Marriage Breakdown

[Eversosorry]

Hi everyone, my wife told me about this site a few years back when we had our first daughter, and I thought some of you ladies (and gents) may be able to help me out with some advice, because i really am in a bit of a mess.
I met my wife nearly seven years ago, and we have been married for five years. We have two beautiful little girls aged 4 1/2 and 2yrs, who I love dearly.
I love my wife with all my heart, but I have always been rubbish at opening up and showing my true feelings.
This sunday just passed, my wife told me that she wants to split up and that i need to move out of the house. This hit me like a ton of bricks.
She has fired a couple of warning shots across my bow before in the past, and i have made an effort for a few weeks and slipped back into my old routine!
basically I work long hours, and I'm often away once or twice a week, with one or two weeks away around the globe. I've buried myself in work, especially for the past couple of years, and I really haven't paid my wife or my girls as much attention as I should have done.
My wife suffers from anxiety and after she gave birth to our second daughter, she began to lose her hair from alopecia.
She says she still loves me dearly, and that she would die for me, but she's just had enough and has felt so lonely for two years.
Like I said this has hit me really hard, much harder than any other relationship breakdown. I've just turned 40 and have decided to change my life around. I've booked in for a session with a Relate councellor on saturday, and I've got hypnotherapy booked to help me give up smoking - and I'm going to start working out at the gym (something that my wife loves to do and has been trying to get me to do for ages). I'm not doing it for her, I'm doing it for myself and my kids, to demonstrate to her that I mean business.
My wife is on anti-depressants, and has been for a year or more - they are definitely not helping her, and it's almost as though she is bipolar. I'm really worried about her, and I would do anything to turn back the clock.
I basically haven't helped out in the mornings, I've neglected her, and I've not listened to her cries for help - and now i am paying the price.
If I could turn back the clock i'd tell her every day that I love her, I'd get up at the same time as her and help out with the girls.
I've been a fool, and i really don't know what to do.
I'm going to honour her wishes and move out so she can try to sort her head out. She said I can have the girls and see them as often as i like - that's not a problem.
I just love her so much, and it's killing me... Help!!!

I take your point about the expression 'helping out'.

But where the OP's wife is largely at home, it is pretty much her 'job' in the same way if the OP was a SAHD, it would be his job to do the childcare and housework. I have no issues with it being professionally outsourced btw.

"She has fired a couple of warning shots across my bow before in the past, and i have made an effort for a few weeks and slipped back into my old routine!"

She's spoken to you about this on more than one occasion but there have been no permanent changes made by you. It's not as though your wife hasn't tried to make you understand before.

You know she's been on anti-depressants for a year, but even this hasn't spurred you on to make any big changes. The only reason you appear to be keen to make changes now is because your own day-to-day life is now going to be affected.

Well, you've promised her that you will make more of an effort before, and you haven't done so. Why should she believe you this time? It sounds like she's simply had enough of you, and that doesn't make her mentally ill, it makes her a woman who has finally understood that a selfish man will make promise after promise and not change his behaviour.

"I've booked myself in for a session with relate on saturday. My wife won't come, she says that we're beyond counselling. I'm hoping that maybe in a few weeks she might have a change of heart.
The thing that hurts the most is that I know she really does love me. She was crying when she ended it all Sunday, she said she'd die for me, that I could see the kids whenever I want, that she'd never say a bad word to them about me."

The OP's wife sounds every bit as half-hearted as the OP. Why would the she 'die' for OP yet give up without a fight for her marriage and for her children? Why not go for counselling at least. There is something going on in her head that is sadly not normal.

Sounds perfectly normal. He has been a shit husband and failed to change. Of course she will be gutted about him being unable to maintain any changes. It's sad all round.

Blue - your assumptions about mh are very stereotypical and uninformed.

blueshoes i find your posts really insulting. I was watching Worlds Maddest Job Interview earlier tonight. Your attitude shows why programmes like this need to be made.
Oh and im with solid on this. Her having had enough of someone elses behaviour does not make her mentally ill.
I really take issue with the tone of your posts because the attitude isnt on whether mental illness is involved in this situation or not. I especially take issue with the phrase "not normal" FFS.

I am absolutely happy to live with the fact that the OP's wife is not mentally ill but just quick to give up. I can only go on what he says.

I blame her as much as him, if that makes it better.

"Quick to give up" - erm, how many years do you expect someone to actually put up with shitness? He says it has been years and years, if you "only goes on what he says"

Well I spose my DH was/is an over-entitled selfish man when it comes to it. But I think I believed, when I married, that married couples socialised together, blossomed in each other's company, lovingly doted on the DCs.

Now, 30 years on, I realise that the blissful marriage as described above depends on the personalities and interests of the couple and when you have quite different interests you are happy to spend alot of time apart, and housework and childrearing is a tedious and demanding chore whoever does it.

In fact as retirement approaches I am busy thinking of as many hobbies as possible to get me away from DH and he is planning hours in the garage not under my feet.

