Upset over sister not asking me to be bridesmaid

[Monisey]

Hi, hoping I can get some advice on this.

I am the eldest of four sisters. When the sister next to me was born, she had heart problems and spent a lot of time in hospital. Between operations and hospital stays, we didn't start living together properly until she was about 2. I was 3 and a half. Up till then my grandparents and aunt helped my mam and dad by looking after me while they dealt with my sisters issues. I have no problems with this, I don't remember them not being there and I realise that that is just the way it was, it couldn't be helped. My sister is fine now, no issues wih her health. I'm only giving this info so not to drip feed.

Due to her health problems, I believe she was mollycoddled and is not the favourite as such, but no one wants to upset her. She has caused me a lot of hurt over the years, now we are civil but we don't have the same relationship as I do with my other sisters.

When I met my dh and we decided to get married, she caused problems between us. Things such as talking about him behind his back, giving him sly little digs, giving out about him to family members. When we were planning the wedding, I wanted her to be bridesmaid as she was my sister and I wouldn't leave her out. I also got pressure from my parents to have her. Dh did not want her there as bridesmaid.

Sorry this is so long.

She has recently got engaged and has asked me to be a witness, as in sign the register. She has asked my other sisters to be bridesmaids. She wasn't even going to ask me to be a witness, but she wanted my kids to be page boy and flower girls. My mother told her that would not be fair to me.

I am really upset by this. I know it is her day but I am feeling really upset and disappointed. I won't be in the bridal party photos, I don't know if I will be sitting at the top table with the rest of my family. I won't be involved when she goes shopping for bridesmaid dresses. My extended family is the type to talk about family members and events and I just know that this will be a topic of conversation.

My mother called up today and told me she rang her and told her how upset I was. She suggested writing her an email and sorting it out. She is living and working in another country, if I ring her, both she and I will get upset. My mother said she is sick of being stuck in the middle. I'm tired of being the bigger person. But I guess that comes with being the eldest.

Any advice?

Are your two other sisters unmarried? Some people don't ask married people to be bridesmaids for some reason. I can see why you would be upset though.

Thanks Cool Runnings.

No they are not married. I don't think that's the reason though. She has said it because of costs. Not sure if I really believe it.

You poor thing. What do your sisters think?

Difficult if she asks you to be bridesmaid now as it will feel like an after thought.

No advice really apart from to send an email and see what she says.

Strictly in terms of etiquette, as a married woman you can't rightfully be a 'bridesmaid' although you can be a matron of honour.

Your dsis is clearly toxic and I'm wondering why you'd want to be included in her bridal party photos no doubt dressed in the most unflattering garment she can find for you or play any part at her wedding.

If you can't undertake the role assigned to you or sit in your delegated place without good grace, I would suggest that you give serious consideration to sending your regrets that you won't be able to attend this wedding.

Frankly, I'd rather go to the dentist than be treated as a charity case by a toxic dsis simply because she wants to doll my dc up to make her day.

Oh dear

I'm not usually one that has a lot of time for wedding-related strops but I can see how this is hurtful.

I'm not sure what to advise ..maybe I'd email but I would certainly open the conversation gently and reasonably as there might just be a reason you don't know about - also she has included your children as flower girl/pageboy - she might well have thought that was 'the same' as asking you and that you would prefer that?

I'd maybe email and say 'I know weddings are complicated and stressful, but I have to admit to feel hurt that you've asked X, X and X to be bridesmaids and not me. I'm not trying to attack you - I just think it's one of those things I need to get off my chest or it will fester'.

Saying all that if she is as difficult and diva-esque as you describe then I doubt this will have a happy ending and maybe it's best to leave it, be the bigger person (again!) and vent to your dh and on here.

My sisters just think it won't be fair if I am not sitting at the top table with them. They won't take sides or get involved.

I think I will email her and tell her how upset I am. Even it is an afterthought, I'd still rather be a bridesmaid. If it is down to costs, I'll offer to pay for my own dress.

I would send an email stating that you initially felt disappointed to be left out of the bridal party but that after giving the situation some thought it's for the best that you remain as a witness. She clearly is a bit of a bitch so be thankful that you will be spared Bridezilla outbursts about the right shade of lilac or peach!.

Izzyizin, that is what my dh thinks. However, I couldn't hurt my mam and dad like that, by not going. And yes, there is no way in hell that she will get to 'show off' my dc.

Thanks proudnscary, that's a good opener, even though it galls me to suck up to her.

Honestly, none of us ( other 3 sisters ) thought she would ask us to be bridesmaids. She is much closer to her friends than any of us.

