Calling out to the collective MN experience. Has anyone any profound gems of wisdom they could share with my brother (prison)?

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Hi, my DB is looking to be released from prison soon (his second stint of less than 12 months). He's not a teenager and is in for drug related offences. He had a hard childhood and a couple of relationship breakdowns and has several children to a few women.

I've struggled with the same issue myself many years ago and should just know what to say to him to try and tweak his conscience . I love this guy, he (was) funny, handsome, loving, kind and a great Dad but things are considerably different nowadays. I really do think he wants to do the right thing when he gets out but pretty much know he won't. I spoke to him earlier today briefly (1min) for the first time in two or three years and asked him what his plan was and he said he doesn't have one yet.

I believe his plan is to hook straight up with one of his girlfriends who has a serious habit and just take up where he left off. He doesn't even want to see his kids really, only when it strikes him as a good plan and he shows up with a mate and he drinks and smokes through the visit and talks about himself until the mothers just can it altogether.

Anyway I had to kick a habit and I had to have a plan and work really hard at it, but I made it work. I met plenty of people in the past who were just having too much fun in between the shit times to even care about stopping and thats where he is He must be in his early 40s.

Why am I even bothering you ask? Well when I was struggling I put my wonderful father through a lot of stress that had a negative impact on his health. While he's relatively healthy now, he's getting on and works too hard and drinks some to deal with his stress and is about two years away from retirement. My DB used to work with him in his industry before he got involved heavily with drugs and wound up getting sacked.

There is a plan for my DB to start working when he gets out and my DF has arranged several references from supervisors and bosses for DB. DF believes DB that he will stop using and start working and there are twice weekly scheduled drug tests (which are easy to get around) so he thinks it will all be good.

I know for a fact that the only way of cleaning up successfully is by avoiding all the people you know and all the places you go and all the things you do relating to drugs. I'm pretty sure this is not in his plan.

Basically I feel I owe it to DF to write some kind of letter to DB saying something meaningful and profound that not only hasn't been said before but something that might penetrate the lure of the lifestyle and the rush and bring him back for his family. Not to mention if he fucks up DF will look a complete fool and will probably break his heart and possibly kill him.

God, that's so long, sorry it's so rambly.

I think the idea of him cleaning up is highly unlikely but on the odd chance it may happen what is something nice and loving and unthreatening that I might include in my letter? Please. I want it to be relatively short and sweet but to pack some punch so to speak.

Thankyou so much MN,

But it is like you are taking responsibility for his habit if you do that surely? I seriously doubt it will help. I think people with serious drug addictions only clean up when they hit their rock bottom, some people don't have one and for others it isn't very low. If he has kids he has lost and he has been to prison he doesn't have much to lose left, just really his actual life and maybe his DF but I'm not convinced you can talk him into his rock bottom, only he can do it.

If you can offer practical help that would be better but if he doesn't want to do if he won't and you can't make him want to.

Yes Offred , you are probably right. DF getting DB work is a practical as we can get everyone else has small children and he is too wild to have staying at your house (all been done before) and will take off with his mates anyway.

I don't want to take responsibility for his habit, I just don't want to give up on him completely. I figure while he is sitting in jail straight right now is a good time to say something meaningful but I just can't keep it concise in my head IYSWIM.

Has he been detoxing in prison? Has he got an IDTS/CARATs (substance misuse teams for drug and psychosocial support) team in prison? He needs to want to do it but there are certain groups that should be out there which he can be refferred to to carry on with the support that he should have goty in prison.

5gomad , yes I suppose he would have been doing that and probably has good intentions that will all just go down the drain upon release. I'm trying to think of the things people have said to me in the past that have had the most impact but am drawing a blank.

so hard. I had a boyfriend who has a heroin addicted brother. He's never been to jail but constantly breaks in and steals anything they have, they are all on benefits anyway and had 5 kids in a 2 bedroom house. For a while the eldest had a gf living there and a child, I also lived there a while. The brother often stayed on the sofa and left needles everywhere. He is married with dcs now but he looks to me as though he is back using again think you have to be really strong to get clean and really motivated, not sure how anyone ever does it really but wanting to is important. It is maybe worth a try? Write about your experiences and how it affected your dad and how important it is for him to get clean maybe but I think he needs to be motivated by selfish reasons, I'm not sure people with serious drug addictions are capable of seeing other people or feeling for them enough to get off drugs. Maybe write how much you live him and don't want him to ruin his life and how it isn't too late.

Just mean they haven't got anything to steal btw.

The thing about addictions, as you know, is that ultimately they make you utterly selfish and the addiction is the only thing that matters. So even if you say things about his children, or your father, or anyone else, none of it is going to make any difference if his first thought is how to get a fix when he comes out. :(

Are there any conditions on his release? Is he being helped with any programme to keep him off drugs/clean?

I think possibly the kindest thing you can do is prepare your father for the possibility that your brother is going to go off the rails again, despite his help - and try to make him realise that it's really no one's fault if he does and he shouldn't feel bad.

Is there a similar body to AlAnon for Narcotics Anonymous? One for the families, not the users themselves - perhaps if there is you could go along to a meeting and see if anyone has any useful ideas? If there isn't, then maybe AlAnon would still have some ideas - alcohol can be just as damaging as drugs.

Of course, the safest thing would be to keep him away from the friends/girlfriends/acquaintance with whom he associates when doing drugs - but he has to understand that and agree to it for himself.

I'm sorry, I don't think I'm really helping :( - hope he can see this as his last chance to sort himself out for everyone's sake and do the right thing.

Offred , my DB seems to be on the other end of the food chain than your exes DB. He is apparently out all the time with lots of different girls (cooking and dealing ice) but the risks are probably bigger and the bad times are still fucked. He hasn't shown a great deal of empathy for others so I don't see why I should bother. Well, I do he's my brother and I love him and he was normal once. He has children that want a Dad , damn him.

Thankyou, I will say those things. I guess I'm looking for something that doesn't exist, the magic words.

I wouldn't blame him for being selfish, it is the drugs, they remove your empathy and compassion, make you totally self concerned I think. I agree with the supporting your dad, that's a very good post.

X's DB is the patsy. He's the one sat on the street begging for cash and getting eaten up so he can buy heroin for his friends... Yes slightly different end but if anything that should only give him better motivation to get off the drugs, harder for your DB if he is the "big I am" end.

Thumb very insightful post as always. My younger sister also said that would be the way to go.

Offred Yes, 'the Big I am', what can one say?

Thanks for the replies.

Are you in contact with anyone else who sees him atall OP?

Bump