What isn't clear is what Everso's wife wants. Apparently EVERYTHING is his fault. We don't know what that is and what he needs to do to fix things. It sounds as if she is unhappy but isn't up to deciding why - it's always easier just to blame someone else.

Should have said - it's always easier just to blame someone else rather than face up to your own inadequacies. (as mentioned above I should have made efforts to get a life outside the home but didn't scary )

Well, Since I posted this thread up a lot has happened. I have done a lot of soul searching and have had a realization, an epiphany so to speak. I know realise what I became over the course of a few years, and the reasons why. It all goes back to my previous two relationships. The first one was my first ever serious relationship. That last 5 years, until my ex did the one thing that i have always been scared of, even before i got into any relationships - she cheated on me and ran off with a younger lad. That event scarred me for life, emotionally - I can see that now. About a year later, I met another girl, again fell in love and 4.5 years down the line, she did exactly the same thing to me - another dagger in my heart, and another big emotional scar.
I then fell into a deep, dark place fuelled by drink and drugs for a year, until out of the blue one day, this beautiful Angel came and saved me. That angel was my Wife.
As the years went on, I loved her more and more, but the more I loved her, the more barriers I put up to protect myself. I didn't know I was doing it, but I was.
The more affection she showed me, and the more I loved her, the further away i pushed her - all the time preparing myself for what's just happened. Ironic isn't it, but i really had no idea of who i had become or what i was doing to our relationship.
Each time my wife asked me to change, I did try, and i changed for a week or two - but I now know why I didn't change for good - because i couldn't, I didn't know how to, or even what I had to change or why.
I now see exactly what she sees, and who i became. However, I know who am now, and where i want to be in the future. This episode is the biggest kick in the balls that I have ever had, and it really has changed my life.
I've given up smoking, I've started power walking, cycling and going to the gym to get fit. I have taken my girls out for the day a couple of times, and am having them at the weekend again. I've had such a great time with them both.
I've moved out of the house now, and we've told the girls. I'm just in the process of looking for a permanent place to stay.

I did discover why she ended it though. She began to fancy one or two of the guys at her work (she works in a gym on reception). And she was actually planning on asking one of them for a shag! Which is why she had to get rid of me, because it wasn't fair on me! She has always been into fitness and muscles, and when we met I was a trim 16st. I have put on weight, I'm now 17st 4oz, but I am 6ft 5 and a bit, so i carry it off - but all the weight has gone on my belly.

I've decided to get fit, and give up smoking - not for her, for myself and my girls. I don't want to die at 55/60.
We talked yesterday eve, and she said that there is no other man in her life, and that she just wants to be on her own with the girls. She also gave me the tinyest glimmer of hope. She said that she didn't want to even consider us getting back together, but who knows in 6 months or even a year?
I 'm not one to just jump into bed with anyone as soon as my relatinships break down. I waited over a year when the last one broke down, and I was the one that was being cheated on.
I'm going to do everything my wife says. I still love her immensly, and I know how I hurt her by pushing her further away, but I really could not help myself.
She said last night, 'why oh why couldn't you have realised all this six months ago?' My answer was simply, because i couldn't. I took this life changing experience for me to work it all out.

I do hope we might have a future together. I would do everything differently. I really am a changed man now, but either way - I just want her to be happy. We're staying amicable for the sake of the girls, who we both love dearly. Who knows, If i can demostrate that I am a changed man over the coming months - and I start to even look like a changed man physically, she may see a glimpse of who she fell in love with an married. I have no expectations. I have to carry on living my life now to achieve my goals as far as changing myself to who I want to be.

And of course, be the very best father to my two adorable little girls! My eldest, (4 1/2) knew something was up yesterday. I had them both for the day and tooke them to the funfair at the beach. My eldest clung to me all day (not like her at all), even to the point where she had her head in the crux of my elbow while I drove them home. She told me over 50 times that she loved me very much - which is completely out of character.
So I texted my wife and told her we had to say something. She agreed. So i told her that mummy and daddy love her very much and that would never change, but mummy and daddy wouldn't be living together anymore. Daddy had to move to a bigger office so he can do more work, but there will be a bed there for her and her sister and that they could stay with me any time they wanted to.
It was by far the most gut-wrenching thing I have ever had to do.

It's a week and a half now since we split, and I'm missing my wife immensly. Se's started a new facebook page, and she says she's single. I'm spending much more quality time with my girls, who have both been affected by this already. I'm trying to be strong, and keep focussed, but it's so hard - i love and miss her dearly.

This is really sad. Good luck Everso, I hope it all works out for you, your wife and your girls. You can only do your best, keep up the good work and hopefully things will get better.

What a sad story, Everso. It's hard to predict the future, but whether or not she comes back to you, at least you will be fit, healthy and a wonderful father to your girls as well as a good role model who respects and gets on with their mother.

And in any future relationship, with your wife or anyone else you won't ever make the same mistakes again! Good luck, keep us updated!