O.K. I'm the daughter of a bi-polar mother who was physically abusive over my childhood. To a large extent, I have been complicit with a family whitewash of awful events that have been minimised to make way for a narrative where my mother is only a victim of her mental illness.
This has been made easier because I suppose, first of all, I prefer this version. Secondly, she doesn't remember ( or perhaps doesn't want to remember) the worst of all this. Thirdly, because this illness became recognised and treated (moderated) after these events.
The years have gone by and now things chug along quite happily and there is a peace based on this silence. However, occasionally my mum will have what is referred to as an episode. To be fair, the last one was 5 years ago. When this happens she is violent and god awful to everyone around her and my family implodes and we are all immobilised by all the history. When this happened the last time she told me that everyone thought I was an awful difficult child and if she did batter me, then I probably deserved it. Everyone in her reach gets a bucket load of this, she thinks we just shrug it off as part of her illness.
Things are different this time around. My Dad died last year and normally he would power through and find a way to knit together all the chaos. She has just gone, in my sister's words, psycho. I feel disloyal enough without going into details but, again, there was violence. My sister is out of the house and safe.
This is just one part of my mum. She can also be incredibly kind, strong, wise, generous. I love her. My kids love her. I know she needs help, I know I should go around and help. I know that this is an illness. There's no-one else here who can do this, but my legs feel hollow and I'm too scared.