Divorce really sucks for kids, what is the tipping point in terms of the parent's relationship that means divorce is the better option?

[SoSoMamanBebe]

It's a MN mantra that it's better for parents to divorce rather than stay together for the children. Are there any studies which bear this out?

For me the tipping point would be any sort of abuse, but not if they are just unfulfilled by their relationship. How do you others measure it?

I think lots of people stay for children. Especially men. And maybe men are better at plodding along.
I guess if you're good co parents and get on ok and you're child loved you both then maybe you should stay for the foreseeable
I find it very hard to work out, because if you don't fundamentally love the other person how can it work.
But I think it probably can. If it's Just like living with a friend.
As lots of people said., what one person can take another can't

I think in terms of studies they generally focus on children of divorced parents because few people would be honest enough to say they were raising their children in an unhappy home, let alone partake in a study!

I think it's about role modelling.

My parents divorced when I was in my 20s, and until that point I honestly thought that things like talking to each other with contempt, bickering, general lack of respect and raging insecurity between partners was normal, so I put up with all of those things in my early relationship.

When my parents split up and I realised their relationship wasn't normal, all of my ones since have been much healthier.

I remember the day my Dad told me he was leaving. I was about 11 and it was one of the happiest days of my life. My parents hated each other and life at home was miserable. I cannot even begin to describe the long lasting damage done to children raised in unhappy home and I am always want to scream NO NO NO to posters who talk about staying in failed relationships "for the sake of the children".

ZOMBIE THREAD FFS

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh
I've never written on a zombie before
Fuck they catch you out

Ah well - I don't mind. The issues are still relevant, and as someone going through separation at present am glad this thread came to my attention now

My tipping point was that I didn't want my young son growing up thinking mine and his dad's relationship was normal.
People think it's crazy that my son was the reason for calling time.
EH had an affair when our son was six months old we stayed together but it was never going to work, I knew I had to find the strength to finish it.... as each year went by it put pressure on me and I kept thinking the longer I leave it the more damage it would do to my son as he would be more aware of what was going on.
Also my feelings for husband were completely dead and dreaded him coming home from work, we were distant and unafectionate with each other. Also I felt like my spirit was dying, I was feeling less human as each day passed.
That wasn't how I wanted my son to live or see his mother.
After the turmoil settled and ex moved out our home is much more relaxed and peaceful, I don't have any regrets.

Staying together for the sake of kids is being a fake and your kids won't thank you in the long run. They see, hear and pick up on more than you realise. I wish my parents had split up and moved on to have happy relationships, I feel guilty that my mother has never had a loving man in her life since the 1970s. It's very very sad, I found out last week my father had visited a prostitute, he wasn't a bad father just that they weren't happy

It might be a fake (from one side) but that doesn't make it bad for the kids.
Dh and I get on better than any other couple I know, in public and in private. There is absolutely nothing for the kids to pick up on.
In an ideal world I would be leaving but I just can't do it. It would destroy dh and mess up the kids. Dh is loving - I just don't love him and haven't for ten years. The only person who knows this is me. I guess deep down dh might know (no sex would seem a bit of a giveaway) but he has chosen to ignore it so far.

undercover agent I hear what your saying in that you get on, so I take it you and your husband cuddle on the sofa, are affectionate, laugh and appear a loving couple in front of your kids? It you do then that's great but bear in mind if your not happy or in love with your husband then you are denying him the chance of happiness too and at some point you are going to have to call it a day. I think it's very noble in staying together for kids sake and I know it's really hard. Good luck

My ex turned out to be gay and was cheating on me with a number of different men. Should I have stayed? No, of course not. Our children have lives, but I have a life too. How you handle it is important. I'm happy with my new partner. The kids have happy parents in healthy relationships. That's far better than all of us trying to live miserably under the same roof.

I think the tipping point is when the relationship has become so acrimonious with parents creating such a poisonous atmosphere that the children feel that they are responsible for keeping the peace or are forced to take sides. Then it's not so much that divorce is the better option but that it's likely to be the lesser of two evils. I'm sure some children would like their parents to stay together regardless, of course.

I agree with this to a point - the point being I don't think the children need to feel responsible or take sides - a poisonous atmosphere is enough.

First of all the parents relationship is what your children will take as the norm - they will move up or down from that in their own relationships (how often, including this thread, do you read MNers saying they grew up as the child of an abusive or bad marriage and married someone similar?). I was thinking recently how much I expect in a relationship - and always did. And my sister, who is about as opposite from me in every way is the same I value myself fairly highly. So does she. That comes directly from my mum and dad and seeing them do the same.

My friend stayed together for the children. Divorced when they got older. Her son says their home was horrible and he has only unhappy memories of it, he hates his father. It was a toxic environment.

My tipping point was that I didn't want my young son growing up thinking mine and his dad's relationship was normal.

I think this is a really really excellent reason for leaving.

I know this is a zombie thread but I'm posting anyway. I just wanted to add that I don't think staying in a dead but amiable marriage until the kids leave home is a great idea either. This has happened to to of my friends when they were young adults no longer living at home. They were both blindsided by it and found it incredibly difficult to deal with. One of them told me that it felt like he had had his whole childhood rewritten, and he felt terrible knowing that what he thought were happy times weren't really happy for his parents. He felt it would have been much easier to adjust to the new normal if it had happened when he was still at home.

It hurts when relationship break and kids are involved. However sometimes divorce/separation are the least damaging path. Like someone said above: the breaking point in marriages/partnership is very much individual.
As long as none of the parents try to alienate the children from the other - it is fine. If in addition each of the parents try to build his life and be content with it then it is a bonus. Another thing that each parent (married or not) must remember: once you made up your mind about your relationship (working on it- breaking it whatever) stop regretting it. The kids must not live the regrets and failures of their parents.

@tequila He is affectionate to me. I never instigate affection and will generally laugh it off when he does. We have a lot of fun and games like a good brother/sister relationship. I don't think the kids have any inkling that we are less loving than it appears on the surface.
But I do take your point that dh deserves the choice - but in order to give him that choice I have to hurt him horribly. At the moment he probably has his head in the sand a bit as I have blamed medical issues for my lack of interest in sex (even though my libido is actually sky high ).

@Cheese I'm not sure my children would think they'd been deceived. I have many things in my life which make me happy. I am overall happy. I think dh would say the same - maybe a bit less happy than me but for non-relationship reasons. I'm fairly sure we'd be amicable in divorce though. Some of my children have already left home too.

Undercover
I do see where your coming from maybe it's still at the early days of the breakdown of the relationship. It took me 5 years after his affair to call it a day cos it took that long for all my feelings for him to go.
A marriage takes a while to breakdown and sex is usually the first thing to go (weirdly this wasn't for me- we had an unhealthy love hate thing going on for a while maybe we were kidding ourselves that if we were doing it we were ok) I hope whatever you decide it's as amicable as possible x