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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

recieved letter from his solicitor today

24 replies

rotool · 21/07/2012 20:26

I am trying to leave abusive but non-violent relationship. I have friends I can stay with in two weeks time until I can rent somewhere of my own. I own the house I am leaving with xp but can't get him to leave so I want to leave with dc. I recieved a letter from his solicitor today requesting joint care but I think it is crazy and not good for dc as he is saying on week one he should have them overnight on this day and am on another with me having them pm on this day etc and then we swap for week two. I can't see how this will work,I think the dc should be in the same house all week for term time. His is not able to look after them on his own due to his job so his parents will be doing most of the care. My solicitor is applying for court order but I don't know if I should leave in two weeks time or wait until we have been to court. We are not married so I have full parental responsibility.
What do you think.....?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 21/07/2012 20:34

How old are the children?

Original poster

rotool · 21/07/2012 20:35

6 and 8

OP posts:

lovelymummy47 · 21/07/2012 20:35

rotool sorry for what your going through, I'm about to be in a similar position as my stbxh will demand joint custody despite the fact that he will not be available to tend to dd, his mum and sis do all the work for him. I ran away to seek refuge few days ago due to physical, emotional and financial abuse and couldn't be any happier having made that decision on time :)
I'm sure someone with great advice will come along,will lurk on your thread to get some info too.
Good luck and hang in there for the time being if you can, but if he gets violent do not hesitate to seek emediate help. xx

Olympia2012 · 21/07/2012 20:36

To be honest, what he is proposing can work for some people..... Having the dc in one home only during term time will need a strong argument to convince a judge

Original poster

rotool · 21/07/2012 20:37

Thank you lovelymummy47...good luck to you too,I am sorry you are in the same position as me.

OP posts:

Original poster

rotool · 21/07/2012 20:39

I thought the judge would want what is best for the children. Anyone can see that the children living with me one day him the next me one morning then him in the afternoon is crazy.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2012 21:01

OP, do not leave your house. It is your house and in any case you have parental responsibility. What does your solicitor say about this?

You would need a system if he was to have the children regularly. Children like to know what's happening. Someone close to me has his children three nights running, then his ex has them three nights running. That works for them. That was in no way an abusive relationship, though and both parents had their child's interests foremost in their mind.

You must do what you think is best. Your partner (thank god you didn't marry him) is abusive. Always remember that. He will want you to give in. This will take priority over his child's wellbeing. Go back to your solicitor and fight for your rights.

Original poster

rotool · 21/07/2012 21:28

Why don't you think I should leave the house? If I stay I will have to put up with the abuse. My solicitor says I should think about staying but she doesn't have to live with him. He is manipulating the children, they treat me as though I am equal to them and tell me off as much as he does. He is a bully to them and me only they don't seem to realise what he is doing, they just want his attention and forgive him anything.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2012 21:32

You own the house. Are you going to let him live in it?

DiscoDaisy · 21/07/2012 21:32

Is he named on both their birth certificates?

Original poster

rotool · 21/07/2012 21:43

yes I own and but he does too. I would have to let him live in it until he either bought me out or put it on the market.
DiscoDaisy...his name is on the birth certificates.

OP posts:

Original poster

rotool · 21/07/2012 21:46

sorry,should have said Yes I own it but he does too

OP posts:

DiscoDaisy · 21/07/2012 21:47

If they were registered after december 2003 and he is on the birth certificate then he has parental responsibilty as well.

wantingmore · 21/07/2012 21:47

he does have parental responsability as both your kids were born after 2003 and his name is on the birth certificate

Original poster

rotool · 21/07/2012 21:52

Yes he does you are right but the domestic violence unit and my solicitor have said that because we are not married the parental responsibility automaticaly goes to the mother. They have also said that if I move out and am worried he will take them for the day and not bring them back then I am within my rights not to let him take them, he will have to see them with me. I don't want it to come to this though, I want them to be with him but I want them to have a constant in thier lives. His job means he has to go away on occasion, I have said that I will be as flexible as he wants as regards to this. I am always happy to have them with me if he is not able.

