don't know where to start....

[skyblue11]

This is a biggie......I am living a lie as is my husband.
He doesn't love me, I don't think he ever has truly as 9 years ago he had a bit of a breakdown as he thought he was gay it made him suicidal. At the time I was in shock and stuck by him as I needed the family to keep together. We have never ever talked about this since, he had 10 months off work with stress after this event and got another job. That could explain our crap sex life from day 1 but I just accepted it as I loved him. So over the years I have become resentful as our sex life has slowly dwindled to being non existent and I feel like crap but this isn't the most important thing. He claims it's not his fault and he'd like sex but tbh right now I just have fallen out of love over the years and I don't think it will come back as everything about him annoys me, I tolerate him but that's all.
I don't think I'd miss him if he left but I know he won't as he's weak and needs me, so I couldn't do this to him as I know it would break him, so I'm stuck in this 'charade' of a relationship.
Day to day I don't even think about it, it's just how things are, we have nothing in common and my only thing which keeps me going is our child who is growing up and will soon be a uni so I cannot bear to think about that time I could get very depressed. In a few years we will be mortgage free and I have worked hard all my life but doubt we could both afford a place on our own.
He is also not a nice person to live with, massive anger management issues, always shouting and never says anything nice to me. He would just try to say I'm as much to blame as he and I probably am, I just feel so trapped and I really cannot see a way out. I am sure he would turn 'nasty' if I even suggested a split so I am destined to carry on living like this...

No. You are not destined to spend the rest of your life like this! I have been with my abusive 'D'H for 40 years and I have only just found the courage to get out. It is taking too long but I will get out.

Please dont waste any more of your life. You have every right to be happy. I know you will get some excellent advice and support here, it was reading these threads that gave me the courage and determination... keep posting and you will get some too eventually :)

As my best friend is fond of saying, 'life is not a rehearsal'. If you don't want waste your life simply being tolerant, you have every right to change it. It's very one-sided at the moment. There you are worried that if you ask him to leave it will 'break' this allegedly weak man, but he doesn't seem all that bothered about the effect of his behaviour towards you. On top of zero affection, being critical and shouting, he seems quite determined to make your life miserable, scaring you into sticking around for fear of what he might do. You seem to think that you somehow deserve this ill-treatment or are partly to blame, and that's a very common reaction of women in abusive relationships.

Your child that is growing up is witnessing all of this.... what is that doing to their peace of mind and what message does it send about adult relationships? It's not just you being damaged.

Women who feel trapped and don't know where to start often find Womens Aid is a really good source of practical and emotional advice. Contact details here Give them a call. What have you got to lose?

Anyone who contemplates staying in a loveless marriage 'for the sake of the dc' should read your thread.
You aren't destined to stay like this. You can split - he will survive it, it will probably even be a relief for him to end it too.
Nobody has to stay in an unhappy marriage.
Like Cogito says life is not a rehearsal - go and live yours while you are young enough to do so.

He's not violent or abusive as such, just can use an aggressive tone.
I really don't feel 'strong' enough to face a split and the upheaval it can cause, I was here 20 years ago and I have bad memories from then, so I just kind of brush it under the carpet even though it eats away at me sometimes.
I don't know if I can face it, seeing him crumble and being the way he was all those years ago.
I don't have a bad life, I just think I need some attention and love. I suppose having kids changes lots and I have enough love from my DC to keep me happy but I would just recoil now at his touch. Funny how the things I liked about someone 20 years ago now annoys me immensely!
Where would I go? Just the basics of this is frightening, I will probably put it on hold for another 5 years as I'm such a coward, it's not that I'm afraid to be alone cos when he's not around I feel happier, it's just the logistics of it all. I honestly don't know where to begin.

Yesterday he accused me of dissing him every time I spoke, like he had a huge plateful of food and I said 'can you get any more on there?' and he said I was being nasty to him. It's like walking on eggshells, so I clammed up and said nothing then I get of accused of 'so you're not talking to me now?' he's very childish....

sky, that's not childish, that's passive aggressive. Do some online research, it will open your eyes to the situation you are in. I didn't realise it was happening to me until the counsellor told me.

Jumpy, I think I have heard of this, he keeps on saying 'is it my fault?' all the time to anything, he's very quick to apportion blame even when there is no issue at all. Like this ridiculous situation, we were in the supermarket when he drove over the kerb and I tutted knowing he may have caused damage to the wheel as it went with a right clonk. He said very aggressively 'so it's my fault is it?' and to be honest yes it was he was driving but did it really matter?, it had happened, end of, but he just went on and on saying how I blamed him, he turned a minor incident into something big and tried to turn it around on me when it was he who made a mistake, and that's all it was, he just blew it out of proportion so I just kept quiet until he calmed down. Honestly I'm afraid to say anything these days!

It's not even passive aggressive... it's aggressive. I feel very sorry for you. You're not a coward but he's crushed your spirit so utterly & completely that you're frightened to say boo to a goose. A life without attention and love is a bad life. A life where you are being ground into the dirt, having every remarked held up to ridicule and treated with contempt is an even worse life. No amount of material goods or soft-furnishings compensates for being miserable.

Why are you still worried about him crumbling when he couldn't care less that you are a pale imitation of the woman you once were? I think he has used his mental health problems to control you. I wouldn't be at all surprised if a lot of what happened all those years ago was playing to the gallery.... drama-queening his way out of the situation, knowing you wouldn't leave if he was sick.

Where would you go? Where couldn't you go? There is all kinds of help available for women in your situaton. Just imagine a front door of your own, living there with your child, doing what you want, saying what you want and not having to second-guess what acid put-down was coming next. It's daunting, but it's worth it.

Sky my heart goes out to you, from reading your OP you sound depressed already, I'm not surprised having to live like you are, it sounds like hell.

Don't fall for his crap, he's not there because he needs you, he's there for convenience. You say he thought he was gay? so did he decide he wasn't?or could he be really keeping it in the closet have you thought why he is aggressive and angry towards you, doesn't really want sex, treats you with such spite. It sounds like he has some deep rooted problems.

Obviously it's up to you what decisions you make, but recoiling from him and disliking him immensely isn't very healthy when you live together.
That's the problem with brushing stuff under carpets, eventually it all starts to seep back out and the fall out continues.

Even if you're not at the point of actually splitting with him, start thinking what it would be like without him like a lead weight around your neck, dragging and pulling you down. Just gather information and be prepared.
You really need to start thinking of your own happiness and sanity not his. It's a dog eat dog situation, it's either you or him and at the moment he seems to be coming out as top dog :(
YOU ARE NOT A COWARD and YES YOU ARE strong - you've put up with his hell for 20 years. If he turns nasty, then so be it, there's the police and injunctions, you can't let the threat of him stop you if you decide to end it.
Good luck xx