Moving on from a family conflict/situation

[TeaDr1nker]

I am looking for some advice on how I can move on/resolve/come to peace within myself about a situation within my family. If anyone can suggest a book to read, even better.

In a nutshell, I would like to spend more time with my sister and her family, the trouble is her DH does not like my DP (it doesn't matter why). I see my sister alone or with our DC. I have often asked her to come round on the weekend for lunch etc but she always declines and so i have stopped asking, which upsets me. When I say 'DP has not seen X for ages, why don't you all come over, she says - well he knows where the phone is, why don't they go to the pub'. My DP does not drink, and when he does socialise it is with me, never on his own, its just not his way, so my DP would never go out alone with sisters DH.

I know that i have to move on, it makes me sad but i know for myself i need to put it to bed, so to speak.

Has anyone else had experience of this and how did you come to terms? It takes up too much space in my head!

Why would she suggest the men went to the pub if her DH doesn't like him? And, if the contact is important to you, would your DH be prepared to forego 'his way' for an afternoon in order to share a pint? It could break the ice.

He doesnt like him because DP and my father had a quarrell in his house, now the fact that DP and my dad have made up is incidental, BIL wants an apology, hence the reason to go to a pub to talk things through, however DP point is that it had nothing to to with BIL so what is the issue. I have suggested he go to the pub and he says no. So you see that is why I have this situation that neither my DP or BIL really want to resolve. BIL did come over at the weekend as i had a party and beyond DP asking him id he wanted a drink or anything else BIL did not talk to him.

When i type it out i know that the problem is with both of them, though DP doesn't see a problem.

So that was why i said i need to move on and put it to bed, as i know that BIL is the type of person where if he feels he is wronged he walks away and won't do anything for the sake of the wider family harmony. I'm not talking about living in each others pockets but i guess i had hoped that perhaps once every three months or so they could come here for lunch/tea or visaversa.

I have spoken to my mum in confidence and she says i have to realise that things are not going to be how i would like them and that is that. It just upsets me thats all.

If we look at all this from your sisters point of view.

Her DH,for whatever reason does not like your DP,so she has a bit of a problem.She does see you alone or with DC.
She sees that your DP never drinks,and refuses to go out alone without you.
DP could drink juice or whatever,and not going out alone without you is not normal.
Her DH wants an apology after a row.And he is not happy.Maybe he is entitled to an apology?

To summarise,your sister has a few problems in this situation that are out of her hands more or less,and your DP is not exactly helping in any way is he?

I think if your husband has a fight/argument in someone else's home, he should apologise to the people living there. He has no right to start an argument and if someone starts it with him, he should say, "Not here, this is SIL's and BIL's home." He is in the wrong.

I would just not push the issue.
You still get to see your sister and she gets to see you so what's the issue?
You can't force these 2 men to get on so jsut leave them to it.
They've obviously clashed antlers and neither wants to make the first move so just drop it.
Left to their own devices they'll probably move on eventually.

My DH and my BIL are absolute chalk and cheese and although there has been no falling out as such, neither have got much time for each other which is a shame as my Dsis and I are v close but we just see each other without our DHs and it works fine. It is a shame as I had visions of us having meals out, holidays etc but it won't happen. I have accepted it. Either your DP apologises (which he probably should and should have done at the time) or you accept the situation for what it is.

I actually agree that if your DH and your DF made a scene in your BIL's house, that they should both apologise to him and I think your DH is being churlish to refuse to do so. It may not have been anything to do with your BIL, but it happened in his house so he was subjected to it perforce.

Get your DH to man up and apologise and all this could be resolved quite easily, instead of you and your sister trying to pussyfoot around their egos and "find ways to move on".

Yup, if the squabble was in your BIL's house then he does deserve an apology, whether he was involved in the squabble or not. Tell your H to stop willy-waving and apologise like a grown-up. Mind you, it sounds like you are surrounded by willy-wavers, which must be very tiring.