DH is resentful

[toysoldiers]

That's it really.

DH has always been a bit of a miserable bugger (although very outgoing and highly entertaining). However, as the years have gone on I've realised that actually he's just quite a bitter person and seems to resent lots of people for lots of things.

It's starting to get me down.

I don't have any issue with what he does - he pulls his weight, is good with the kids, works hard etc.

It's just his attitude that is wearing.

A few examples. Before DC I had a good job and earned more. He always jokingly belittled my job and put it down (although underneath, he wasn't joking at all). I'm now freelance and earn decent money (a little bit less than him but for less than half the time) and he almost refuses to recognise this, still seeing himself as the 'breadwinner'

We were discussing his job which is very stressful at the moment - working incredibly long hours. He earns OK money but I think he could do an awful lot better as he is incredibly clever and competent. He always says he doesn't want to, which is fine I suppose. Anyway, I said that if he was so stressed and working so hard, he may as well apply for a new job one step up (which he had mentioned) as he would be just as stressed and hard working for but nearly double the money.

His response was 'why should I earn more money just so you can spend it' .

This morning, the DC were still asleep at 8. Usually DH has breakfast with them before he leaves. When they woke he kept making PA comments about them sleeping late and not going to bed early enough. He clearly hated the fact that he was the only one up in the holidays.

It's always a problem when I ask him to pick the kids up or drop them off, or if I go out. Even though he's quite happy to do it if I don't need him to.

It's me he resents. I try to talk to him and he says I'm being ridiculous but I don't feel like it.

I just want a husband to want to do things for me, or to see us as an equal partnership but I don't think he does.

I think he has issues which he needs to resolve (about his parents' marriage) but I'm never going to get him to.

I realised this is a ramble but feel better for putting it down, so I'm not going mad.

He's not very nice to you, is he?

You want an equal marriage.

He wants to belittle you and feel superior in any way he can concoct.

Doesn't sound like compatible aims.

He sounds awful. Do you ever pull him up on his petulance?

I couldn't be doing with this.

Did you pull him up on his belittling your job?

When he said you'd just spend any extra money, did you point out you earn nearly the same as him now?

Why shouldn't the kids have a lie in on their holidays? I bet he does.

He does sound really bitter and it's a very unattractive trait.

PS If you worked full time, could you double your money?

Kotinka, I think that's exactly right.

I'm only telling his worst bits. He also has lots of good points.

In my amateur psychology way I think he's frightened of sticking his neck out for fear of failing.

Also his parents marriage was similar. He was very close to his Mum until she died about 5 years ago.

His Dad wasn't nice to his Mum, as a result she drank and smoked heavily. She also put a lot of responsibility on DH for her happiness. I.e. her husband didn't make her happy so her son would.

I think she was lonely.

dFIL was made redundant when DH was about 12. DMIL retrained and then became main breadwinner. I think this is behind a lot of the issues, although DH would deny it.

I told him over the weekend that I now see why his mum was so lonely and he was treating me exactly as his father treated her. I don't want DS telling his girlfriend about me in similar terms in 20 years time. .

I pull him up on it a lot as his negativity is rubbing off on DS1 and I'm not living with a houseful of miseries.

He refuses to recognise a problem or that I'm unhappy.

For most men there is a lot of focus on them being the breadwinner, by which I mean that they measure their own success in life on being able to provide for their family in the best way possible. While he certainly shouldn't be undermining you and your own career it sounds to me like he feels as though he has failed in some way. My dh works very long hours in a very demoralizing job which he is far too over qualified for but had to take after being out of work for several years with nothing else on the horizon.

I too have noticed he is a lot moodier since he has started this job and although he would never say it, i think he resents me progressing in my own far easier and better paid job. I just try not to rub in how much I enjoy my job, and tell him that I am proud of the fact that he sticks at a job which is not suitable for him in order to help provide for the family. In the meantime I am always on the lookout for job vacancies for him.

I wish you both all the best, none of this is your fault and only he can find a solution for it.

Thanks MrsMills, that sounds familiar.

The job he has now was one after redundancy. He worked really hard to get a job very quickly. It's not a bad job at all and he is working really hard.

I just wish he could be a little happier.

I thought PA (passive aggressive) before you said it, OP!

I don't know what the long-term solution is, but short-term, medium-term, I would say call him on the things he says to you.

If he says "Why should I earn more money so you can spend more", I would say what do you mean by that? If you end up having a flaming row, so be it.

It will teach him that he cannot get away with saying disrespectful things to you and get away with it.

The alternative is you swallowing these unpleasant PA comments, which is making you unhappy. Good luck.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What do you feel yourself about this man now?. Do not bring the children into it by writing something along the lines of "well he's a good dad" (to which I would reply he clearly is not if he treats the mother of his children in such a manner). I would like to know your own feelings towards him.

You will never have an equal marriage as long as you remain in this. What happens too when the children up and leave home and its just the two of you, what then for you?.

TBH he learnt an awful lot of damaging stuff from his parents poor relationship; its a great pity that his mother did not have enough support to leave her nasty husband but instead made her own son responsible for her happiness. Your DH learnt from both of these people as to how to conduct relationships and now these lessons are being shown in your marriage today.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. He certainly is imparting damaging lessons to them re how relationships work and he is certainly acting passive aggressive, itself a behaviour highly damaging to children.

You cannot change him; you can only help your own self here. I would go to Relate on my own (I suggest that as he would likely never attend any such sessions anyway) and thrash out all these issues in a controlled and safe environment. He does not at heart want to know your opinions and is not interested in sorting anything out, you to him are the little woman tied to the kitchen sink (same as his dad saw his wife).

And, to add to what's been said above, I'd say that it doesn't matter who's earning what. If you start trying to calculate who brings in what financially and who spends how much time doing this, that and the other, you reduce your relationship to a petty tit-for-tat business partnership. As long as no one is taking the p*ss and you both strive to make each others' and your DC's lives comfortable and happy, then it really shouldn't be a question of completing time & motion studies for each partner.

Being at home isn't all roses, neither is going out to a workplace. Both have their ups and downs, their perks, their drudgery etc.

It sounds like he's not enjoying work, and is feeling sorry for himself. Either challenge him on the petty comments, or choose to ignore them - if he is generally a decent bloke, then maybe biting your tongue (unless it becomes a regular de-stressing mechanism for him) is the easiest option.

Personally I don't earn as much as my OH and have no problem spending the money - we don't see it as 'his' and 'hers' - we both work hard at home and at work. If you have separate accounting, then I think it's easier to fall into a 'who earns/spends what' mentality, so maybe a joint account and a frank discussion of the fact that you're working together as a team to keep your family happy is on the cards?