Really can't see my marriage going anywhere

[hadtoNC]

Namechanged for this. I am sorry if this is a load of rambling nonsense but I need to get it off my chest.

I have 2 DCs from a previous relationship and 5 month old DTs. I have been married for 18 months.

I feel as if I am falling out of love with my husband. We have been together for 3 years and at first it everything was wonderful. I graduated from university not long after we got married. I found a job but was made redundant within weeks. We had always said we wanted to TTC as soon as we were married. My husband works abroad for 2 months at a time and earns more than enough to support us. We found out I was expecting twins and it was always a plan that I would be a SAHM until they went to school. My twins are wonderful, I always said that I would never have anymore children after my two previous daughters but they really have been a tonic.

I wish I could say the same about my DH. I am finding his attitude towards me deplorable. I am not expecting any medals for looking after the house and the children while he is away but he appears to have the attitude that my role is somehow beneath his because he is the one earning the money. I have to say that he is generous with his money, I have full access to his bank account and can take what I want, though I am quite a frugal person and prefer to just have enough to live on through the week and save a lot for things like holidays and new things for the house. He has often said 'I never get to see any of my money' and its beginning to grate on me. I wish he would understand that a lot of people 'never get to see their money' as it is eaten up by bills and general life. Although he does get to see his money, as he always has the latest PS3 games and 2 or 3 holidays a year which he enjoys.

He also seems to be obsessed with sex and my looks. I am often tired and I try to make the effort when he is back home so am not always up for sex but its all he goes on about, he cannot go for longer than an hour without going on about how little sex he gets. I have tried to explain to him that the more he goes on about it, the more it is offputting, but he never listens. He is also always going on about my looks. Now I had twins 5 months ago, I am no Cindy Crawford. I do like to do my hair and make up but he constantly goes on about me being fat and panics that I won't get back my size 6 figure and have a washboard stomach. I'm a size 10 for goodness sake. I think I look perfectly acceptable and I think I am still fairly attractive.

I am really trying not to drip feed here and am trying to get as many grumbles out as I can. He goes on about my past a lot. I was a young mum and a single parent for many years. Yes I made silly mistakes when I was young but my two beautiful daughters were not my mistakes. I made life hard for myself and I was immature. But I went out to work and I worked hard to get into university. It wasn't easy but I wanted to do it so as people wouldn't judge me like my husband appears to be doing. All he goes on about is 'single mothers on the social' and 'scummy mummys' and I know these are digs at me. I have said to him that if he thought so little of me then why did he marry me.

Sometimes I wish that I never met him, I wish I could turn back time. I don't want to go back to being on my own again with four children and struggling but I don't want to be with a man who sneers at me constantly. But then when I think about it, I am alone for 2 months at a time and I feel more happy and relaxed when he is not here and I can manage everything well. I am heartbroken that I feel that way. I married him for love and for life, I am so angry with myself that I let myself get into this situation.

If you are still reading, thank you and I apologise for such a long post.

Don't blame yourself for 'getting into this situation'. You both agreed to have children, but it sounds like he's not dealing well with the change in your mutual circumstances. You were a dynamic single mum with the motivation to train for, and seek a career. Now you are the mum of twins and at home.

It's quite telling that you say 'he is generous with his money'. As a SAHM of both your children it is not 'his' money; it is yours too. You are doing a job no-one else can do and you should not feel diminished by him or by yourself for doing it. Whether he is working outside the home and earning is irrelevant.

How dare he be 'panicking' that you're a bit heavier than you were, your babies are still small. I put more than half my bodyweight with DC2 and went from an 8-10 to a size 18!! I lost it all eventually (and kept it off) but it took a year. You are not a trophy. I don't blame you wishing he weren't around when he acts as he does.

He sounds like he isn't grown up enough to be a father and feels displaced, but there is no excuse. You know what is happening is wrong, you have to work out if it can be turned around or not. He sounds awful.

What a complete arsehole!

Sounds like you'd be better off alone.

