SBH, STD & prostitutes .....

[Didnthearthesiren]

I have absolutely nobody in RL as I recently moved to Thailand with H & his job, gave up everything,only have acquaintances here. We knew about the different challenges & I agreed only to come if he could guarantee me that he would be faithful, I know what goes on here.
I'm so distraught to have uncovered the fact that he has visited brothels frequently,has bought sex, he says it happened once.

He has comfortably lied until the truth was so glaringly obvious. I also have a minor STD for weeks now & I questioned him about sex & denied anything whatsoever. I treated it as a UTI, I even gave the 'Bill Clinton' clause to come clean so I could be sure.
He has been porn obsessive since I met him, I tried to be tolerant. In hindsight I've been blindingly stupid.
He maintains he has been faithful for all our 17years together until now, & claims this one event only.
He has been in denial about the porn, I have had very little sex life for years, not that I didn't try, be sympathetic, suggested he get help, do what he wants, etc. I'm a very sexual person, but after 17 years in a desert it means I am resentfully childless as am too old, & he had never TTC saying it was too much pressure, me pushy, often sex has been once in 18months.
Its evident I clearly love & desire this man, & know our relationship has required a lot of tolerance, everybody tells me he clearly loves & adores me.

On revealing the deceipt, the usual tears, etc, change, get help, please stay, but prior to that I was persuaded I was paranoid,controlling, giving him no freedom.
As usual, he's not the 'type', sees himself as perfect, generous,gentlemanly, trusts me...usual sheep in wolves clothing.
Anyone been through this?
I've so little resolve left, I feel very vulnerable & need to make the right choice. Has anybody got over something like this? If so how.
I know I should leave, or am I being manipulated?
I physically attacked him, several times yesterday when the truth finally came out. I'm not proud of that. I'm calming down to the usual river of tears.
I'm seen by many as a strong independant woman, but I don't feel like that now.
First time post.

What other people do wont help you. From what you say in your post the marriage is dead. You can't stay with someone just because staying together has been hard work.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through OP. Honestly? I would pack my bags and get on the first flight back to the UK. I cannot see anything worth attempting to salvage. So many wasted years but you have your whole future ahead of you and many opportunities to be happy x

Siren, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. The pain and bewilderment is heartbreakingly evident in your post.

My first question - can you go home (presume UK?) even if just for a break, to get some time and distance and be with someone who can give you the huge hug and the love you need right now?

I'm having a hard time in my relationship at the moment, we've had long periods without sex too and I understand how soul crushing that is. I'm also on the edge of being too old for babies, so again I understand your feelings there. I'm so sorry you are hurting.

For him to have gone to a prostitute and to have given you an STI, is pretty much unforgiveable in my book, however much he supposedly loves and adores you. However, only you can make choices about your relationship. But in order to do so you need some space and time. You will go through a rollercoaster - if not a whole sodding theme park - of emotions over the coming weeks and it will be so hard to see clearly, to think clearly. You're in shock.

I learned a helpful new phrase on MN recently, when I posted about my husband's cheating... being told that you are "...paranoid,controlling, giving him no freedom" is called gaslighting... a tactic to deflect from what they are doing and to blame you.

None of this is your fault... he made choices.

There is another thread on getting over infidelity on the relationships board but it's probably not that helpful to you right now, everything is too raw and painful.

Most people will probably say that violence is not the answer etc but it takes a very controlled person not to lash out. You don't have to be proud of it, but it's understandable, given your circumstances.

I've tried to respond to most of your points, but what I really want to do is hold your hand, give you a hug and let you know that I'm hear to listen, as will many other MNers be, over the coming weeks and months. I have had a lot of helpful advice on here, it's a good place.
xx

Thanks, good to get it out & even just clarifying my stupidity is helpful.
Biscuit, you go for those babies if you can & by any means possible, go for whatever it takes,if i could have I would have gone for donor sperm.
Thanks for your consideration & yes, gas lighting for sure. I looked it up.
I did go away for 3 days before it all came out, I don't have anywhere to stay in the uk, I may need to look for a job ASAP & maybe go back that way. Have to wait for test results here, it's not possible to phone in, thanks mumsnetters, you kept my sanity.

Then tell him he needs to pay for your flight and a hotel, because you need to be away from him whilst you get your thoughts i order. Do you have friends here that you could stay with?

Or do you have friends in other countries that you could go to?

Trust me, if they are real friends they will welcome you with open, non-judgemental arms.

Do you have a joint bank account? If you divorce you will be entitled to something from any property you own too. Time to start making some plans, perhaps see a solicitor? In fact, you could post in legal here on mn and see if you can get any advice.

What a horrible man. That 'one' time will of course be the tip of the iceberg.

