Friend regrets her abortion

[HowDoIHelpHer]

I hope relationships is the right place to post this. I am looking for some advice on how to help a friend. Obviously, I have name changed - just because some people on here know me in RL and I don't want them to guess who it is.

About four years ago, a close friend had an abortion. I am incredibly pro-choice in the abstract, but in practice I found being supportive a real challenge. I was pregnant at the time with DC2 (so very hormonal about the whole thing) and I struggled with her reasons - basically the main reason seemed to be that she and her DP were not married and, because of their very religious families, would need a quickie wedding if she continued with the pregnancy, but she wanted to wait a couple of years and have the big white fairytale. There were also issues about how they hadn't been together as long as she would have liked and it not being the right time for her job, but that seemed to be the main one. I did talk to her about other options, but I hope in the main I simply supported the decisions she came to for herself. I really tried hard to cover my personal feelings, and I hope she didn't pick up on them.

Fast forward to now. She and her now DH are having real problems conceiving. She knew that there was a risk this would happen because of some underlying medical issues (which I think is part of the reason they weren't as careful as they should have been initially), both are getting older too. They seem to have totally stopped having sex and also appear to have real communications issues.

I really don't know how to best support my friend through all of this. She keeps asking why she made the decision to have the abortion when she could 'have it all' now. I have said all the normal things like 'you made the right decision for you at that time, none of us can see the future' and have suggested counselling for them as a couple or individually, but when she cries on my over the umpteenth coffee I really wonder if there is something else I can do or say. Are there any services I can suggest to her, or words of wisdom from people who have been there? Help, I feel totally out of my depth but I do so want to be a good friend.

She needs to have proper counselling - it's not fair for her to be doing this to you.

Sounds awfully sad but she made the choices she did for the reasons she did at the time - and at the time they seemed to be the best choices/reasons! While I fully understand her regrets now, she cannot change the past, nor can she continue living in it - so she has to learn to come to terms with her current reality and how to deal with the prospect that this may not involve natural children.

www.careconfidential.com/ is one counselling service that can provide help with coming to terms with having had an abortion - you might be able to offer her that link, or phone number and she could get some professional help.

Thank you for that link. I am so pleased someone else also feels she needs professional help with this. I think I'm going to focus on encouraging her with that, rather than stressing that I don't seem to be able to help.

I think one of the roles of a good friend is to call time on wallowing, point them towards someone who can potentially help (doctor, therapist, etc) and say you can't be any more help. Otherwise, you'll just get dragged into her misery and that's really not fair.

You sound like a kind friend. I think it is really hard to put ones own feelings and opinions to one side when supporting friends, but it sounds like that is exactly what you have done.

I agree that she could really gain from counselling, but please don't feel useless cos you're not. Being available and listening (again and again and again ... ) is one of the most precious gifts a friend can give!

Sometimes as a friend, you just have to know your limits. I had a similar issue with a friend over abortion, and in the end, although I could offer a sympathetic ear, I couldn't offer the support and reassurance she craved, as I didn't think she was doing the right thing. Luckily for her, she did get pregnant again easily, which is good, as trauma over the abortion had already absorbed about a year, and I think it would have gone on and on if not.

I wonder if your friend is picking up on your ambivalence/disapproval (which is really hard not to show) and this is making her feel worse. She definitely needs to talk with someone who is not involved/dispassionate about it, she could start with the GP and go from there.

Thanks all. You have made me feel better - I will keep listening, but give myself a break on not being able to 'help' more.

mumsyblouse - her picking up on my feelings is something I am frightened of, and you are right, she might well be. It is so hard. I had a friend who got pregnant at school and had an abortion and it was so much easier to be supportive because there was lots I could say on a very objective level alongside the emotional stuff- her bf at the time wasn't a nice man, she'd have been tied to him forever, it would have been very difficult to train for her chosen career on her own with a small child etc, etc. With this situation, I feel all I can really say is that it wasn't the right time for them. Which sounds a bit hollow when she's now saying that the timing means nothing. And when she says 'I did the right thing didn't I' and things along those lines, I flounder a bit.

I know this sounds really unsympathetic, but if her relationship with her H has already broken down to the extent where they're trying for a baby but no longer having sex and have 'real communication issues', it may be a blessing in disguise. My advice would be to put off the idea of having a baby and concentrate on improving her relationship first. Stress has quite a significant role in some forms of infertility.

I don't mean that to sound so harsh and unfeeling but my fear would be that if she continues like this, she may well end up with a baby, but minus a DH. Would she be able to cope as a single mother? It's very far from the set of ideal circumstances on which she based her original decision to have an abortion.

I know Dahlen I know. She is panicking about her age too - so I think she is starting to imagine that being a single mum might be better than nothing... It is all an almighty mess.