Worried over nothing

[lauragravey]

I've been good friends with somebody who I am getting more and more worried about.

She has been married 14 years and as far as I can tell, it's always been a pretty solid marriage. Her husband is a lovely man and she has 3 children. I know money isnt everything but they are comfortable.

A few months ago I sensed that she was getting distracted. She told me that she wanted a change and I figured that she was just restless. About a month ago she cut her lovely long hair into what I can only describe as a short back and sides. Needles to say, most people including her husband were shocked. Then she got a very large cherry blossom tattoo on her shoulder and top of her arm. As one of her best friends, I didn't see that coming!

She is also dressing differently, baggy trousers, shorts and simple tips when she always used to make an effort and looked classy. She goes to the gym 2 hours a day and is much leaner than I have ever seen her. She told me that she has always wanted a smaller chest size and feels much better slim.

I have to be honest and state that she is looking very masculine and it is definitely impacting her relationship. Both with her friend and obviously her husband. He doesn't have any explanations.

Am I a bad friend or is this something to worry about?

Not nesessarliy to worry about if she's happy but perhaps to ask her why all the changes which may open up a whole other conversation?

Maybe she's gay?

It seems odd that getting fit, cutting her hair, wearing easy clothes and having a tattoo is impacting her relationship? On the face of it, it looks as though he's more interested in a certain appearance than his wife. That in itself would be enough to trigger the changes, and I'd be cheering her on.

But giving herself a total overhaul very quickly could also be a symptom of insecurity, dissatisfaction, an affair, a breakdown or, indeed, questioning her whole life including her sexuality.

Does she seem more happy and relaxed now? Or still distracted? And why on earth would "looking very masculine" impact on her friendships?

I think she might be discovering she's gay. I went through a similar phase but I was 16 then. Baggy trousers, trying to look tough, maybe it's similar with your friend OP.

Sounds like a gay thing. My step daughter did this and is now extremely butch fem.u
Ask her. She might just apprdciate a non judgemental chat.

You realise you've completely outed this woman, don't you? Anyone within a ten mile radius would recognise her ffs.

Why is it affecting her friendships and marriage? How in depth have you spoken to her husband about it?

Both my husband and I have spoken to her husband quite a lot recently. Just to be clear, its a pretty drastic transformation, albeit over a number of weeks. However, we've all definitely noticed a personality change.

Each of our friends have all tried to get to the bottom of her reasons for making these changes but no one thinks they have a sensible answer. I'm sure there must be a reason, but apart from the gym, she doesn't go out away from our social group and is always their for her kids.

A few people have mentioned that they suspect she might be questioning her sexuality. This is something I suspected but i just dont know how to talk with her about that. I mean, how can she be? She is married with 3 lovely kids. I dont want to appear like im from the stoneages but shouldn't she have known before now? I just dont understand.

Maybe she did know before but suppressed it and can't suppress it anymore? I've seen this happen alot, I know plenty of gay people who were previously married with children before they came out.

Whether she is or not I would carry on being the same friend to her that you've always been and let her talk to you when she's ready.

I think if YOU are a good friend she will talk about it when she is ready the most you can do is leave her be as you said she is always there for her kids, you need to be supportive I know your worried and have thought up a few things ever thought they may be wrong?, please dont push her into confrontation it will make it worse, people normally talk about themselves when they want to and not before that , good luck try not to worry.

If I might kindly suggest/point out something..... Seems like lots of you are talking about it or to her dh but nobody to her? Not sure that'd go down too well with me.
If she is bi/gay (and totally possible to come to it much later in life!) then she may feel that this discussion of her behind her back makes het feel very uncomfortable indeed. In my experience, better to sit down for a coffee and say 'enough already, let me in and help me be the best friend I can... This is what I think....am I totally wrong?'
Again, in my limited experience (had three people I know go through this, two fem one male), if it goes well they're glad for the release, if badly...then her dh is in for an epic shitstorm not of his own making.
Youre her friend - you're allowed to ask. (as long as u accept she's allowed to tell you to mind your own biz, should she be so minded.)
Stop talking about her. Go talk TO her. And very best of luck with it, you sound loyal.

Could she just be having a mid life whatever it is called?