Is this the right place to ask a sex question?

[Yogagirl17]

I hope so, don't know where else to put it, so here goes...

As I've already mentioned in another thread, the last time I was on MN was 8 months ago. I wanted to know what was wrong with my husband's "friendship" with another woman. I refused to listen to all the replies that he was most likely having an affair. That anyone could have an affair. I simply didn't want to hear it because YOU WERE ALL WRONG!

So...8 months later, I'm happily separated, the miserable, cheating SOB is living in a tiny flat all on his lonesome (no idea what happened to the OW) and I've got a very cute new boyfriend.

We've been emailing and talking for several weeks & we've been out for drinks and the chemistry has been brilliant. Maybe a little too brilliant as some of our emails got a bit...carried away. Anyway, last night we were alone together for the first time, really enjoying each other, things seemed to be off to a great start...and then he couldn't quite, well, manage it. Tried again later and the same thing.

I wasn't upset but he was a bit frustrated and embarrassed. We had a brief chat about it - wondered if maybe we'd built it up too much in advance or if he was worrying about a big interview he had today. I told him I still had a really wonderful evening (which I totally did!). And we had a nice chat today, I feel things are still on track.

Should i just leave it there and see what happens next time? I'm half tempted to send him an email reassuring what a good time I had but wonder if that will just make it worse. If it was a one-off in the midst of a longer relationship i wouldn't even worry about it, but because it was the first time I worried it will put him off.

So any suggestions?

Read a very similar story in a national newspaper yesterday; was that you?

Ha ha, no def not me but if you can remember what paper it was in I'd love to read it!

My DH has a confidence problem which is improving with time (4 years and a bit in though!). My DH responds to being allowed to be submissive and being touched so he doesn't feel the pressure of being proactive and we have progressed bit by bit through building on each good experience to give him confidence, when I have talked outright it has made it worse.

In these situations, don't overegg the cake by sending an email that you wouldn't normally have sent because less can very definitely lead to more - and hopefully, not more of the same but a more satisfactory outcome the next time you get up close and personal with your new squeeze.

Btw, it would seem that congratulations are in order and well done for coming back with the unsurprising news that 99.99% of the time this board gets it right.

It's most encouraging to learn that the SOB is languishing solo in tiny flat - it's kinda reassuring to know that there is a god whose mills don't always grind slow but always grind fine

Thanks izzy! So, the lessons are:

1. no more eggs in the cake
2. MNers are almost always right
3. god bless karma

That's about it, honey, and now on your knees and give thanks that karma has struck a considerably lot quicker than it usually does

Didn't the late great Mr Lennon write a song about 'instant karma'? And you've seen it in action so we of little faith can waggle our hands, shout Hallelujah, and pray that we see some too

That's ok, i can't sing either but I am definitely giving thanks (just hope next time I have a little more to be thankful for! )

From personal experience (current bf occasionally has this problem!) I'd say that it happens when there has been so much build up before taking the plunge(talking about it, texting/emailing about it and/or a long wait between).

For my sins, I slept with current bf on the first date (we got drunk and carried away but it was bloody marvellous) and then decided if it was going to go anywhere, we should date and get to know one another before it happened again. So we didn't sleep together again for a couple of months (a LONG couple of months) and then when we tried, he had this problem.

TMI ALERT I knew that he didn't have erectile problems because of the first time (where we did it 4 or 5 times )and also he was managing to get, just not stay hard on the next couple of times. He was getting very frustrated and embarrassed and so I simply played it down. In my experience, the best thing to do is not to make a big deal out of it. I simply said that I knew there was a lot of pressure because we'd now waited a while and that we had plenty of time to practice and get it right - practice maked perfect, right?

Almost a year on and this still happens occasionally (usually if we haven't seen each other for a while and there has been a lot of build up) but now he manages to stay calm(er) because I try to be as reassuring as I can and try very hard not to seem disappointed (of course it can be frustrating, but sulking or showing disappointment only makes it worse for him)!

My point is, I'm sure it will be fine. Ask him gently if he's had any of these sorts of problems before and if so, what works for him when it does? Send him a short but casual and reassuring text or email saying something like 'can't wait for next time, practice makes perfect and I can't wait to practice with you - a lot'.

I hope it all works out!

My STBXH (who would never ever cheat on me, oh no you are all wrong, he would never do that to me in a million years,....oh wait everybody, you are all right after all......) I am extremely heartened by your story of your X now being in a bedsit. I hope to see my X in one soon.........sorry got side tracked .....

My STBXH suffered from this problem every time, the first time he had sex with a new partner, due to nerves mainly.. He was experienced, learnt a lot from his longterm girlfriend, but hadnt slept with many women. He didnt have that problem with me though, first time it wasnt a problem...... Im the only woman he was able to get it up for first time anyway, I hope it now never works again for him........

sorry, where was I?... oh yes, nerves.... I think maybe the build up was great, but when it came to, the expection he was feeling might be on him, was too much. Just have a relaxing night in with him and let nature take its course. When he is feeling totally relaxed with no pressure to perform, it will happen.

I agree with other posters. I wouldn't worry about it too much or make too much fuss. Sounds like he's probably nervous. If you just show him you're enjoying yourself anyway and don't draw too much attention to this then things will probably sort themselves out.

My DH and I had exactly the same issues. I think he felt there was some pressure to perform. Eventually it all clicked into place.

OP . It was the Sun on Sunday!

Skyeblue - I'm totally with you! With any luck, not only will it not work for him again but the woman he is with will just laugh her f**ing head off!

And thanks for all the advice. I'm sure you're right that it was just nerves because we'd built it up so much. And I was definitely enjoying myself anyway so no problem there.

I hope it falls off (my x not your man lol)

Keep us posted, I hope he performs well when more relaxed

LOL! I hope my X's falls off too - maybe they can form a support group!