kids up at any point and dissapear, like I did when I went away. I have done that several times before when I've reached boiling point, so he now expects it, and appears to be preparing himself for it, and protecting himself from further hurt.
I, on the other hand, am exhausted with a three year old all day and with the growing pregnancy. I'm not eating very well and I'm just feeling sad the whole time.
I don't want him to sleep in another room, and I don't want him to be so cold and distant, but I feel as though I don't have the right to say this because I went away for so long.
Thank you for reading if you got this far, I know it's long and fragmented, but fragmented is the way things are right now, and I don't know how to fix them without feeling hurt and sad.

Startlife- we havnt had them chats yet. He seems very raw about it still, and I'm afraid of his responses.

I don't know what it would take for me to trust DH if he had done it to me. Probably lots of patience and understanding and consistent proof that I can rely on him and trust him. Possibly over a very long period of time. I can do that, but he's pushing me away.

I think you just need to talk to him. Be open. Tell him you made a mistake. That you want to work through this. That you wont do this again. You want to be with him, and resolve your issues.

Perhaps you could try and write a very carefully worded letter.

Or do what Quint said,if you think he will listen properly.

I don't think he's ready to listen. I know that if I try telling him these things he'll just say it doesn't mean anything to him.

Is it likely that he will leave you? And if,so would it be soon?Am wondering how long you have to try and fix things.

Amillion - I have a horrible, sinking feeling that he is waiting till the birth of our baby, and then he'll be going his seperate way.

I just dont know what to do. Its so extremely difficult to try and get close to him emotionally. The last time I tried, he cut me off with ' you burnt my heart from the inside out'.

I feel so sorry for you Dangerzones.
I think you are going to have to be very gentle with him,and bide your time.

Hang on, everyone having a go at the OP: she said he was 'being a knob' before she left. If he was (for instance) doing fuck all round the house and expecting sex, or having an affair, or criticizing her constantly then she might well have had reason to leave.

What? How can you all be saying this when the op has not explained properly the circs of her leaving or what was happening that led to her curtailing contact ?!

sgb - he was being a nob. But he wasnt having an affair. It was just the constant arguing over anything and everything that wore me down to the bone. He has always helped around the house (not since ive been back though), and has always been a hands on dad with DD. Like I said, it was just constant arguing, and I felt as though he was always the instigator. He thinks the same of course.

I don't know where I stand anymore on what I think about leaving for so long. At the time, it was a relief in the beginning, and then I was very sad. For DD it seemed as though she was getting along fine; she's a very happy, smiley little girl. It was probably why I didn't think she 'needed' to see DH as much as we were surrounded by family who showered her with attention. At times, she did say however that she missed her Daddy lots and her nursery and old friends. And yes, I felt absolutely wretched. Like I said, she did see him several times over the weekends, but not always. I do feel absolutely shit now thinking about it in the context of abuse.

Hmm. It might be worth having a chat with your doctor to rule out PND, which can happen even a year or two after birth.

Heh how interesting that some posters think that if the OP's husband had done something along the lines of hvaing an affair then it justifies things. It really doesn't. I HATE the attitude that women are able to do anything they want if the man has put a foot wrong, it to me is on par with the 'I gave him sex so he should be gratfeul' ideology a lot of women seem to have. Frankly if I ever get into a relationship where I feel I am 'rewarding' my partner for having sex with him I will be incredibly sad. To me thiking if a man does not live up to expectations it is acceptable to 'punish' him is skewed and if ANY man came here saying they would do this to a woman they would be crucified. but regularly here we see women encouraging other women to demand exactly what they want from a man and fuck him if he doesn't live up to it! And any suggestion of give and take is met with hostility. I am all for women not taking shit and so on but I see a disturbing trend towards misandry in many womens posts here and it bugs the shit out of me. We as women do not 'win' by perpetrating on men what has been done to us for centuraries.

Now that rant is done....

OP - I think you have been brave to face up to some bad decision making and I do feel bad personally for being so blunt. Perhaps the way forward would be to write a letter or something to open the lines of communication. Even if maybe he would like to split for a bit, maybe if you can both be open you can find a way to either sort it or co-parent amicably. Good luck.

Erm no, why having an affair? I was thinking if the op's husband had been abusing her and she had left and he had carried on abusing her (nasty texts) then that would be justified... That's why I wanted to find out more before I waded in with size nine feet. If that is the case well done everybody for blaming the victim. It may not be but actually none of you have actually established what was going on.

I think its has been established.
Even if the dh had been a knob, restricting access to a child because the OP was mad at him is wrong. The OP acknowledges that and knows what she did was wrong.
Me and dh split for 6 months and thing have been better than they ever were. We have been back together almost 5 years. when we got back together we were really honest. It wasn't easy. But we listened and promised it would not end in an argument.
We shared dds care 50/50. Dh would have been the same as the OPs dh had I have stopped him seeing dd.
I think this is what causing the hurt. Tbh he may only be with you so he can see his dd.
I would suggest counselling, if he really doesn't want to be with you and feels he can not forgive, its better to know now.
if you do go to counselling, you need to be honest as well. What it it that make you up and leave? What is it that he does that hurts you etc. It can't be all about what you need to do for him.
It needs to be a partnership and at the moment, it doesn't seem like it is.