Oh it's just a big mess.

I would be relieved not to have the pressure of being involved. Can you not politely decline the role you've been asked to undertake, let your kids be dolled up (if they'd enjoy that) and just go as a normal guest?

I could I suppose.

I just don't want to be talked about or cause my mam and dad any hurt or upset.

It probably sounds stupid, but I would like to be a part of her day, and not just my kids.

Probably makes me selfish too.

It clearly means a lot to you but be prepared for her insisting that she isn't prepared to change her plans.

I know you are upset, but she has asked your DC's to be involved in the Bridal Group and you have been asked to be a witness.
It is her day to have what she wants, thank your lucky stars you can wear something decent and not be stuck with a ghastly satin number in the back of your wardrobe.
If you are the only married sister I don't see how you feel sidelined if she is involving your DC's.
You say you are not close, don't let it bother you, it shouldn't.

I too am the oldest and had all 3 sisters as bridesmaids and none of them asked me, but they all had each other. I put it down to being married and, like you, I too was given a key role in each wedding (doing a reading). You could ask to be on top table, however, as surely that is not going to ruin her plans?

This reflects terribly on her, everyone will just be thinking what a pathetic, heartless person she is to ask two sisters and leave one out.

A similar thing happened to me and I just said ''I was upset when I found out as I would have very much liked to be your bridesmaid but it's absolutely fine now and you must have the day you want'. I then held my head up high, forgave quickly and enjoyed the day.

Just move on and free yourself from any bad feeling. If this is the way she acts, it will only do her damage in the long run and I'm sure she'll regret this immaturity many years down the line.

Do your other sisters have children? Does she think she is giving "your turn" to your DC?

But I don't ask people to be bridesmaid so they'll ask you-maybe I should have been more honest at ur wedding. Tbh I really don't see how you can be so upset at this.

I really feel for you OP. I am an only child but i have DDs and i would hate to think of one of them being excluded in this way in the future. All sisters for bride's maids or none surely. Married or not - who cares? It's about involving everyone. And not hurting anyone's feelings the way yours have been.

That's not much help! Sorry.

If you hadn't said you would like to be a bridesmaid even if it's under duress then i would have advised, as above, holding your head up, saying nothing, and trusting that your DS wont be seen in good light by the majority of the guests for leaving out her sister.

As things are i would advise emailing and gently probing a bit deeper about the 'costs' thing. Perhaps be blunt and just ask. "DS, Is there a particular reason why i'm the only one not being bridesmaid? Because i would actually love to do it."

Best of luck with this. Its a shame.

Thanks for all the replies, it's good to get other opinions.

Fluffyraggies, you have summed up how I feel.

And those of you who are telling me not to be bothered by it or to just get on with it, it's hard for me to do that.

ll31, I know you don't ask people so they can ask you back, but I do think it's bad form to ask 2 out of 3 sisters. And I guess there is history as well, with my parents putting pressure on me to have her as mine. A part of me feels like why can't they do that to her, and I've said it to my mother, but it's like they don't want to upset her. It's always been like that.

That's another thread!

I've decided to send her an email, even if it's just to get it off my chest. We'll see what happens from there.

Thanks again for your advice.

Sorry Mrstrellis, my youngest sister has a baby. Maybe she did feel like she was giving my 'job' to the dc.

I've got an absolutely toxic sister. Recently I decided to give up. I'm fed up with being the bigger person/trying to have a relationship with her when she just treats me like shit. She's older btw, so that's got nothing to do with it.

I think if you get to a point where you stop having expectations you are no longer disappointed. It sets you free. My sister is successful in many ways, but I'm better looking and have better social skills/more charm. Not saying I'm a beauty, or particularly charming, btw! These things usually come down to jealousy. Maybe your sister feels threatened by you and deals with it by being a bitch. I think that's what mine is like.

Try and care less, that's the only thing you can do. I really feel for you, my sister has been making me feel like shit for years so I know what it's like.

Also I think if you write an email to her you have to ask what you want to achieve. There's a satisfaction in getting things off your chest, but it may not help you.

I sent my toxic sis an email a year or so ago. It was after YEARS of being hurt by her and it was a bit angry. I accused her of being condescending/unpleasant etc. Now based on this single offence, she tells people that I was horrible to her. It's a no win.

In your position I think I would be the dignified older sister and come across as aloof and gracious. It may not be how you feel but it could be quite satisfying. I wouldn't beg to be a bridesmaid or offer to make my own dress. Who the fuck does she think she is making you feel like this? Don't reduce yourself to begging her, it will make her feel superior which is what she wants.