is this all in my head?!

[crazygal]

Hello....
I've been married to dh for 5 years,we have one son who is 7.
ds has bad adhd.....so its hard.
over the last 3 years when we discovered ds has adhd,i became very depressed,
I went on parent courses,I went to my gp for help,for ds.and myself to cope.i had hypnotherapy to try to calm me stress,im now starting yoga and started going to meditation.....all has helped abit,
The reason i done all that,is because i felt i was a stress head,ds pushes my every button and i struggle,im finding it hard...
I feel like dh dosent support me in some areas,i feel bad saying this,and when I tell dh,he makes me feel bad,as he points out all the things he does do!
We have solid rules in the house for ds as he works better around them and everyone knows whats what...but...dh lets him away with so much!! it frustrates me so much,sometimes i feel like i've got two kids!!
The issues are...eg: .We ask ds 3 times to stop doing something he's not meant to be doing,then he gets 3 seconds to stop or he receives a consequence,(he does get a reward for stopping) I always follow through with it,ds often becomes violent and can trash the room,but we try to teach him that he made that choice....dh will never follow through!!! I end up taking over!! and then im the bad guy....I just need help with that end of things, This eve,about two mins before ds was going to bed,he asked if he could play his dsi game,i said not now,as its to close to bed,but you can play it in the morn....I went out to make a cuppa and dh gave him the dsi....
We dont let ds drink coke,and he tells me nice and smug,my dad gives me coke,hahahaha!!
This eve it was light rain and dh had to pop out to the car,ds said can i come dad,dh said no,your in pjs and its raining,ill only be a sec...ds started wining really loud like a toddler,then dh says come on then!!
Or ds asks for a biscut before tea and i say no,i always explain why at the time,dh often hears me,then hands him a biscut!!
Then i'm fuming and then myself and dh have a row!
These things i've just mentioned are my main stress and i don't know what to do,with all my courses ive put things in place that have worked,but tend to go wrong when dh walks through the door.or am i stressing over nothing??should i just let them get on with it and be more laid back about all those little things?dh says he can never get it right :( and i don't want him to make him feel that way as a parent. but need us to work as one

Honestly if you have both agreed on the rules, one needs to back the other, if you say no dad can't then say yes or he will play you one against the other.

((((hugs)))) cos you sound emotional and to calm.

It sounds like your husband is "killing your son with kindness" - he wants your son to be happy, and while that may work in the short-term by giving your son whatever he wants if he kicks up enough of a fuss, in the long-term he is teaching your son really bad lessons - for example, that you get what you want by behaving badly; no doesn't mean no; and mum and dad don't present a united front and can be played against each other. Have you said that to your husband? You could ask your husband, what are the long-term goals/lessons you wish to teach your son? What standards are important for him to have? And therefore, what difficult things do we need to be consistent with in the short-term, in order to get your son to where he needs to be in the long-term?

Maybe your husband also doesn't have the confidence to do/say things that your son won't like - maybe he's being more of a friend to your son than a parent.

One thing I question, though, is the rule that you tell your son not to do something three times before following through with a punishment. To me this is also teaching your son, "No doesn't mean no" or that he doesn't need to take you seriously the first time you ask him to stop doing something. In potentially dangerous situations that is not a good lesson to have learnt. He needs to know that stop means stop, no means no. I wonder if you could do something like say his name/make sure you have his attention (in light of his ADHD), tell him to stop once, and if he doesn't react, discipline him immediately (explaining why you have done so)? This may save heartache for you, feeling you're not being respected/having to ask three times before you're listened to.

On the other hand, when requesting that a child does something (rather than stops something), like brush their teeth, it is OK to ask twice - a second time to give the benefit of the doubt in case they hadn't heard, etc. But I do think kids need to know that "stop" means "stop right now", not "the first two times someone says stop are meaningless". What do you think?

hi there MyLittleFluffball
thank you for your reply,yes your post makes alot of sense.
W e started getting ds some counseling to help him through some of his emotions and to understand them,the counseller said to dh that he needed to step up,and he asked him if he would like to be 'liked' or 'repected' by ds?

I agree,i don't think dh has the confidence to carry through with some punishments, an example from a few weeks ago....he took ds over to our local to meet some of his mates for a bite to eat,ds refused to eat until dh when back indoors and let him have a kitkat first! dh did it.....
dh friends told me,that they couldnt believe he did it....
I spoke to dh about it and asked why?he said 'i just knew he would kick off in front of everyone and i thought it would be the easier option' that they would have all sat looking at how he coped and he just didnt want that...
I understood his reason behind doing it and said no more,as it was the first time i sensed he wasnt actually all that confident!

I have spoke to dh several times about things like this,and he has always said he will try,and even once he said 'i just dont know what to do' i offered to help him through it and guide him,which he was happy with,but then it just falls apart as he wont keep it up or ds slagging us off about it!!
it shatterers me trying to be on top of the two of them....

as for asking ds to do something 3 times,it would be for say,teeth brushing,eat your tea,acting really silly in public...etc...i say to him 3 times cant you stop that please,he just ignores,but i know he hears,then after the 3rd time i say,ds,i've asked you 3 time now,you have 3 seconds to stop or you have a conseqence,and the rest his then his choice....
if its doing someting dangerous like climbing on his window ledge,throwing stones,hitting or running to near a road he told once to stop,if he dosent theres instant punishment...
i can see and understand what you mean by saying it once....it it something i would be prepared to try,i can see the meaning of it.....i just try and give ds a chance to make a good choice,which often he does,then he earns a marble which means he can earn money if he earns enough of them.
its hard to get it right
myself and dh have agreed to have a chat this eve about it,he knows,but he is so laid back you wouldn't believe....

Big hugs crazy, it sounds hugely frustrating for you.
Whether or not your DH has the confidence to see through the rules and punishments, he should 100% be backing you.
I can understand that your DH doesn't want to cause a scene, as in the pub meal, however, does he, himself ,really believe what he done there was acceptable?
If DH was busy cooking a meal and DS asked for a kitkat right before eating, would he allow it or would he make him wait until after he'd eaten his meal? Rules are rules and it's probably just as confusing to your DS if something is allowed one day but the next day it's not.
I think a lot of what you are trying to instil in DS makes lots of sense and the fact you have taken many steps to calm and de stress yourself to cope is bloody marvellous but you mostly need to DH to step up now and I hope for both yours and DS sake that he does.
Together you stand or divided you fall Clichéd but so very true.

Good luck x