Been asked to be a God Parent - feeling uneasy.

[fluffyraggies]

Dithered about posting this in AIBU or posting here. Chose here obviously!

My DH and i have just been asked to be GodP's to baby DN. His side of the family.

Background: Neither my DH or i are religious. We've chatted about our atheism between ourselves.

His family are all christened but never attend church or observe any of the christian festivals other than Christmas or Easter in the usual commercial way.

I know that the family have, in the past, been a little ... disingenuous about their faith. For example PIL rushing DH to Sunday school for 6 weeks and suddenly getting him Christened when he was about 7, at the same time that FIL happened to be joinning a certain beneficial organisation which requires the family to be practising christians. Plus DHs siblings have all done the 'suddenly attending church for a few weeks prior to asking to be married there' thing, then never going back. There are other examples.

Personally i find this hypocritical and ther smug and serious 'oh how religious we all are' attitude, at some events, really unpalatable.

I have not voiced my opinions about this to DH. There's been no need and it would be hurtful. I should say apart from this they're lovely people, and we all get on well!

Aaaanyway - to get to the point - we were asked face to face over dinner and DH jumped at it. In hindsight it would have been awkward to have done anything else tbh. I think he sees it as a compliment and just a nice thing. Another couple, not in the family, have been asked too. An earlier, and the only other example of God Parenthood in the family has just involved putting a large amount of cash into an account for the child.

I don't know what will be expected of us. Is this God Parent stuff going to be another 'just for show' thing? None of our age level of the family are very good at keeping in touch with each other. We only all get together once in a blue moon. It's MIL who has a ring round once a week and shares all the family news. Everyone's quite happy with that. We're all scattered about the country.

I would/will be uncomfortable treating one niece or nephew more importantly than the others, and we don't have money to splash around. i am not christened so i can't be a 'named' God P but have been asked to 'just stand up there at the font with the other 3'. (more hypocrisy)

Not sure what i'm asking for here. I'll probably just keep quiet and go with the flow. I just don't want, in a years time, to be in the position of feeling guilty all the bloomin time, and worrying what the parents of G child-to-be are thinking of us. I don't know how to bring this up with DH. I don't know whether i even should! I'm being brutally honest here - i'm sorry if i have offended anyone.

Thoughts anyone?

I am a Christian and am godparent to various friends' DCs. I don't treat them any differently to other friends' DCs to whom I am not godparent. I can't imagine myself trying to persuade them to go to confirmation classes when they are older either.

I got them a nicer Christening present than I would if I was just a guest at their Christenings, but I would not have given them a large sum of money, even if I had had a large sum of money to give. I quite like the idea of naming them in my will and leaving them something (some cash?) as a token just because they are my Godchildren (and that includes the lady I was "sponsor" to when she had to get Christened before we were confirmed, because I was bizarrely touched by the whole thing) but I have not got that sort of will and shall probably never alter the reciprocal wills DH and I have got.

In short, as long as you are not being asked to make any vows and promises on behalf of the child, and your DH is keen, I'd just go with the flow. You actually aren't, in fact, being asked to be Godparent anyway.

Thank you balloonslayer. It's very insightful to hear how GPs handle their responsibilities.

I was actually asked to be GP alongside my DH, but i said i wasn't christened, and the 'stand up there anyway' was the response. Also, (rightly or wrongly) i'll feel bad if my DH hasn't thought this out and it affects him later on.

Are the vows you spoke of made at the christening?

I think you need to talk to DH.

You won't be able to be Godparent if you are not baptised, so you will not find yourself in that position. Your ILs are probably worrying that you will feel left out, and by saying "stand up there anyway" are stating that, to them, you will be as much a Godparent as your DH, which is really sweet.

Depending on how their church does it, you will not really be able to standup with the others to take the Godparents vows - and I doubt you would want to. The following exchange takes place:

Vicar: Do you turn to Christ?
GPs and Parents: I turn to Christ
Vicar: Do you renounce evil?
GPs and Parents: I renounce evil
Vicar: Do you repent of your sins?
GPs and Parents: I repent of my sins.

There are other promises too, about bringing up the child to be a Christian, and d'you know what - my mind has gone a blank as to how they go! Suffice it to say that if you are an atheist you wouldn't want to say them either really!

