I apologies in advance - this will be a long and probably quite jumbled post, I am looking for somewhere to get my thoughts out and some advice really:
My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2.5 with a DS.
6 weeks before we got married I found out he had been emailing an ex, it was sexting via Facebook - including some stuff about fantasising about her etc. I confronted him, he apologised, we moved on - I thought it was a blip due to all of the big changes we had happening in life. We got over it.
About 6 months after we got married my husband fell very sick. He was hospitalised and put on a cocktail of medicine after a total of 6 weeks in. When he came out and we got back into a new normal life - he was quite often sick or ill, having to cut down his work hours etc.
About 3 months after I thought things were back to normal He showed me a text on his phone from the same ex - but this time it said that she was worried because she had cause to believe that her 7 y/o DS was my husbands and not her own husbands. We spoke about it, we were both upset but we decided we would go ahead and take the paternity test, on the condition that if my H was the dad we would want access to him, to get to know him and bring him into our family - she said fine. Fast forward a few months and she texts H to say that she can't be bothered to test but she is now sure he's her husbands. We say ok, fine - don't contact us again, you've tipped our lives upside down again - my H was upset and angry but there was nothing we could do.
So we're getting on with our lives, it's a good 18 months later and H gets a new phone - we are sitting in the living room doing normal evening stuff and I ask to look at his new phone, it's an iPhone so I wanted to explore etc - he gives it to me but there is a lock in it - I am messing about trying to unlock it, jokingly saying "I'll lock it" etc and the next thing a message comes in from ex - it does that thing where it gives you the first line of the text and it says "mmm, yes dilf I'd love it..." I ask him to unlock it, he won't - I get up, get my keys and leave the house - he phones me to say "come back I'm so sorry" and I tell him in no uncertain words that if I catch him doing it again I will leave, I will take DS and I will leave.
Things start to get back to normal - he has to go away with work so I realise that I miss him when he's not here and this kind of makes me think that it's worth fighting for.
Then a week ago Friday we were out shopping, we had to nip home to put some shopping away and then go back out - he asked me to grab his iPod from the kitchen - as I do I see another message from this girl. I read the whole fucking thing "hey milf, just looking at your pictures and wanking, I wish you were here I'd be doing x y and z" and so and so forth back and forth, I read them and I make a note of the times, dates etc - turns out he actually didn't stop emailing her - we have a huge row, he's crying and I'm shaking with rage. I tell him to pack his bags but he wouldn't - he said he wanted to fight for our marriage.
I calmed down and asked him what he had been doing, I asked him if he has had an affair and whether or not they had been exchanging photos - he said no affair and that she sent him a photo. We calmed down - I look around and I just don't know what to do.
We talk it out, he changes his number and deletes his email address - I am not convinced so check his phone - he has sent photos, he has sent one where he is in fucking bed next to me - with the message "this was risky but you are worth it"
I honestly don't know what to do.
I am in my early 20s and have just finished uni - I don't want to be 25 and a divorced single mum - but I don't want to be 45 and thinking "why am I still with this man"
The last 6 months have been a nightmare, I have lost a very close family member and just found out that I have failed a module in my final year at uni - we have a couple of debts (car loan, student loan the usual). He makes me shake with anger because he won't admit to anything until I have hard evidence to prove it - so I can't trust when he says he hasn't had an affair.
I just feel so broken. I look at my DS and I just don't want to be the one that has broken his family - he's only a toddler but is very quick to pick things up, we have had to be very careful not to talk about it in front of him but I just don't know where to go from here. I've told 2 people in rl and they both think it's time to leave but I don't think im strong enough to do that.
I emailed the ex, I told her that I knew her name and all of her contact details I also told her I knew her husbands and that if she tried to get back in touch I'd be using them to destroy her life like she has mine.
She replied saying that she knew more than H was letting on but that she was loyal to him and that she would cut contact also - I know I'm not supposed to blame her but she's a fucking bitch - how do I get past that?
He has broken my heart