Does anyone else feel like this? Sex Drive / Body after children . . .

[MrawMraw]

Don't know if this is in the correct place but I guess it affects relationship the most.

I was wondering if anyone else feels like this.

I don't have any other problems with self-esteem (although perhaps I did when I was younger), but I have noticed that the changes in my body and mind after children have had a huge effect on how I feel about sex.

The strange thing is, I don't have self-esteem problems in any other aspect of life. I am happy with myself, know my strengths and flaws/weaknesses, I don't feel unworthy of respect - I know I deserve to be treated with respect just as much as any other person. I'm a decent person, have friends, job I love etc. Confident enough in my abilities (although I have wobbles like everyone else). I would not put up with being treated badly by a partner because of my "problem", however . . . . . . . .

Since having children (and they are not even really very young anymore - 7 and 3), I have felt just ... frumpy and not sexual. I don't hate myself and funnily enough I do accept the changes in my body (most notably breasts going a bit downwards and extensive stretchmarks and turkey-neck tummy etc), but I struggle to see my body as in any way "sexy". I still have a libido and desire to do stuff with my partner, and this has been helped by going off the combined pill and onto mini-pill recently and also partner always saying he finds me attractive never ever commented badly on the changes, but when it actually comes down to it I just feel ... so .... awkward and clumsy (is probably the right word).

I have done all the things you are supposed to do, after the first hectic year of pre-schooler and a newborn I came out of the daze of early motherhood and do make some kind of effort (clothes I like - although cheaper and more practical than pre children, make up and perfume - although more minimal routine) and I have time out for me at least once a month, even if it is a mammoth task now to arrange childcare etc. But none of this seems to make any difference, I still feel as unsexy as ever, despite being quite young.

I feel like some kind of awkward clumsy virgin , totally lost my own sexuality. I feel like if I drop my guard and believe that I can be sexy / enjoy anything other than the complete basics, then it will be some big joke or wind up and someone almighty will come along and mock me or something! It's a really weird feeling. But I have tried lots of things and it doesn't seem to go away, in fact the older the DC get and the more used to the "mother" role I get, the worse it gets! I'm not a clingy mother type either, not at all.

I really don't get it, although DP is patient and seems Ok with any kind of 'activity', even if very basic, I know he feels upset and thinks he is no good because I don't enjoy things like I used to even though I say I still enjoy it. He gets slightly annoyed recently with my moaning about my body (the saggy tummy etc), and has said things like he is just not going to bother reassuring me anymore, he has told me til he is blue in the face that he finds me very attractive and that it's not just about the body anyway even if that was the case, but I don't listen and I'm 'letting' these thoughts which aren't even rational ruin that aspect of our relationship. I suppose he is right, and this has been gong on since DC2 was a few months old, so for 3 years now!

Does anyone else feel like this, just frumpy and .. bleh in that way??

I think the problem is maybe a shift in identity

Oh and I should mention there are no permanent issues with tiredness as DC sleep OK unless ill or something. I can do it "myself" if you know what I mean but it is purely functional!

Any advice well received! If you have managed to get this far.....

Oh and no problems with traumatic births / labours / stitches, DC1 was c-section because I was induced due to being 2 weeks overdue but they tried to induce for days and zero progress / 0 cms! I was in for a VBAC with DC2 but I had a kidney infection when I went into labour and too risky as my obs were all over the place so had another c-section in very early labour.

So can't be that.

I think a lot of mothers go through this to some extent.

You say your children aren't very young, but if the youngest its only 3 I would guess that you still find that being a mother its the biggest role in your life. It probably always will be, but as the DC get older, you will find that you can get more of the old you back.

It sounds like your relationship is very strong, and that you have great insight into yourself and your feelings. I would say nurture these things, try all the usual stuff like making time to be a couple, time for yourself, grooming, (reading erotic literature?), and your image of yourself as a sexual being WILL return!

