If you are a SAHM (or Dad!) are you more 'entitled' to a holiday sans kids than your working partner?

[ICouldBeYou]

Just curious to see responses...

For example, if your spouse/partner works away (offshore/on the road/etc) and you are full time carer of the child/children. And look after the house/chores.

This is definitely not a SAHM v WOHM thread, by the way!

Start with 'equality' and then work out. My DB works 2+ weeks away from home at a stretch and then has a week back home. When he's home he picks up all the care duties for his DS and lets SIL do her own thing. She doesn't go on holiday by herself I don't think - they're happily married - just gets out and about with friends etc while he takes care of DN.

We worked out that DH was travelling for work for 250 days last financial year. He does work incredibly hard (80-90 hr weeks) so when he's back he takes a while to get over jetlag/ sleep deprivation/ reconnect with DS who's not quite two. So I wouldn't expect a proper break maybe a couple of hours/ the chance to shower in peace.

It's lovely just to spend time together as a family.

Do you mean a few days away to relax, or just one day or a few hours?

I think both parents would like a break now and again and they are both equally deserving. Being away on work is not the same as being on holiday. How about booking a babysitter (friends or relatives) and going away together?

Fairenuff, that would be my solution - a holiday together, perhaps with more time (at home and away) to eat/shower/pee without children present .

I am just not sure about having a week/fortnight away with friends just because you a) earn all of the money or b) look after the children

I know it works for some people, but it doesn't sit right with me.

It is hard enough to get a holiday as a family I have never considered a holiday by myself.

She doesn't go on holiday by herself I don't think - they're happily married

That's a pretty loaded statement Corgito!!

2 weeks after dd was born, DP went to Amsterdam on his own for the weekend and he has been 3 times since then on his own. DP was working and I was on Mat leave the first time, the 3 subsequent times DP was SAHP and I work full time.

I have been away on my own once since being back at work and pretty much whenever I go away (visiting family etc) I always take dd. She's 2 now.

We make sure we go on a family holiday for example, went to caravan in Stratford on Avon last year and this year caravan in Wales.

At the weekend, at a family party - DP took dd home early and I stayed out til gone 2am. I would do the same for DP.

I think it's important for people to have their own time away from family, but in equal amounts really and to do things as a full family as often as possible.

It doesn't matter to me who works or who stays home, because in our house even though I work FT I do all the shopping, ironing, bathroom cleaning, bed changing and organise bills etc. DP cares for dd, does washing and keeps things tidy.

Hmm... See I don't think people need equal amounts of time, I think different people will need different things so it is about balancing those needs, some will need a regular night out, some a weekend holiday etc some don't really need anything. DH and I both need a night out, him once every couple of weeks me about once a month. We'd probably both like more but it isn't practical right now! We don't have equality, he has always had more child free time but it comes down to satisfying needs and his free time doesn't impinge on me. Since I've known him I've been to stay with my sister to go to a conference once, he used to work away two days per week and has been on two weekends away. I used to be a single mum though and quite like the time just me and the kids. I do think a week or two away could not be described as a need and I wouldn't be compatible with someone who wanted to waltz off for a week or two but if that works for you then that works. I don't think me or DH would really like the reality of being away from each other or the kids for a week though.

And actually objectively I don't believe anyone is "entitled" to a holiday sans kids when they have them. You might want one, you may possibly feel you need one but you are not entitled to one I think.

@iknowwho.... does seem rather loaded but I meant that, because they get along well and he works away, when they get time together they'd rather spend it together as family rather than SIL jetting off on a holiday 'sans kids' just to make a point.

I've met several couples that can only seem to tolerate each other when they're working/living in different locations, however. :)

Does this sort of suggest that when the away partner is away working (s)he is on a holiday though? My DH is away a lot and I do have a tendency to slope off for the odd afternoon when he gets back as my batteries absolutely need recharging and I tell him that it is a treat to spend time with the children ;) I think to suggest I deserve a holiday because he has been away would be quite insulting to the hard work he does (even if he does so in a lovely business class fancy hotel kind of a way!)

Having said all of the above I actually treasure the time DD and I spend together (without DP) because I spend a lot of time out the house and during the week I get home at 6pm and dd is in bed at 8pm, so only really get 10 hours with her during the week.

Weekends are generally for all three of us to do something nice, and the very odd occasion one of us gets to go out/away.

I don't think any parent is "entitled" to a haoliday without dc, tbh, and I'd have thought that doubly so if one partner works away a lot, as I'd have thought the time when they weren't away would be a time when they'd want to spend time with their spouse, as well as with their dc.
If there is a particular occasion when one wants to scoot off for a weekend, for a particular reason, that's different, but I think it's strange to expect to go off on holiday without the dc, whether you are a SAHP, a working away from home parent, or a WOTH but coming home each evening parent.

It's not about entitlement though, it's about what works for people.

If everyone involved is happy then who are we to judge.

I get disapproving looks when I announce that I'm going out, christ I got them when I recently started going to the gym - and that was after dd was in bed.

The main thing is that the people who live in my house are happy, so I'd flick the bird to anyone who interfered

I get you now Corgito!

I love my DH to bits but I go away several times a year without. Sometimes I take the kids but sometimes I go by myself.
The reason is I get 36 days + BH's +T.O.I.L + 4 days unpaid leave and I can only take 3 weeks leave in the school holidays.

Anyway DH wouldn't be interested on going on a women only bootcamp or skiing.

Faceforradio - the op was asking about who felt more entitled.

sorry, I meant it shouldn't be about entitlement.

I did read the OP btw