Being yourself in a relationship

[ElephantsStreetParty]

A very good friend of mine was told recently that he?d never have another relationship as he?s been on his own for too long and is very set in his ways. When he was telling me this he was pointing out how he loves being on his own in his bed, being able to fart and stretch out at will, and hates having to talk in the morning (or any time of day) and prefers to be a grumpy old man.

Now in the past I?ve got peeved when I been with him in company, as he?ll generally be much more talkative and responsive when there are other people around then when it?s just the two of us. But after this conversation I?ve realised that actually I should be rather touched that he?s so comfortable in my company that he can be himself and doesn?t feel the need to talk. Which got me thinking, isn?t this how it should be in a relationship, that you?re with someone you can be yourself with, rather than thinking you have to mould yourself to them and be continually out of your comfort zone? Or have I got the wrong end of the stick (which would explain why I?ve been single for so long, though it doesn?t necessarily help my friend).

The dign of a true relationship is one where you can just be yourself. That's the whole point. You find someone who you can completely be yourself with, who, in a way, is almost like an extension of yourself.

I like my own company, and need alone time if I've been in crowds or socialising all day, but that alone time doesn't mean I need to be apart form my DP, him being around doesn't count as someone else. Because I can completely be myself with him around. And he can be with me.

If you and a partner both find that you have lots in common, and you want to have a long-term relationship then each person adapts a little to accomodate the other.

So yes, you should be able to be yourself without having to change a great deal.

Yes, it should but I don't think you can be like that straight away! You have to be likeable before you are loveable so you do have to kurb selfish and annoying behaviour a bit. My DH is a grumpy old man who likes total silence, I was well warned but in the beginning he was not so bad because he wanted to please me and was excited we were together!

He told me constantly "I'm really grumpy normally you know" fortunately laughing at and teasing him about his grumps brings him out of them with a giggle.

Depends on whether both feel able to be themselves. Otherwise all you've got is one inconsiderate partner and a doormat.

Also depends on what sort of relationship you want. Some people have much happier relationships when the level of intimacy is one step removed and there is still an element of wanting to make a good impression. They might not live together in order to maintain this alongside their own sense of self. That's just as valid a relationship choice if both partners are happy with the arrangement.

Then there's also those who are themselves every step of the way so that there is no difference between their public and private face.

Interesting opinions, thanks. And sorry if it seemed a really stupid question. I think I just feel sad that he'd avoid a relationship to avoid having to keep his public face on 24/7, and it makes me wonder what his past relationships have been like.

What overmydeadbody said! That's exactly how it should be, I think. Doesn't mean you have to be really similar to your partner, just that you are completely yourselves when you are together, so that spending time with each other is as easy as being on your own (but more fun!)

I agree with dahlen actually, not everybody functions in the same way in relationships however the OP's friend is clearly unhappy about keeping his non-grumpy face on so it is not likely he'd be happy in that kind of relationship.

I spent 5 years in a marriage where I tried to be what my ex wanted me to be. He hated anything about my past and hated me having a laugh with my friends.

When we split up I vowed I would never do that again as I was so incredibly miserable. I am completely myself with DH and he is with me. I don't think a relationship can work for a long time if you are not yourself TBH.

I however agree to an extent with Dahlen as its about keeping a certain level of intimacy as well. I can't see how me farting in bed next to DH would make me feel anymore myself TBH and I like that we have some boundaries ie privacy in the bathroom etc but when it comes to my personality I am always myself with him if that makes sense.

Just asked dh who sharply relied no

Apparently he doesn't watch what he wants on tv and doesn't get enough time to read his books (he gets through 3 a week)

Considering he's spent the last few weeks watching nothing but the Tour De France, tennis, golf or history documentaries is it any wonder I feel abit .

Have I told him? No because I can't be bothered with the fall out.

Tonight I cannot be myself but I thought I could

Depends a bit who your 'self' is. OK, it's awful to have to pretend to be someone or something you're not just to keep the peace at home but if 'being yourself' means being lazy, selfish and rude then that's not so good; you should treat people with basic courtesy even if you have been living with them for decades.

I agree with solidgoldbrass. 'Take me as you find me' is a little like the 'I speak as I find' defence. Fine to be straight-talking but it doesn't excuse being deliberately offensive. If being yourself and indulging all your worst traits means you make no effort to consider the other person in the relationship then you might as well be on your own.

I really like my space. Most of the time that doesn't exclude DH but we had lots of long talks before we lived together and during the year we rented a small house together before buying.

We chose our house because there was an office too small to ever be a bedroom an it will be his forever (he gave up his office when DSS2 was born and his ex refused to move house). He needs to go to his cave and be grouchy at least once a day. I need rare but extended periods alone (I spent 14 days in Turkey last Sept and will do something similar when bump is 2yrs old).

We are very compatible like this but struggled when DHs computer was in the living room. Being ourselves requires a few bits of enforced space.

DH is definitely himself with me - he's far more civilised outside of the home!

I am just as much myself with him, to be fair - and he puts up with it, which is great. :)

However, we lived together as co-lodgers before we ever got together - and when you do that, you don't tend to put on as much of a front as you would with a new boy/girlfriend, I found. And we still liked each other!

I absolutely agree that you should be considerate, that should go without saying if you care about someone. I think you should always be able to be yourself personality-wise - that is entirely different.