I think you should try to say less about your body's shortcomings to your DP. He has told you that he fancies you and although your body is no longer the same, it is time to accept the changes and talk yourself into believing him when he says he loves you and desires you.

I agree with jumpy. DH also got impatient with my comments bout myself - as he said, he wouldn't let anyone else speak about me that way so he half wants to reassure me and half get cross with the person saying mean things about his wife's looks! So I stopped saying it and he still gives me compliments just as much. Sometimes I can believe them too!

Sounds very normal. I have the unhappiness with my saggy tummy but think I'm pretty good to look at generally! I think it is mostly in your mind anyway!!!

What really helped me was seeing the readjustment to the new body shape as temporary, not putting pressure on myself to have sex when I didn't feel like it, not saying negative things about my body constantly which only reaffirms the negative feelings, getting fit (although hasnt really changed my body shape I lost some weight and got more toned it made me think I wasn't too bad to start ), also having a good look at my body and working out which bits were objectively not so great (saggy tummy) and how underwear could help, deciding it is fine not not particularly like the look of my post twins tummy but that it shouldn't be allowed to get out of all proportion (it is only a bit of skin, I'll never like it even if I love it), most importantly not thinking about being a mother without being sexy. The two do not have to be separate, I've found a style i like and vintage style underwear, corsets and suspender girdles, seamed stockings etc cover the bits I don't like and look great!

OP - I feel exactly the same and I was actually going to post a similar thread. I don't feel sexy at all, I keep waiting for the day I get my old body back, but I am too tired to do exercise and too worried about nutrition to diet. Really bummed that BFing isnt the magic slimming solution I was promised :)

We do have sex but I feel like I would rather not do it as I don't feel sexy. I am now waiting for BFing to end, as I somehow think it is related to that. It seems to me that my body is meant for purely feeding purposes at the moment.

If you can't separate psychologically the feeding from the sex it can be hard. I don't think it helps to carry on having sex when your heart's not in it. I think it is better to stop, reassess and refocus. Much healthier for your feelings about yourself.

OP I feel exactly the same. Have 3 DCs and after the first 2 our sex life was ok, not as frequent as pre DCs but I still had a libido. For some reason having DC3 2 years ago has almost killed it! After BFing all 3 you can imagine what my boobs look like and my tummy although fairly flat has that weird pouchy thing going on after my EMCS with DC3. I always had a large sexual appetite so it's very difficult for poor DH to come to terms with it. I just don't feel sexual anymore, at least not very often and I don't know what on earth to do about it. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I feel exactly the same. Can't stand to look at myself in the mirror, and I just feel so "unsexy" it's really hard to get "into it" when DH and I have sex. I miss feeling sexy. :(

Thanks for all the responses (-:

I keep 'meaning' to go to the gym, the only one which has a creche is about 2 trains away and the creche is only open on a Monday, or take the DC swimming or something, but things keep coming up.

I'm on the lower end of normal weight so weight not a problem, but I do think exercising would help.

I often get stressed with all the things I need to do, all the responsibilities and drudgery. I think I have a bit of low mood which is probably contributing. I love the DC but I find it incredibly difficult at times to juggle part time work (24 hrs) , childcare, housework (DP works over 48 hours a week so most of it does fall to me), trying to have some kind of life, and the various things which get thrown at me every time I think I'm on top of things. A couple of weeks ago I was doing fine, on top of things, but in the past week I've had the stress of an upcoming 3-month-probation period ending at work and I have made a few silly mistakes although have made great progress generally, DS is ill at the moment with eye infection and stomach bug and I don't cope well with illness in others , I don't feel supported much by DP - but he does do housework and childcare when he is around (hardly ever due to long hours), so I can't quite put my finger on why I feel so unsupported, but it is there - I guess at the end of the day, things always by default fall to me, and DP "helps". Organising things has always been my unspoken responsibility, like making sure there is food in the house even though I don't drive and he does. I came back from a 12 hour shift on Saturday to find a nasty letter from our (vile) landlord demanding that we rectify immediately the "heavily marked" walls in DC room (small children draw on walls you f'ing twat, I really dislike him, have done for years). Guess who that will fall to to make sure it is painted by the 'deadline' ?? It just seems that everyone piles stress on top of me, and life is endless WORK and ANXIETY. I think that could be what's causing my complete lack of vivaciousness and mojo! I seem to be about 80% of the time battling lists of things needing done and responsibility, and walking around with a 'bad mood - do not even dare look at me' face on, and only about 20% of the time feeling light and happy. DP seems to think that because I only work 24 hours in a job I love and he works over 48 in a job he hates that he is all hard done by. But I worked really hard to get a job I love, worked voluntary for a year to get in etc, I can't drive so everything takes longer too compared to him. Whereas he moans about the long hours (It's not a picnic for me either hardly seeing each other) but does absolutely nothing to change jobs despite having a degree, he has been doing it and hating it for 7 years!

