How do I improve my relationship with my daughter?

[LadyRainicorn]

My eldest dd has just turned 5. I have another dd of 6 months.

DD1 is very bright, very strong and active and very imaginative. She is also easily frustrated, only seems to operate at full speed and very demanding. She always has been.

She (to my shame) has always been able to wind me up and then I get angry with her and it ends up escalating as she also reveals in the drama. I'd been doing better at treating flare ups and outright disobediance and rudeness calmly (for a much happier life on both our parts!) but now we have the combo of new sister to contend with and school holidays there's been some kind of row every day. And holidays are only just starting!

I don't want to be so negative with her. I don't want to be that mum always ticking off and criticizing their children who can't do anything right (this happens at the end of a bad day).

Please help me stop the whole negative attention cycle thing. I can see the reasons for her behaviour but it's mine that needs working on. How do I keep my cool and be the mother she deserves?

Swap negative attention for positive. Set aside time to spend it with your DD doing 'grown-up girl' things. Leave the baby with Dad, take her out and about, that kind of thing. As part of the time you spend together, explain what it is you appreciate about her... being energetic, clever, imaginative and how much you like it when she helps you with the baby or makes you smile. Explain also that you don't like getting angry with her, don't like the silly arguments, and ask her if she has any ideas how to avoid that happening and make things go more smoothly. You may be surprised by the answer.

I don't think you have to 'keep your cool'... unnatural calm is not a healthy thing :) ... and you are not your DD's friend, you are her mother and you have responsibilities. But try connecting every so often as equals and sometimes children respond.

I have a child like that, a few years older.

I second Cogito. Also, in my case, I noticed that the biggest meltdowns were happening when she had a particular idea in her head about how something was going to play out, and I had an opposing view and basically made her do what I wanted. So now I'm much better at finding out what's on her mind and trying to work out a sort of middle ground that will make her feel she has some ownership of it. It can be frustrating and annoying and there are times when I feel like walloping her yelling my lungs out at her, but on balance, it's better to put in the leg work.

Another thing I noticed is that when she's sleep-deprived, all that behaviour is so much worse. It sounds obvious but sometimes you might forget that she got to bed late the previous night or whatever.

In general, my lass likes to be praised and will react better if I preempt some behaviour with a positive comment, but it's bloody difficult sometimes and I sympathise with you.

Is your daughter very like you in personality? I find that mine is, and on one side, that's good cos you recognise behaviours, but on the other side, it's also a clash and battle of wills!

Thanks cogito. this is kinda what was working before the holidays. And I agree that I'm her mum and not her friend, I was hoping to not feel like running away before exploding at her in rage !

The keeping calm was just to try and get over whatever it was that blew up to be over quickly. She seems to feed off drama... I dunno, one-to-one time is usually pretty good but I can't ignore the baby for ever and then DD1 starts to play up. If I lose it it's often when say, the baby is screaming because I'm not picking her up because I'm cooking dinner for DD1 and then DD1 starts whining and being rude about the fact food doesn't appear like magic and then after telling her off for that I get the seemingly unending emotional blackmail. Apparently I 'break her feelings' amongst others. I try not to respond but with the baby screaming too I sometimes do.It's like she waits till I'm least able to cope with her being a madam to start.

helltotheno I think we both have tempers but others very different personalities. tbh if she was an adult I'd met I'd enjoy her company and socialise but I don't think she'd be someone I go on holiday with iykwim. And I feel terrible about it.

Tiredness, yes, DH and I have a tacit acknowledgement to let behaviour slide a little if she gets overtired.

And she shouts all the time! is this every 5 yr old??

Why did I bother?!

Good luck...

Read this book - seriously. It will sort the problems and give you effective strategies to use. The Incredible Years

I have a 5 and a 3 year old ... I sympathise!

We have a standing joke ... "I´m right here you know, you don`t need to shout!" ... which she now says to me with a big grin on her face(!)