He just sounds like a twunt. Does he have any saving graces? I have to say that his comments on your appearance ring big alarm bells for me - he is controlling. Also he obviously looks down on you and thinks he's better than you.

You need to have a serious chat with him about changing his attitude.

Thank you for the replies everyone.

I have to say that he is a great dad, very hands on (when home from work). He does everything for them and he does everything round the house when hes back. However, his way and my way are different. He changes everything around to suit himself and then complains when I do things my way when hes not here . Because he does so much when hes back, it leaves me little to do so basically I just let him get on with it. And then I get called lazy.

He has a very strained relationship with his own mother. She has been married several times and has children from each marriage. He hasn't seen her for some years and I've never met her. I sometimes wonder if this is where his contempt for me comes from, the fact she was a single mother at times.

I have had it out with him on a near enough monthly basis. Sometimes he backs down and is fine for a few weeks, though mostly he turns it round and makes it all my fault.

I'm so gutted about all this. I feel like a failure. The thought of having four children and failed relationships behind me makes me feel a fool. I was going somewhere and now I'm not. I said I was bored and wanted to do another degree from home to stop my brain rotting until the twins go to school. Apparently I will have to be 'good to him' so he will pay it. I often feel like a glorified prostitute.

Look that's just a load of shit. It's not a way to live. Don't let him brainwash you into thinking you're a failure. You have four children and I'm sure you're a good mum. What about the first degree, is there a possibility of you getting even part-time work from that?
And for his information, you're married now and you are entitled to have money to do another degree if you bloody well like.. sod him and being 'good to him'. Pick your course, then tell him you're paying it out of your joint account.

Yes there are obviously unresolved issues around his mother. Essentially, to put it in layman terms, he disrespects women and, at some level, sees them all as sluts.

You can't go on like this. It's ultimatum time. Plus he needs to see a shrink.

I want to say something that might get me totally flamed. I have been so naive. Mumsnet has really opened my eyes up to a lot of issues that I never gave much thought to before.

Anytime I have threatened to leave him he says its ok, he will 'fuck off to Thailand'. He used to go on holiday to Thailand (before we got together). And I am not stupid enough to think he was there for sightseeing and elephant rides.

I have just realised that I am married to a man who has no regard whatsoever for women and sees them as disposable pieces of rubbish. What the hell have I got into, what sort of person am I married to. I can't change a man like that, can I?

No... not looking good at all. I wouldn't stay. There's a hard road ahead but they guy has serious unresolved issues. If you stay, you'll just end up a shell. You won't change him, he needs to come to the realisation himself that he needs to change.

I'm not sure whether just to not talk to him for the next month and wait until he gets back. Or talk to him now. My head is a mess.

Well, he is very controlling if he is complaining about how you keep the house when he is not there, what does he expect FFS!

Definately mother issues.

You sound amazing by the way, single mum with 2 kids who put herself through university, and now has twins.

Maybe he is jealous.... Really!

I have no concrete advice (single mum of only one!) but no, I would not put up with a man who puts me down every time he is in the house (been there, done that).

He should be worshipping the ground you walk on really...

You said you feel happier and more relaxed when he is away - there is your answer.

And what a man-child to whinge about going to Thailand every time he doesn't get his own way, I would say, Go for it, honey, Good luck!

Thank you Sub, that was a lovely message.

I know deep down you are all right. I feel sorry that I brought another two children into the world and into what is probably going to be a broken family. I just wish he would go back to the way he used to be when we first met, he was lovely then. I feel as though I have no fight left inside me, I always assumed that sort of talk would come after 20 years, not 18 months.

Ah hadto, glad I gave you some comfort...

Please PLEASE never regret bringing two beautiful - 4 in all! - children into this world...

So sorry you are going through this..

Sounds like he is putting all his issues on to you, making you feel guilty. Please don't go there!

I just wish he would go back to the way he used to be when we first met, he was lovely then.

This sounds like some kind of abuse, get them in there, all charm and when they have you where they want you, then they let loose.

