Has anyone got back with DP after counselling?

[DrapedBust]

DP and I are in process of separating. He moved out a few weeks ago but wants to try again. We're going to Relate but just seem to be going in circles with the issues that we have. Also I am getting very anxious about whether DP really wants to come back and try properly - he says he will need a few months to sort out his head before he can commit to family life (he left partly because he doesn't enjoy the children).

I think I'd feel better if we made a clean break, but also want to make it work with him because we do have a lovely little family.

Has anyone successfully gone to Relate and repaired their marriage?

I'm not really sure why I'm feeling so anxious - was fine when we were really going to separate. Maybe anger was carrying me through!

Not been to relate, but nearly split and mainly due to having a young family. I read books instead to learn how to solve disagreements better and avoid blame. That has helped to stop going round in circles.
The way I see it any future relationship will have the same problems if I don't learn how to work through problems.

Yep, we play the blame game and that's harmed our relationship.

I think part of my anxiety is that I don't know how I'd cope if this happened again a few years down the line... Maybe if we had a strategy for working through problems that wouldn't be such an issue.

My sister and her DH of 18 years had actually separated for about 6 months and she was ready to divorce him. They went to counselling (separately and together) and they got back together, about 18 months ago. Not Relate, they are not in UK. I don't think they are as happy as they once were, but contented enough, although I would not be surprised if she moves back to the UK when their DC are grown up.

You are probably feeling anxious because what you want and what will make you happy is separating and you have said as much!

I'm finding the concept of getting back together really difficult - how do you resolve or ignore all the horrible things that have been said (both ways).

I think I could be contented too, but do feel like I'd be biding my time until DC grew up. But maybe that's what lots of couples do anyway.

Good to hear people do resolve things - 18 years is a lifetime together!

Offred- I think you might be right there. I had my single life mapped out when we first parted, now it feels like it's all up in the air.

I just feel like I owe it to the children to try as hard as I can to keep the marriage going. Arghh it's so difficult!

I know people say it often but it really, really is not better to stay together "for the children", children will be cross at you whatever you do but if you stay together you will probably still fight and that will not be better as an environment. You'll also teach them relationships are about staying together for the kids even if it makes you unhappy. If you want to split it is unlikely you will be happy together, you might end up stuck because you want to give the kids stability and then you will be bitter and resentful.

I think that's why I'm so anxious about it all. I don't want to spend the next 15 years in an unhappy relationship, and when the children have left, look back and think I wasted 15 years of my life.

Thanks- it helps to talk it out. I can't really confide in anyone in RL as my family's view is that you do stay together for the children.

You are under a lot of pressure then!

If you, as an independent person, want to give it a try and fix it then I'd say it is worth working on it but if your feelings have changed and you no longer want to be with him and would not be with him without the children I'm sure ultimately things will be better in the long run if you split even if the split itself is difficult.

A question my DP kept asking was "would we be together if it wasn't for the children?" I found it a pointless question as in truth if we'd stayed together for 8 years with no marriage and no children then, yes, I would split.
However...
If we met now and didn't have children would we end up together?
Yes!
That's what made me realise it was worth trying as I don't want someone else, I just want us to be better. If we split and I met someone else I think the same thing would happen 7/8 years down the line. It's a classic 7 year itch!
What makes you happy as an individual? You can still do that if you stay together.