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Relationships

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Really fancy this guy, but just can't be 'me', and not sure he even has me on his radar

10 replies

UnbridledPositivity · 24/07/2012 22:01

I'm pretty sure he doesn't see me as dating, relationship or even friend material, but I just can't get him out of my head.

We have some friends in common, and both belong to a group of ca. 10 people that meets once a month. We have met for coffee just us, initiated by me, and make small talk. He is always lovely, always says nice to see you/nice to hear from you etc., says he wants to hear about things if I mention something I'm working on. But he is kind of distant.

I really like him, and occasionally send him a message (email) if I can find the tiniest pretext (not very often!), to which he always responds promptly. But I find it really difficult to be myself - I get so nervous, and when I feel like that I try not to say the wrong thing, so only talk a little bit in short sentences, with probably not a lot of genuine facial expressions because I have a tendency to grin too much when I'm excited about talking to someone. So I feel like I'm either a grinning loony or a stoney faced bore.

Is there any way of moving things to the next level with this guy? In our most recent message exchange he said he wanted to learn more about something I was working on, but possibly just to be polite. I said I was available for a lesson in this subject anytime, and he said he was looking forward to hearing more. But nothing specific was arranged. Then I bumped into him the next day and he asked about the subject, but everything suddenly disappeared from my memory and I couldn't tell him anything and probably sounded a bit disorganised. There was another friend there, otherwise I would have suggested meeting some other time.

Is there any point in trying to pursue this? Should probably mention that I still haven't managed to take my wedding ring off, despite having been separated for over a year, which he knows. I know a decent guy probably wouldn't go after someone who still looks attached (emotionally or actually). He is also about 6 years older than me, no children, not married.

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 24/07/2012 22:29

Why would you not just ask him out? Why put yourself through all this?!
You have his email address. He sounds like a very nice guy who, even if he says no, will be kind about it and let you keep your dignity intact!

MushroomSoup · 24/07/2012 22:29

By the way, do you know that he's single?

ImperialBlether · 24/07/2012 22:34

Get that wedding ring off! He could well be a nice bloke who thinks you're lovely but married/haven't got over your husband.

Apart from that, you've done enough, I think. I wouldn't ask him out. Carry on with your meet ups, but remember he's not instigating anything, is he? Get to know him better and it will become clearer.

solidgoldbrass · 24/07/2012 22:36

I'm afraid it sounds like he is not interested in having any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with you; you have given him plenty of opportunities to let you know if he is.

Just because you are single and he is single doesn't mean he is under any kind of obligation to date you. He may very well like you as in thinking of you as a pleasant person he's happy enough to socialise with, but if he doesn't fancy you then he doesn't fancy you and it's better to move on and look elsewhere.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/07/2012 22:51

I'm sorry, OP. I agree with SGB. I think most women know when somebody DOESN'T fancy them, they get that 'vibe' and I'd say it's accurate.

In your position, I'd back away, be polite and friendly if you do meet in a group, and just let him take the initiative if he ever decides to. It doesn't sound very much as if he wants to though... your wedding ring is immaterial, you say that he knows the circumstances.

Cast your net a bit wider than your group of friends maybe?

UnbridledPositivity · 24/07/2012 23:11

Not sure how to cast my net wider, tbh - don't really get to go out much.

He was single a few months ago, but he's very private. Although when we met up he told me some things about previous relationships. Confused

I just want to find a way of coming across as myself rather than some catatonic person iyswim as then he might get a better impression and I wouldn't feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/07/2012 23:17

The thing is, Unbridled, when you actually fancy somebody, you make the effort to get to know them, to think the best and most positive of them. Why do you have to make all the running? You wouldn't, you know, if he felt motivated, but he doesn't seem to at all.

I think the only way to find out whether he's interested if for you to be less so yourself... let him do the running if he's so inclined. You've shown him that you're interested - I really wouldn't keep doing that. Not at all.

DinahMoHum · 24/07/2012 23:23

tae your wedding ring off for a start. Not many decent men are going to go for someone with a wedding ring on, and remember its not about getting him to like you, its seeing if you both get on. If conversation isnt flowing between you now, what makes you think it would later on down the line?

UnbridledPositivity · 25/07/2012 19:17

I take a while to get comfortable with people, so for me conversation flows with hardly anyone initially. Blush (I'm a right catch.)
Will work on taking the wedding ring off.

OP posts:
UnbridledPositivity · 12/08/2012 18:44

Bump: no wedding ring for several weeks now. Feels ok Grin

I really want to ask him to meet up... There's a really nice relaxed event next weekend - afternoon, so not obviously date-y. I think it would be lovely...

OP posts:
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