Found out DH was unfaithful when we were dating

[abitnumb]

Over 10 years ago, when DH and I were going out, but not living together, I went away for the weekend. On the way back I called him and suspected from his tone that he had been with someone else. When I got back he told me he had snogged someone, and some "fumbling" but he said he had not had sex with her.

We split up briefly over it, I was very angry and upset and he had to work hard to make it up to me, which he did. We got married and now have DCs.

Anyway, over the years I guess I realised it was unlikely he had only "fumbled" and thought to myself that he had probably had sex with this woman. And then we were both a bit drunk at the weekend, and I (stupidly) asked him.

It turns out he had sex with her that weekend, AND the previous weekend. After the second time, he spoke to a friend and then decided to tell me. He said that he realised he didn't want to lose me. We have discussed and he knows he has a lot to do to make it up to me, and that I expect him to find the ways to do that (ie I'm not going to tell him what to do).

I now feel a bit numb. I had always felt OKish about it because 1. he told me and 2. I knew anyway from the way he was on the phone. But now I feel that my radar was off, as I had NO idea about the first weekend, and also that he only told me after the second time, and that was only because his friend said he should.

Have NC for this. Does anyone have any words of wisdom - please be gentle!

Meh, it was ten years ago and if everything has been fine since, no suspicion etc i would just leave it in the past rather than picking at the scab.

agree with lubey.

He made it up to you ten years ago. Don't make a big deal about it. Fumbling, sex....it's pretty much te same thing. It was in the past. Let it go.

It's still going to hurt even if it was 10 years ago. He didn't tell you the whole truth at the time and yes, I think he does have to make up for that now. No words of wisdom though sorry, just that I think you are justified in being angry with him.

Thank you so much for your replies - I feel a bit better now as it was going round and round my head and I haven't spoken to anyone in RL. I think it's just going to take me a little while to process it.

10 years ago, honey?

Nothing has been lost and you have everything to gain from putting this sad old corpse of his long ago indiscretion to rest.

It's dead and gone. Bury it and live for today and all of your tomorrows

Do you still trust him now is more important?

Agree with other posters. This was so so long ago. It doesn't mean it doesn't matter, but you've had enough good stuff since to know that if he was inclined to do anything like that again, if he was a shagger by nature, he would have done it by now.

Quite a few people have an indiscretion after they've met 'the one', but before they've married/settled down. See it as a last fling he had, in a different life, and enjoy the life and family you've got now.

'The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there'.

Your dh did something that made him realise how much he adored you. Take that aspect of the past into your present and into your future, and leave the rest to rest in peace.

Thank you Izzy and everyone else - sometimes strangers on the internet can make things better!

The power of positive thinking makes everything better all of the time

I agree with everyone else. I can understand you are hurt and bloody furious with him, but it really is water under the bridge, and it would be madness to let something like this wreck the last ten years.

You punished him at the time, you split up over it then, so it wasnt a complete shock this weekend.

Dont let it be a stick to beat him with now in any future argument, that would be unfair.

It's ok to feel hurt and betrayed by this. It's a normal reaction. However, unless you have any reason to doubt your DH's fidelity to you now, it really isn't indicative of his fidelity to you since marriage.

IF your DH is still making you feel insecure or suspicious, then this is much more significant and a whole other thread. But taking your OP at face value and believing that, following the affair, your DH realised how much he loved you and has been making it up to you ever since, the next thing is to find a way past this. It would be daft to break up a happy, loving, faithful relationship for something that happened over a decade ago before you were married.

He has to respect you enough to give you some time to absorb this information without expecting you to just 'get over it' and you need to find a way to deal with it. It sounds to me as though you're finding the loss of faith in your own judgement harder to deal with than any thought that your DH may have cared for someone other than you. Again, that's perfectly normal and natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you just need to take the time and space to work through it.

Don't forget you were younger then, less experienced in life and human behaviour, and, most crucially, you weren't living together so didn't know each other anywhere near as well as you do now. It's not surprising you weren't able to spot what had really happened - some married women don't until confronted with an OW! You are not stupid, nor naive, and the only person at fault here is your DH.

However, it's not necessarily the fase that he's an unfaithful bastard. It's quite possible you are both wonderful people, ideal for each other, but one of you made a mistake 10 years ago. It might have been better if he'd told you then, as he's bound to have made his peace with this while you're only just beginning that process, but then again, it's possible you'd have left him and never had the life you have. You can't change any of it. All you can do is deal with what you have now and go from there.

Don't use this new information as a stick to beat him with as it will be counterproductive for both of you. However, don't let him brush it under the carpet either. If he loves you he will accept that you are still at the beginning of the process he started 10 years ago and he will give you the time and support you need while accepting that he brought this on himself.

Hope you work through it.