Thank you all for further responses.

If I am completely honest with myself, I personally don't believe he would have a accepted me back so easily. Eventually, but not so quick - if it hadn't been for DD. can I just say though, he was working full time and was an hour away each way, so on the occasions on which he could take dd ( like weekends), he most often did. He called and spoke to her whenever he wanted to as well. There were some occasions however, that I did not allow it or threatened to not allow it (but then did), which of course is what is the upsetting part. This was usually following a huge bitter fight over phone call or text. Like I said, it was the fact that she wasn't there every day when he came home from work, wasn't there for instant cuddles and chats which broke his heart. But at the time, leaving seemed like the best option. And DD came with me; I am the primary caregiver and DH worked full time. There was no way I could have left her or done 50/50 childcare given the distance and DH's work.
Having said all that, even refusing access once is a horrid thing to do just because you can.
Sorry to dripfeed but towards the end of me being away, we did start talking, and on a couple of occasions, I came to visit DH with dd. DH took us out as a family and we had a lovely time. I could tell though that he was pushing the hurt to the back of his mind just so we can have a nice weekend. While lying in the dark later on, he asked me if he had left me for two months, would I welcome him back into his open arms like he has done. I didn't have an answer. At one point I jumped at the sound of a crackling twig or whatever it was and he laughed and said listen ...it was pitch black and silent. He said this feeling is suffocating when you are alone. This is what I come home to every evening.

Now I think back, there have been conversations like this that I perhaps havnt paid much attention to or could have used as a starting point to talk through things, but I've just steam rollered them and just carried on thinking everything is fine.

Sundaysgirl - I don't think at any point I have felt that I am rewarding my DH by giving him sex. Please don't twist things out of context. I was upset that it seemed he was trying to seperate sex and affection/intimacy and that was how the row began. At no point did I expect him to be grateful for having sex with me. For what it's worth and unbelievably so, our sex life has remained unharmed throughout the fighting and arguing prior to leaving, while I visited during the time I was away, and since being back home. What worries me now is this seperate room idea, but a sexual relationship at the same time. Surely that isn't normal.

It seems like you are able to see yourself, him and your relationship from a different perspective, and with a lot of self insight. You realize you have done wrong, and I think this is the best starting point you can hope for in putting your marriage back on track.

I still think you need to talk to him, open and honestly, listen to his hurt, understand his hurt, and explain that you understand, you regret, you did wrong, etc while at the same time you explain how you could not cope with the arguing and the stress, which caused you to leave. And that you realize now that you should have stayed and talked so you could both support eachother through the hard times, rather than making it worse for him.

Dont be too hard on yourself!

I am talking to him by text.

He is asking where our life is going and how we will make it work.

I don't know what to say - help anyone?

If u love him, if u r sorry and if u want to be with him then tell him. Now is ur chance to tell him how u feel and apologise for whole access issues. Point out that he played his part and u didn't leave without good cause, be honest

I don't think apportioning blame here is going to help anyone. To me it seems that both have behaved badly. IME pregnant wives do not just up and leave because of a few arguments. The OP has already said she was at breaking point and I believe her.

Just as restricting access may have led to her H behaving the way he is, his behaviour may have resulted in her leaving and restricting access in the first place. Neither is a justification, but both OP and her H are victim and perpetrator at the same time.

The point is they have both behaved badly and no one party is IMO more at fault than the other. The point is what they can do from here on in.

OP this sounds deep-rooted enough that I think you probably would need counselling to get anywhere. If your DH is reluctant, tell him it's a small price to pay for fixing your relationship (though even if it does prove impossible to fix, you'll find that it will help keep a divorce much more amicable and easier on your DC).

I've tried talking to him after he's come
Home and he is being so unbelievably nasty and horrible. He's criticising everything about me and saying he doesn't give a fuck anymore and he's realised it doesnt work with me and never will.
The nasty things he's saying is what drove me away in the first place to be honest.

I have already applied for a council home previously so I'm assuming I'm still on the waiting list somewhere. Right now, it's me and dd in one room with all her toys and things and mine, and the new baby's things I'm buying. It's very uncomfortable and cramped.
I'll be finding out about that first thing tomorrow morning.
I can't do this anymore.

I can't do this.

But you see this is why I'm so desperate to find out what was going on before. What exactly led up to the moving out and what do you mean by "nasty texts".

Well offred, it was the same thing. We'd get into an argument - over anything and everything - and he would take it to an extreme level of nastiness. I would reciprocate, he would become even nastier in the things he said. That was the root cause of me leaving. I don't know how else to explain it.