OP posts:

hairytale · 21/07/2012 22:38

Op you are confusing what you want and what's in the children's best interest.

Why shouldn't their father have at least 50 percent reside ce (or more?).

50/50 care can work.

What's more surely staying in their own home rather than being taken somewhere temporary is better for them?

Original poster

rotool · 21/07/2012 22:41

Staying with an abusive father who is a bully and is trying to turn them against their mother is better for them than getting out and being somewhere safe? 50/50 cannot work as his job does not allow this. He has never had 50/50 care, he has never cooked a meal for them,shopped for them,washed or ironed their clothes, never done their homework with them without them ending up in tears,he can't play with them without winning or taking over the game...

OP posts:

ladybird69 · 21/07/2012 23:15

I'm sorry but I haven't got any answers for you Rotool more of a word of warning I'm afraid. I recently separated from my abusive vile H. He has manipulated and poisoned my children against me and I haven't had any contact for over a month. He enjoys posting happy pictures on FB of the 'family' and it breaks my heart. I did nothing wrong, I never abused him, I never cheated on him yet I'm the bad guy and treated as such by my own children now. So my advice is yes get your children away from this man, yes have visits but no not 50/50 as he will use it to brainwash and manipulate your DC. sending you love and strength and hoping you manage to keep your DC safe xxx

Original poster

rotool · 21/07/2012 23:23

Ladybird why did you have to go without your children?

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 21/07/2012 23:29

FIGHT.

Tell your solicitor to turn over every single stone and then some more to prevent the sort of access this man wants.

You can be the constant in their lives. A man who abuses a child's mother to the extent that this man has abused you and whose abuse has had the effect you describe on their behaviour is not a god father figure for children to have in their lives.

He wants to throw a spanner in your life using the children. As you stated, he actually can't take care of them and doesn't relate to them well as a parent. All he wants is to have continued contact with you in order to remain a thorn in your side.

If you let him have access to them at all he will make your life a misery. There will be never ending problems. He will use the tie to the children to keep you on a lead -- you won't be able to ever arrange holidays, etc. He will spy on you and any new BF you have through the children. He will not observe sensible bedtimes or he will fill them with sugar or he will constantly accuse you of doing so.

mathanxiety · 21/07/2012 23:30

Do not leave your children behind.

ladybird69 · 21/07/2012 23:38

I didn't leave my children I would never have done that. Stbxh left and they chose to go with him! I wish I'd have left him when mine were little because he wouldn't have wanted them then. That's my only regret. But I never dreamt that getting free of this evil man would mean losing my beloved children too. Towards the end tho they would all gang up against me and bully me and abuse me. I don't blame them I just blame him. He used them as weapons and I feel worried for them. But they won't listen to me. I'm crazy and the bad guy.

ladybird69 · 21/07/2012 23:49

There is a thread for emotionally abusive relationships on here and there are lots of wise women that will be able to give you advice on there. They have been a real comfort and strength to me, maybe they will be able to do the same for you. Thinking of you x

cestlavielife · 22/07/2012 00:07

If he on birth cert he has p r as they were born after 2003your sol needs to re check .

But that isn't your biggest issue here.

The issue is over residence and how shared residenc ecould work. One week with each can work if you both live close to school. So can xnumber days followed by xnumber.

If he hasn't cared for them before but seems to want to then a judge may buy into that. You would then have to let it go and se what happens recording everything...

But no do not agree to supervise contact that does not work out. You want to be away from him to avoid his abuse so how can this work of you there around hi and dc ? Aprt from being confusing for dc.
Start with third party you trust.

The child care arrangements during his days are also not necessarily relevant espec if is extended family. Even if it isn't. I use full time child are but have sole residency (after many many issues and two years of court hearings etc)

At one point ex was insisting I live next door to him so he could easily share care see dc. When someone is abusive this clearly won't work but when you in thick of it it is easy to get sucked In And wonder what is right.

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