It´s hard having the baby too ... but it may be that the 5 year old can do more with you than you think. I am tired of being the magic fairy who produces food ...so I have got the eldest more into helping with the food prep. Providing I am there to supervise, she can cut and peel and stir and actually help. If you could do this with the baby in a sling, then that might kill a few birds with one stone ... one on one grown up time, rocking baby and getting dinner ready.

Also, without being too pollyanna about it, I´ve found that actually listening to her when she is being a pain in the arse helps. Often she is trying to explain something or tell me something and I just want her to do whatever it is that I want. It´s actually quicker to listen to her, deal with what she needs, and THEN she will do what I need her to do.

But mainly, I sympathise

Oops sorry about that OP, I thought you hadn't read my post, my bad

Don't be so sure yet that you're very different to her. I used to think that too (partly because she was difficult), but as the years have gone on, I realise that we're actually very similar. Not saying that's a good thing but it did help me understand her better.

Shouting, yes mine would be a shouter, but a street angel, ie it's only us who get the shouts! The shouting really annoys me though. I often wonder if she shouts cos of the times I've yelled at her... reasonably few and far between I'd like to think but I still have yelled...

At least you have awareness of it which is more than half the battle.

Oh LadyRainicorn, I have no further suggestions - just feel empathy as my DD is v similar.

Your comment about 'breaking her feelings' struck a real chord: mine often says 'You have ruined me!' when she's in a major strop

Thanks for all the suggestions. Had a nice day, then the next day she refused to behave for dh, which made a change. One step forward, two steps back...

My sister sounds similar to your DD. She's all grown up now and my mother has no relationship whatsoever with her. There are some other reasons behind that, but the terrible battles between her and my mother were a huge factor in this. So good on you for tackling this young.

Clearly my observations mostly lean towards what not to do, which you are likely already aware of. Although it wouldn't hurt to be reflective on it at the end of the day when you're a bit calmer - what would you do differently next time, would you have reacted the same way if there was another adult around etc.

My mother was determined to win, which doesn't work well with a strong young personality like my sister. Especially when my sister was be right, since my mother left herself no room to back down or change her mind. In hindsight, it's terrible that she was so insecure that she had to wield power over young child. It was just a vicious power struggle and it was really unpleasant for all of us.

The things I think would have helped in my family: Divert your daughter's energy into something constructive. Really make an effort to look for the good in her behaviour and give her positive attention. It sounds like the new baby is creating lots of extra work and stress with your DD. Could you find ways to get your daughter to help? It'd be great for her to get praise and to feel that her new baby sister and her parents rely on her in some way.

As frustrating as the situation might be, remember you are the adult and you need to control your reactions and your anger. If you as a grown woman - with more 'emotional literacy', knowledge and self-awareness - can't moderate your behaviour, how the hell can a five year old? (I mean this in a nice way- remember it's tricky for your DD too.) And most importantly, pick your battles, it's not a zero sum game where there's a winner and a loser. Leave yourself room & don't let yourself get backed into a corner where you have to win to save face.

Good luck. You can both have a better time than this, I hope you can report back later with happier news.

My mother was determined to win, which doesn't work well with a strong young personality like my sister. Especially when my sister was be right ( aussiecita). That is what I realised when my son was younger. When she says something to you, before you answer, (usually no), think if she could be right. Ask yourself if she has a point, then work out your response. Once you do that it cuts out some of the conflict.

Thanks all.

Most of the wailing, threats to call the police and accusations of not loving her are now from when she's just being outright disobedient or rude i.e. 'DD1 put your shoes on, we're off out' she wanders off, starts playing with something else, says she's doing it when she's fiddling with something else. Or where I ask her to stop rubbing some filthy rag she found on the train on her mouth on Sat I got a snotty, you're so stupid mummy tone of voice 'my lips are not my mouth' and she carried on rubbing it in. yeuch.

My mum just engineered (unwittingly? dunno...) an almighty row this morning. I shall keep this thread somewhere as a prompt to be adult, even when no-one's treating me that way (le sigh).