So you bashed him. This is what he's turned you into - an out-of-control, childless woman weeping rivers of tears. I hate him

You have to get out if you're going to achieve anything resembling happiness or fulfilment in the future.

It helps to see for what it is tall, thanks.
Hes trying to persuade me that's not what he is, more lies.
Am booked to go away for a week now, from tomorrow. So will have some space.

siren this would not be worth another 17 years of your life. what he has done is just breathtakingly wrong and selfish added to which the temerity to lie his way out of it. Time to yourself to get the ground under your feet again will bring things into focus for you.

Your anger is rightly aimed at him. How dare he compromise your health, how very fucking dare he?

Life will only be better without this shit for brains constantly pissing around in the background with you never sure what he is up to. Get gone sister while the getting is good. Don't look back, not even for a second, eyes front and carry on.

All the very best whatever you decide, but it will be guaranteed to bring alot more positive things into your life than that pond weed.

Look, you can never, ever trust him not to pay for sex. He will not be monogamous. He doesn't want to.
So your only option is to get away from him. He doesn't love you, or he would be more considerate of his feelings. What he loves is the image of himself as a respectable married man and you are just a prop.

Once you have left him, your life will be your own again, every minute of every day is a step further along the road to happiness in your own right.

Well done, OP. Where are you going, will you be coming back to the UK? Take the week and then, if you need to, extend it. Keep posting, it will take a while for all of this to sink in.

So sorry

I don;t see how you can come back from this shocking bombshell.

Buying sex, especially from poor vulnerable women is the worst kind of cheating - he has very warped values and views about women.

Am off to an island, beach hut, basic & peaceful place.
Have seen a niche job with rubbish pay but perfect for me, can't see many others applying.Constructing my CV & see where it goes, booking UK flight today & friends will put me up until I get the job. I'm happy just to go with nothing. It's all just baggage anyway.
FYI he said he went once with all the directors from work had a BJ with a condom ( more like a holey frickin carrier bag ).
He will be getting help for his issues.......like I care anymore.
What a misogynistic tosser.
In the meantime, I'm clearly not right to have put up with this crap for so long, need to work on me now. Thanks, you have no idea how helpful you have been.

I am not condoning what he did but this sort of thing is so prevalent all across Asia.

Men coming in on business from the US, UK & Europe, meeting up with local rep & expecting a night out - could be karaoke in China, drinks which end at a notorious night spot in Singapore & unfortunately in Bangkok, it is far too easily available & there's almost a kind of tolerance all over Asia for it.

That it's what men get up to in Asia while they're on holiday or business.

And men who come to work out in Asia become accustom to it - the same men who would never do this if they were still living in the West where it's seen as sordid and sad - and accept it as part of life here.

for you, OP as I've been in a similar situation.

Reclaim your life :)

There's really nothing he can say to justify his behaviour is there.

The fact that he is trying to 'minimise' the situation by saying it was only once, it was only a bj, etc. shows just how far he is from even beginning to understand the impact his actions have on others around him.

And, of course, he is still lying to you.

You are doing so well, OP, you are obviously quite resourceful and able to recognise your strengths. Just take it one day at a time and use all the support you can find. You're going to be ok x

Siren, the world's your oyster. The best of luck to you

Thanks again,
Faire- am so not strong, but living with it can't be a better option.
Spree-I reciprocate those feelings. We knew what goes on in Asia, he was so emphatic it wouldn't happen.The sick tosser listened to me whilst I told him stories others had shared with me, giving the usual reassuring lies, I know there are people out there who this happened to & dreadful fallout on children etc, horrific stories. I'm lucky I'm not long out of my career & I will be dammed to let him take that away from me, always been financially independant & able to earn.

((((huge hug))))) I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but you ARE strong, your strength shines through in your posts.

Even if you don't feel it yet, you are strong and you will get through this.

He has put his happiness above yours.
As soon as you can, get back to the uk and away from this man who puts his feelings and ambitions before yours.
What a nasty man, to use prostitutes and give you an std.
You did what he wanted, you moved out there with him for his job but when you wanted a child he made his excuses now you are too old to concieve.
You may meet someone new and maybe one day adopt a child-the life you want is out there, grab it and say goodbye to this awful man now there is nothing left to salvage.

"Porn obsessive". That says everything really, everything you need to know about this man and the way he relates to women and the world. I agree he will never change. But you can change your life.

Didnthearthesiren. Being continually rejected sexually by the person you desire and love is soul destroying (have a friend been on that journey for many years and I see the hurt everytime she mentions it). To find he's had sex with somebody else must be a kick in the teeth.
Possibly fickle but hope you dress like a million dollars for the plane journey back to the UK and hit the ground running towards a very happy and rewarding life.