Added to the changes in my body and I feel really.... bleh and flat. Although not clinically depressed I wouldn't say, since I do look forward to things and feel happy about some things.

ARGH!

I just seem to wake up a lot of days with dread about all the things which need doing, and know I'll be working / dealing with DC / errands and appointments / shopping / cleaning from between 6.30am-8.30am until at least 8pm every single day. If I take a day out then I'll just have more to do the next day!

I know that everyone is in the same boat, and I don't think there is anything else I can do that I haven't already done. I plan days out and nights out (but not as often as I'd like due to time and money constraints), I make sure I keep in touch with friends and family etc. But still feel no mojo / sexiness / vivaciousness, just frumpy

But it really helps to know I'm not alone, everyone else seems to have it so together.

Yes, I could have written that post a few months ago. I don't work but I study 24hours per week from feb-sept/oct. DH is now doing most nights of putting the dcs to bed, that has helped me feel better and happier but the stress makes me want more sex not less cos it relieves stress for me.

I felt bad about it until I added up that I study 24 hours a week so that DH will eventually be able to cut his hours on the job he hates and do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, some voluntary work and 57 hours per week childcare!

He actually only works 37.5 hours a week, the other 20 are travelling so I don't feel bad anymore about him sharing the work when he gets home or about making him do the housework I would normally do while looking after dcs at weekends.

Glad that you have managed to make some changes Offred x

Yes, although when I get stressed I just don't want anyone near me, talking to me, let alone touching me! It's just the way I am. I just go 'tunnel-vision' until I get through whatever it is. But because life is so full of stress and workload I just seem to have lost myself and seem to be doing the "tunnel-vision" and getting through the day most of the damn time! Feel like although I enjoy some aspects of life, I'm just sort of existing rather than living. I only get about 1-2 hours a day to myself, that can't be changed for the forseeable unless we move to a bigger house and DC don't have to share a bedroom as DS (3) goes to bed first at around 7-8 and sometimes takes hours to go to sleep, DD (7) can't go in to the room until he is completely asleep or they both end up jumping around the room, playing and gradually increasing volume. So don't get time to myself until around 9pm, just an hour or two before I need to go to bed.

DP works nights 5-6 nights a week, and I work 2 long shifts or 4 short shifts on dayshift, he is only around about once a week to put them to bed. I'm a bit over paranoid about anyone taking them out though - I don't mind them being watched in someone's house but if anyone (even P) takes them out without me I can't relax much because I have this strange fear of them getting lost or something happening. Once P took them to visit his family's farm for a few days and I was a nervous wreck - couldn't sleep for imagining farming accidents, youngest one wandering off etc. I don't actually say this out loud to people though .

Perhaps I have had PND for 7 years since the birth of the first DC - but surely this cannot go on for 7 years!!!

I don't know I am the same about them being with other people! I don't think it is PND, just normal mum anxiety!!! Are there things he could do to help?

• that should have read that the DC, if put to the bedroom at time, just stay up chatting, playing and fighting and making noise until around 11pm or after . That's why I put the youngest to bed around 7-8 and the eldest afterwards ie 9-10.

