Managing a difficult mother

[Swatchdog]

My relationship with my mother has always been strained, mostly due to her self obsessed behaviour and her lies/defamation (though I'm sure she'd blame me for our difficult relationship). Last year, after being pushed to my limits I sent her a No Contact letter and blocked all contact from her, even going so far as to send back a letter she sent me unopened. In December we started getting back in contact after she asked nicely to see me, and as a result we've started seeing/speaking but not on a regular basis (maybe every other month or so).

This weekend I found out she's been telling lies about me - about something really inconsequential - but making out that I treat her dreadfully and that she is always at the bottom of my priorities and I'm very cross about this. Whilst I don't see her often, she comes far further up my priority list than she should because I am always being very careful not to offend her (she takes offence at all manner of imagined slights).

Anyway, as I said I am cross, and I am sick and tired of ignoring and enabling this behaviour. Should I call her up on it? To complicate things slightly she is on holiday at the moment, and I know that if I email her about it now I will be accused of "ruining" her holiday, and if I leave it until she gets back I'll be "dredging up the past".

I feel like I'm back at square one, having spent this year in therapy dealing with this relationship, I just want her out of my life again. The problem with that is it didn't work and I just felt guilty.

Does anyone wiser than me know what to do?

Are you happier with her in your life, or happier with her out of it?

Reading your post I think you need to cut her out and work on the guilt feelings.

The horrible truth is, is that only we make ourselves feels these things, no one can make us do anything, but it is super hard and ten times worse when it is a relative especially a parent.

The bottom line is you ether enable her and let her carry on stressing you out and effecting your life, or you pull her on it and dont take her comebacks as either your fault or your responsibility. The other thing to do is say she is a grown woman with a responisibility to act like one, and she needs to learn the hard way so it seems how to keep her family engaging with her. As hard as it maybe you need to learn how to comparmentalise her so she doesnt invade your every thought and aspects of your life.

This will take some soul searching and discipline on your part, but it can be done otherwise she learns nothing and your life is wracked with guilt and unnecassary (sp) drama.

good luck

It sounds to me like you are giving her too much power, and too much attention

You are allowing her to make you feel crap, even when she's not in the same country as you!

we are allowed to dislike our parents, especially if they are not the parents we need them to be

I read somewhere about someone 'grieving'for the mother they had never had, then moving on. There's nothing wrong with that, it's self protection.

And she may have hit the spot when she says she thinks she is bottom of your list of priorities. someone who lies about their daughter, no matter how inconsequential doesn't deserve to be any higher IMO

If she's well-known as a liar or has other behavioural issues then no-one will take what she says seriously. Awkward mothers are a bit like awkward teens... difficult to cut them out of our lives just because they are horrible to us. Tell her off if she steps out of line but stay in as much contact as you feel comfortable with.