Sick of his fucking deflection

[bogeyface]

Things are beyond shite in the marriage anyway but.....

If ever I say anything that is in anyway critical I get "WELL YOU ALWAYS......" "WELL WHAT ABOUT YOU NOT DOING....."

If I have an issue that needs addressing then fine, but he doesnt actually think I do as I have asked him after the row when this has happened before. He just does it rather than actually address the issue I have brought up.

I try to speak calmly and not accusatory but he just jumps in and starts yelling. I am fucking sick of it. When I wont accept the deflection he shouts for a bit and then sulks, until I speak to him. I left it for 4 days once and he never said a word. Its fucking pathetic.

He knows very well that you either have an issue that needs addressing,or at least an issue that you want to speak about.
Thats why he does what he does,he does not want to hear it,and does not want to have to do anything about it.

Try an ultimatum, couples therapy to lean how to commuicate with each other or just split now.

Doesn't sound anyway to live...

Sounds like it's too much of an effort for him to 'own' it! Ultimatums or live like this from this day forward.

Mu ex did this. There was no way past it

Agree with previous poster. There was no way back from it. Nothing ever got discussed sensibly or resolved. Still like it now to a certain extent and we've been split up for over three years.

The problem deep down I suspect is that he doesn't take your threats seriously. If your marriage is 'beyond shite' and you left but came back despite him making no attempt to save your marriage or even comment on its apparent end, he thinks that he can behave how he likes and you will still be too afraid to end the marriage permanently.

If it's this bad, isn't getting any better and he's behaving like this, why are you still there? And that isn't a question that is meant to elicit a response of 'it's not that simple' - it's a genuine question. Really, truthfully - why are you really still there?

It really is complicated. 6 months ago something happened that means that leaving really isnt an option for ....... well not sure but atleast 2/3 years, possibly longer. In that time I would just like to be able to rub along in the least harmful way, but when this happens I either have to ignore issues and the resentment builds up, or say something and end up having a pointless screaming row that achieves nothing :(

Have you explored all your options WRT getting rid of him and managing alone?Is it that you need him for childcare, or are you tied into a complicated housing lease or something?

Its nothing like money or legals. It is nothing that can be changed with a court order or a solicitor, life isnt always that simple! Its a health issue within the family and it wont be going away anytime soon.

if your marriage is beyond repair,and you have to stay there,then you need to do things for your own sanity.
For example,regularly go away for a few days each week,even if sleeping on soemones sofa,
go in different rooms to your DH if that is practical,
emotionally seperating as in telling him you will only talk about practicatlities.

Okay, you think you've got valid reasons for staying put, but what ever they are (you don't have to say) then I'd urge you to project the costs of staying versus the costs of leaving and to be ruthlessly honest with yourself about whether this health issue is the only reason for not rocking the boat.

What will the cost be to your mental health and emotional wellbeing? And his?
What effect will this role model of a marriage have on your children? If you wait 2-3 more years, how will this impact on your chances of meeting someone new, or starting a new life and interests? And the killer question, how much is this really because of this health issue and how much of it is because you still have some hope that he will come good in the end, or out of fear of being on your own?

If you're committed to stay, it's best to agree some ground rules about how you will interact and co-operate. It's fairly pointless if you've given up on the marriage to try to change him, so it's best to disengage from any discussions that you'd have with a partner where mutual love and respect is part of the deal. Instead it's best to agree that the marriage is over and agree a co-parenting and co-habiting contract, where you sign up to polite and civil communication and absolutely no 'relationship' conversations.

I'd also advise you to get on with your own life as much as this impediment allows, so that when the time comes you will be in the best position to manage on your own.