This is a bone of contention between me and DP, because he says that they are still quite close in age and need similar amounts of sleep so I should be putting them to bed at the exact same time together and not "making a difference between them". My response to that would be well how many times have you put them to bed this year, DP? very rarely if ever. I'm sure it would be different if he was the one tearing his hair out when they are still up and have been talking all night and he is now trying to go to bed. Like 24/7 background noise . We had a huge argument about this a couple of months ago.

I just feel on edge a lot, due to various things. I think I always have, since the birth of DC1, but much worse since DC2.

I think you have identified for yourself why you don't feel sexy, you feel like a hamster on a treadmill (not a hot thing really). I am not sure what the solution is, except talk with your husband about this, and see if you can come up with some solutions (e.g. get cleaner, he takes responsibility for X, you stop caring about Y)

In this type of life, adding exercise can feel like one more thing to do (especially if you have nowhere local to exercise)- so think about things you can do at home that make you feel better.

And, going out for a meal/to the cinema, spending couple time, even just watching a movie, can make you feel more like you used to, get a bit of flirting in and start to relate more as a couple and less as a harassed mother (which I find hard but it does work).

Reading your recent posts, I also think you seem very anxious (more than depressed), I sometimes find when work has been getting the better of me, I can't switch off, and I get snappy and anxious about little things. Your feelings about them going away, I can relate to them, but I think to have that spoil the time away (which should have been relaxation time for you) is a little more than usual.

Have you ever tried relaxation/meditation/any way of getting calmer/more centred? I find if I go like this for a while, I can get back to a more peaceful existance and be less grumpy/wound up by doing relaxation tapes (cheap and cheerful ones, free with a newspaper or you can buy them online). I just think relaxing once a day, consciously, might help you just get on top of this constant treadmill feeling (which I completely relate to).

Ours all share rooms and always are worse when I do bedtime on thursdays. I put them to bed at the same time they're 7, 5 and 2 (dts). It doesn't help if I separate them the big ones wake the little ones who then have energy to stay up all night. There's no easy way round it when they share. They don't normally stay awake the other days but on thursday they punish me for DH not being there.

We had to separate the dts because they stopped sleeping and were chatting all night!

This might not work for you, but when we go on holiday and have to share, I put one in their bedroom (say at 8pm) and one in our bedroom (usually the littlest) and then move them later in the night. If you could convince your three year old to fall asleep in mummy and daddy's bed, and leave your 7 year old with a light on to read til 9, you'd have a bit more evening to yourself.

It is worth a try!

I have a cargo bike btw because I don't drive. I cycle them all over the place, it takes me 20mins max to get anywhere in our town, in the beginning it made me really tired but now it is fine and I am really fit and never get sick!

I've been thinking about this in the background yesterday and today and I think I've come to the conclusion that the way I'm feeling is not due to actual PND or hating being a mother, I think it is the general lack of spontaneity and excess of anxiety and drudgery/work/responsibility that comes with being a parent. I wouldn't trade lives for the world with any of my childless friends, I know I am lucky to have them and love them so much, but if I could only have like 1 day a week or something totally "off" - no work in my job, no children, nothing whizzing around my mind (I feel constantly "on alert" or guilty if not doing something, crossing off a box on the endless list of 'stuff to get done').

However that won't happen, because I will probably always be 'on duty' for the rest of my life!

Also, I have realised I have been putting aside issues in my relationship. I feel lonely in my relationship and not considered by P. I'm not happy, but he knows this and won't address anything which could make it better, just has the "head in the sand" approach. I snapped at him the other day when he said everything has been fine between us (dismissing my concerns about the lack of time we spend together), I replied "No it's not, it's been utterly shit since about 2008!" . I probably should not have said that, but what is the point when he won't listen to me at all because the status quo suits him! . I think that by refusing to acknowlege anything he is being manipulative, but then so am I, myself turning into someone I don't much like by saying things like I did in retaliation.

grr.