Please look at links to emotional abuse (Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is a good one).

Stop thinking YOU are the problem, - HE IS!!

Even threatening to leave you to go to Thailand is abusive, manipulative, and nasty when you have twin babies to care for (what is he doing for them by the way?). How is he with your other children?

You can do this - for you and your lovely babes!

Oh, and by the way, how people spout on about "broken homes" when there is only one parent....

It's a very old-fashioned point of view really....

Most of the single parent families I know are a lot happier than with two parents who are at each other's throats all the time, and an abusive parent in there....

And kids are definately better off in a non-abusive parental home, not exactly rocket science....

Wishing you all the best anyway!

Very well said sub??

OP, I'm sorry to say that all controlling self-centred men begin as lovely, often exceptionally so - otherwise none of us would bother with them. A disproportionate number seem to be 'great dads' too, I don't know how that works, but

Please don't feel bad about yourself for having a heart and falling in love.

There is no way you could know he would turn out to be so difficult at the start of the relationship, unless you were already quite experienced at spotting the likely troublemakers and/or very cynical ?and who is like that when they fall in love?

Live and learn, and live again.

When I say to him I am thinking about ending it he says 'doesn't bother me, I'll just go to Thailand'. I think he either doesn't mean it or doesn't believe that I will ever leave him so he just throws it out there.

He is good with my other children, he can be a bit strict but they honestly needed that as I was very very laid back with them, probably because I felt guilty about them not having a two parent family and to be honest they walked all over me. But now they are much more respectful of me and do little chores around the house. I can't understand why he tells my children they must show me respect yet he can't do the same thing.

He makes me feel guilty because he works overseas, but it was his choice to do that.

A PP mentioned jealousy. This has crossed my mind. I am not blowing my own trumpet here, I am quite an attractive woman and I am intelligent. I have went through a lot of shit in the past and survived to tell the tale. I think maybe he feels threatened by my emotional strength.

I don't get any support from my family and that suits me as we do not get along. But I just know they will love seeing my marriage go tits up. I will say he has been very good at supporting me while I have backed off from my own family, they are very controlling and suffocating. Actually could he actually have been doing a bit of controlling himself by being so vocal in all that?

Actually could he actually have been doing a bit of controlling himself by being so vocal in all that?

Yes.. trying to isolate you from everyone.
Your first step should be to move out. You can't keep saying you're thinking about ending it cos it becomes a 'Peter cries wolf' situation where he doesn't think you'd have the guts to do it. Just act instead.
That would show him you're serious and if he values your relationship at all, maybe then you could communicate properly about things.

Re Thailand, for me personally, I couldn't be with anyone who had been with prostitutes but everyone has their boundaries and that happens to be one of mine.

Oh tell him to cock off to Thailand, he sounds dreadful!

Thailand and hes also INSISTENT that he wants you as a size 6. Massive red flags waving here about what his tastes are.
Nobody treats a person they truly love like this. He is an abusive controlling bastard. Arsehole.

I would worry about what a man who thinks of women as "disposable pieces of rubbish" he gets up to on his 2 month trips abroad. It doesn't sound like he would have any qualms about shagging anyone he fancied.

Sorry...

Please arrange counselling, and then go.

Apparently, if a wife says 'I am unhappy' (as you have done) he can dismiss it. But if a wife says 'I am unhappy and I am going to counselling' AND THEN GOES, this apparently is the hugest thing to knock a man off his denial that anything is wrong.

He sounds jealous of the twins and the time they demand of you, and he sounds as though he misses that time you had. But there are nicer ways of saying it.

You sound like you have money, find a counsellor, tell him you are going because you need to work out your unhappiness, and go. Then invite him to go to. But whatever he does, go.

OneHand, I know for a fact that he gets up to nothing on his 2 month work trips, he works in Afghanistan and its all men he works with. Even if he did work with women I would trust him 100%, I know that sounds daft given all I've said about him.

Gosh I've just realised that my namechange is wrong again, I'm not sure how to chop and change back properly