I think a lot of people believe erroneously that the Godparents are people who will adopt their DCs should they die. I don't think this has ever been true in a legal sense. But it tends to be why some people pick Godparents based on "who do we trust enough to look after our DCs if we died" rather than "who do we want to help shape our DCs future religious life" which is what it actually is. If you want someone particular to look after your children if you die, you need to firstly ask them, and secondly put that wish in your will, which is what we have done.

I have people in my family, whom I am incredibly close to, who are not godparents to my DCs, because they think that Christianity is all a load of balls. This does not mean that I love them any less or that I would not want them looking after my DCs should anything happen to us.

As for your ILs - Vicars and church congregations are well used to parishioners who are rarely seen but for "hatchings, matchings and dispatchings" and will not think any less of them.

DH was asked to be a god parent - we are both atheists - he politely turned it down (and is still friends with the parents).

I haven't been baptised so couldn't do it, even if I wanted to.

I think it would be rather hypocritical to accept the role of godparent if you're an atheist. You can still be close to the child, of course, and look out for their wellbeing etc., but I think that the clue is in the title and it would be ridiculous to go through the religious motions just for appearance.

In my experience, god parents are just wanted to give presents/money, preferably the latter. I'm GP for two DNs on DH's side and the parents probably by now realise they got a bum steer ... in the material goods sense any road

I don't care though. My understanding is my job is to provide spiritual guidance. I've extended that in my own mind to encompass any type of guidance when they're older. If the parents are not happy with that, I'm quite happy to step down.

My understanding is it's too late to back down in your case OP?

No advice, but just wanted to say that I understand and sympathise with your position entirely. I too would feel very uncomfortable being asked to be a godparent as I'm an atheist. Plus I hate the hypocrisy of those who don't practice at any other time but around weddings, christenings etc suddenly 'discover their faith'.

Not sure how you get out of it. I'm glad never to have been asked but I have often wondered how I would handle it if I was.

Perhaps you could speak to the parents and explain that you are an atheist and, that though you're flattered to have been asked, you're not sure if the best person to have been selected as a godparent for their child given your lack of religious belief.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm finding it enormously helpful.

It does feel too late to back down Helltotheno.

I too feel that the true purpose of being a god parent is, put very simply, to steer the child gently and provide support and spiritual guidance.

The thing is i just know my DH is unlikely to do either in the long term.

Thank you Balloon for the notes on the service itself.You're right, it is a goodhearted gesture for the BIL to say stand up there anyway to me. I just felt a little paniced as i would be taking part in a religious ceremony i had no faith in. Now after what you've said i'm sure of it!

I think i should talk to DH. I'm just concerned about coming across 'anti his family'.

I realise it probably seems odd talking about 'backing down' as if it was me being the GP, but in all honesty, if my DH becomes one it will be me doing all the thoughtful gestures from here on in IYKWIM? Reality in our house is me buying all the birthday cards etc, for his family and him signing them

Reality in our house is me buying all the birthday cards etc, for his family and him signing them

Yeah that's really annoying. I made it v clear to DH at the start that I wasn't taking on birthdays etc for his family since I have a family too. In practice, that sort of means that he ends up doing phone calls instead of cards! Still though, if that works for him, fine.
At the minimum OP, make sure you lay down some guidelines around this or ask him to re-consider.

There is no 'true purpose' really. People go through these rituals mostly for convention than because of any religious conviction, and allocate the various roles the way they might pick bridesmaids at a wedding. They simply need four volunteers to stand up on the day, expect them to come up with a gift of some kind, maybe remember birthdays and the rest is all pretty academic.

What a difficult position to be put in. I can only tell you how we have tackled it is Christians and Vicars.

With our son we wanted my Dh's best friend from childhood to be a special person in DS's life but as an atheist we knew she would not be GP. We asked her to sponsor DS, to be that person he can turn to when he's had enough of his parents!

She came to the Baptism and stood in all the relevant photos but did not stand up to say the words with the other GP. She couldn't!

