Difficulties in the process of becoming a step parent

[feelsreallytricky]

I have a wonderful DP, he is lovely and such a doting Dad to his young DD. His devotion to his DD is one of his real qualities.

What I find difficult is how emotionally detached he becomes with me before during and after access. I'm not asking for unreasonable amounts of attention, but I do understand that I have issues with this detachment that are my issues alone.

In the run up to access he goes very quiet, barely speaks and is very closed. During access he will instigate conversations by phone or text but his messages are really cold and short and there is no closeness when we speak on the phone. After access it is as if we have to start again and build the closeness back up again.

I do come from a difficult family in which my punishment from parents was to have love and warmth removed, so I know this is a trigger for emotional distress for me.

Is it just me or do other non resident parents do this?
I would never ever want the access to reduce, and in time his DD would hopefully come to us rather than just to him. We don't live together yet, but really hope to in the future. Other than this we have a beautiful relationship.

I do have other worries about the future. I have DC, I'm skint and am not in a position to give DC what I would like to be able to give them. DP apys maintenance, I would not want to be with a man who didn't. He also says that 'whatever DD wants she gets' and spends huge amounts of money on her, which is lovely, but down the line we may be in a position in which we live together and share finances, and I would expect all of our DC's be to treated equally. There is no way that I could spend on DC the way he does.

I've namechanged by the way, I'm a regular in this topic in particular.

It really is pumping. Everything feels so messed up. I was meant to be waxing and tanning my legs, which may sound silly but I'm likely to be in shorts tomorrow and wanted to feel good about myself.

Before he elbowed me he had been leering quite subtly about a couple of women on tv, in front of DC. I didn't respond, DC don't need to see arguments right? He knew he'd pissed me off, that's why he stormed off.

I'm so angry. I feel so compromised and so humiliated.

This man has so many issues. It is not you!

"Before he elbowed me he had been leering quite subtly about a couple of women on tv, in front of DC."

Ick!

You can't have a sleazeball like that around your kids.

And he elbowed you?

Um, this guy is seriously bad news.

Yes, right in the belly flab made me feel really attractive, I tell you

I've just messaged him saying that I find his detachment from me very difficult and there is no need for it. I've also asked that he doesn't go on about other women if he hasn't gone to the trouble of making me feel wanted and beautiful. I've also pointed out that when DC get up I've got questions to answer about him walking out, and that I would never have put him in this position.

What is really fucking me off is that if I had known he would pull the plug on us today, I would have arranged to borrow my friend's wheelbarrow so I wouldn't have to lug everything around at the festie, but my friends are away now. I'm feeling very left in the lurch! We wouldn't have had room for the wheelbarow as he was coming.

What an insensitive prick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night I was meant to do the shopping, clean out the pets, have a bath, defuzz and tan up. If I start all that now DC will wake up and ask questions.
This fucking idiot is ruining things :(

All these things I've had to say to him this morning are things that I shouldn't even be in a position that I have to say. Does that make any sense?

Can you forget about him for a couple of days, enjoy the festival and give yourself some space?

Agree with the others, he doesn't sound like a keeper and you have done nothing wrong!!

If it is over (and it does sound like you would be better off without him) it will feel crap for a few days/weeks but you will get over it and be better for it.

If he can't understand what is worrying me, apologise for being a twat and come to the festie then he is out of the door. I won't be with someone who ruins the good times.

Well I've had a complete about turn on this thread. I really, really think you need to reconsider this relationship and certainly postpone moving in together.

The more you post about him, the worse he's sounding. He's disrespectful, emotionally withdrawn, constantly moving the goalpost of acceptable behaviour, transferring his bad behaviour onto you and getting angry with you instead of taking responsibility, ruining events you've planned and looked forward to...

If it's like that now, when you still have your independence, what do you think it will be like when you're living together?

I'm so sorry.

I hear you. It would be oppressive, it would be the emotional roller coaster I don't want to be on :( For him to walk out in front of DC and leave me dangling says it all.

I'm so gutted :(

Oh sweetheart. (((((hugs))))

I know it hurts like hell right now, but try to feel proud of yourself over this. Your instincts have rightly picked up that this isn't right and you're doing something about it. Lots of people don't have that level of awareness, let alone the strength of character to do something about it. The pain you're experiencing now has saved you 100-fold longer term.