When we take Baptism services we talk through the promises the parents and GP's will be making for the baby or child. It is up to them to decide for themselves who is suitable to ask, we can't stop an atheist from standing there and saying the words, but we know some people will do and that is between them and God (yes I get the irony)

Because of your standpoint I do think you need to talk it through further with your DH and perhaps find the words of the service, I'll try and find a link t the CofE ones

Good Luck

At the baptism of children, the president then says to the parents
and godparents
Parents and godparents, the Church receives these children with joy. Today we are trusting God for their growth in faith.
Will you pray for them,
draw them by your example into the community of faith
and walk with them in the way of Christ? With the help of God, we will.
In baptism these children begin their journey in faith. You speak for them today.
Will you care for them,
and help them to take their place
within the life and worship of Christ?s Church?
With the help of God, we will.
The Decision
A large candle may be lit.The president addresses the candidates directly, or through their parents, godparents and sponsors
In baptism, God calls us out of darkness into his marvellous light. To follow Christ means dying to sin and rising to new life with him. Therefore I ask:
Do you reject the devil and all rebellion against God?
I reject them.
Do you renounce the deceit and corruption of evil?
I renounce them.
Do you repent of the sins that separate us from God and neighbour?
I repent of them.
Do you turn to Christ as Saviour?
I turn to Christ.
Do you submit to Christ as Lord?
I submit to Christ.
Do you come to Christ, the way, the truth and the life?
I come to Christ.

I hope you're right Cogito. It just feels ... daft tbh! I'm probably overthinking this then.

Helltotheno i was thinking i'd get flamed fro the birthday card thing. I know it's very unMN to be buying his bloody cards for him. But he's always suitably grateful.

shirsten i feel it would be taken as a snub to say no.

I'm feeling there's no good end to this either way then really.

But this is the deceleration at the end, what the minister asks the parents and GP's to do

Where the newly baptized are unable to answer for themselves, a minister addresses the congregation, parents and godparents, using these or similar words
We have brought these children to baptism knowing that Jesus died and rose again for them and trusting in the promise that God hears and answers prayer.We have prayed that in Jesus Christ they will know the forgiveness of their sins and the new life of the Spirit.
As they grow up, they will need the help and encouragement of the Christian community, so that they may learn to know God in public worship and private prayer, follow Jesus Christ in the life of faith, serve their neighbour after the example of Christ, and in due course come to confirmation.
As part of the Church of Christ, we all have a duty to support them by prayer, example and teaching. As their parents and godparents, you have the prime responsibility for guiding and helping them in their early years. This is a demanding task for which you will need the help and grace of God. Therefore let us now pray for grace in guiding these children in the way of faith.

And finally this is the link to where you can see the whole thing

www.churchofengland.org/prayer-worship/worship/texts/common-worship-pdf-files.aspx

X posts there.
Thank you hope. Gosh, yes, it's not for the atheist really!

I was asked to be godmother to my cousin's dd but was not christened myself and did and do not want to get involved in the Christian thing. However, I was very flattered and did and do want to play a part in their DD's life. In the end they asked someone else and I attended the christening ceremony but felt very uncomfortable, it's a tricky one but I did not want to be a hypocrite...

There's two problems here though isn't there? A. The expectations of the church and B. The expectations of the parents. Those don't necessarily match up.

Offred, yes that is so true that some people don't know what Baptism is. Others are forced by family pressure, tradition or even fear

A service of Thanksgiving is offered at many churches. It involves no promises but is a wonderful way for the parents to thank God for their child and then have a great party afterwards with their family and friends.

You could start carrying a copy of The God Delusion with you whenever you see them! Might get the message across

I think you need to be honest with the parents, and also have a conversation with dh beforehand to see if he's really thought about it.
The fact that you say in your first post that you have talked about your atheist views, to my mind rules you both out of being able to be GodParents - how can you stand up in front of a congregation of people and lie ?
You have to make promises to God and to the witnesses that you will bring up the child in the Christian Faith - how can you stand and do that if you have no intention of doing so ?
You can explain to your in laws that you will still be a big part in the child's life through being Aunty/Uncle, but that you don't think lying to everyone about what you will or won't do would be a great way to start that relationship.

I admire you for your honesty - there are too many people about who seem to think lying to people is acceptable.

Thank you. I'm still reading. Still brewing over this.

That's it really BFG, it will feel like a lie. The alternative celebrations some of you have mentioned, without such a heavy religious content, sound such a good idea. Sadly it's beyond my influence in the family to suggest any change like that.

It's just another of the grand religious gestures that this family likes to go in for. MIL will be bursting with pride and a sense of religious occasion on the day. And understandably so, bless her.

It's only because of the involvement of promises from my DH (and therefore by default my involvement in the carrying out or not of those promises) that i am questioning this. I don't begrudge anyone a lovely Christening.

I'm going to feel really mean when i bring this up with DH :(

The villain of the piece.