Can't cope with DP anymore

[riversflow]

I hope someone may be able to offer some wise words or experience to me.

I've been with dp for five years, we have a six month old ds. Dp went out of his way to 'win me over' in the early days as I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time and wasn't really attracted to him initially but he showed himself to be a very kind and generous person, always giving to charity, he adopted a stray dog etc. Yes I know I'm probably a fool but kindness and intelligence are attractive to me so I overlooked the initial lack of interest I had in him and we became best friends and then a couple.

The difficulties started quite early, when dp showed he wasn't really interested in living together or sleeping together other than for sex. He was still a kind person, doing DIY, cooking me meals etc but we didn't do much in terms of couple things, if he did stay the night he would always have a reason to leave early etc.

I told him we had to live together or I was leaving (after a couple of years of dating). He agreed. It was better for a few months but certainly not great. Then I received news that I was infertile. I was devastated. I begged dp to do Ivf with me as I've always wanted children and now in my thirties I was worried it may never happen. He agreed and I thought he was happy. We went through treatment and got pregnant on the first cycle. However, I have always been an emotional person and whilst I was pregnant our arguments increased - I felt frightened and unsupported by dp, he would leave me to cry and sleep in the living room, most of our rows were about the future and he told me he no longer wanted a baby conceived in a lab :(

I was depressed in pregnancy and went on to have pnd. Dp knows this but ignores it. Since ds was born he's barely slept in the same room as us. He only took one day of paternity leave as he's self employed and left me to look after ds alone from the start, even though I'd had a caesarian and had no local friends or relatives. My wound got infected and I was quite ill from this, pnd and general exhaustion. A few weeks ago I was very ill with flu and still bf as ds won't take a bottle. The doctor told dp to take at least one day off to look after me and ds, however dp opted to sleep in the other room and go to work. I can understand if he feels no love for me, but surely he should care for ds?

It keeps coming to a head with arguments and me begging dp to help me and look after ds for a couple of hours and also begging him to sleep in a bed with me etc. He admits he doesn't spend much time with ds and I, he always resolves to change but it never lasts more than a few days. I don't know what I can do other than keep getting to breakdown point with dp, last week I asked him what I could do to get his help, did I need to hurt myself or something for him to realise I can't cope anymore? I keep getting to breaking point and dp just refuses to acknowledge the pnd or help me with ds, other than for an hour or two at the weekend.

I suspect dp is only with me due to ds and I've suggested we break up on numerous occasions but dp stubbornly refuses to. Am I crazy or is this a terrible relationship? Dp isn't lazy and he does work all week and often at the weekends, but he shows no love or even compassion for me, even though he can see me suffering. I am at the point I think it would be better we split up and I could start afresh, with ds being my main priority.

Wow. It sounds really shit riversflow. What do you get out of this relationship? Does he ever show you any affection or respect?

To answer your questions:

No, you're not crazy and yes, this is a terrible relationship.

What do you want to do, given that he is clearly showing that he doesn't love or respect you..? Sorry, I don't meant to be unkind but your post paints a pretty strong picture of an uncaring man.

From a practical point of view, have you seen your GP re the PND? Are you on any medication at the moment? Do you have any ongoing support from your GP / health visitor / counsellor etc?

I'm really sorry that you are in a relationship with such an uncaring man, and I would urge you to work out exactly what you want to happen next. You said that you've suggested that you break up on numerous occasions but he has refused - I'm not clear on how someone can refuse to be broken up with?! If you want to split up (and it sounds as if you do, and should) - tell him! Are you frightened of him? Because if you are, there are many wise people on MN who can help you on a practical and emotional level.

I think you know what you need to do. If you need help with how to do it, let us know...

God, what a really horrible situation.

I don't understand. You think he's with you only because of your son, but at the same time he does nothing to help his son?

He's been incredibly cruel to you when you had just given birth and it can't be a coincidence that you had PND.

You suggest splitting up but I think you should just tell him. Tell him he needs to move out. He stops you enjoying any quality of life.

He does exactly what he wants - now it's time for you to be strong and tell him what's going to happen.

Yes, I agree. Bad relationship, sounds as if it always has been too. Are you sure you have PND or is it just that you are in an abusive relationship with a total prick?

Thanks for confirming that it is a bad relationship and I'm not just crazy. I have often said I think we should split up and he denies its a bad relationship and claims to love me. I've told him so many times that I don't feel his 'love' and he doesn't have any decent answer to this. He went through a phase of doing a fair amount of housework and I think this was to make himself indispensable in the relationship, he would criticize my housework etc, but I would always tell him I did it fine before we lived together.

The thing is that my family (who live far away) think he's a very nice man as he's intelligent and he comes across well, but in reality he doesn't show me any kindness. I feel really guilty to leave him as I feel so sad for ds and I'm worried ds will suffer by being an only child with separated parents. I feel like I've let ds down so badly. I'm on maternity leave at the moment and if I stayed with dp I could stay of work another couple of years rather than have to put ds in nursery, which I'd love, but I guess that would be a bad thing to do ad its a bad reason to stay in a relationship and would make me even more dependent on dp, whereas if I went back to work I guess I could become independent of dp and break free...

The hv and gp have been a bit rubbish, I was diagnosed months ago but they never followed up, just told me to get private counselling as nhs list was too long. They basically treated me like an anxious mother and told me to relax.

Thanks again for your help and replies.

I think its so hard that he appears such a nice guy and paints this picture to everyone, but actually he's very uncaring towards me. I'm really embarrassed to tell people the truth.

If I were to leave him, does anyone know what access arrangement would be usual for ds? I would like him to see his dad, though I think he's far too young to do overnights, would an afternoon each weekend be usual? It's about as much as dp sees ds at the moment. I'm scared dp could use rights to ds as a means of stopping me breaking up with him :(

Well, the first thing I would do would be to change GP and explain the situation to a new doctor ASAP. Yes, the wait for NHS counselling can be long. But a sympathetic GP might be able to help you a lot just by listening to you for 10 minutes, and there may be other services available in your area. Church halls. children's centres etc will have flyers on their notice boards for various counselling services and support groups which may help you, and a new GP practice may well have groups run by the nurses/HVs too.

However - I am inclined to think that your problem may not actually be hormone-induced depression but arsehole-induced depression! I don't mean this to be disrespectful to you or your situation; I imagine I'd be depressed too if I lived in the circumstances you've described. However, I wonder if you have blamed it on hormones/PND instead of blaming his behaviour??

I know this is hard. But never, EVER stay with someone because it would be harder financially if you left.

Cross-posted. Get a free half-hour with a solicitor to find out what his legal rights are re access. Do you believe that he would try to gain a lot of access to your son, given that he barely spends any time with him at present?

He can only stop you leaving if you let him.

Is there anyway you can take ds for a long stay with your family? At this rate you're going to end up in hospital, which would leave 'd'p with your child and you in a very weak position. You have to stop this before it gets that far.

It doesn't matter if he SAYS he loves you- it's how he acts that's important. He certainly isn't acting like a loving father and partner- and hasn't been for a long long time.
Don't even go down the road of thinking of hurting yourself to get his attention- it will never work.
You are throwing good love after bad- as my nan used to say.

Your nan was a wise woman, Mardy.

MrsMcenroe - thanks, I will try to change gp and will speak to hv.

I agree that perhaps its not pnd but rather sadness and loneliness induced by staying with dp. Although dp does very little with ds at the moment, he will know that any threat of taking ds away from me will scare me, perhaps make me stay, so I want to avoid that. I need to think through what I will do, though I'm sure I can't stay in this miserable situation for too much longer.

I asked dh to do ds bath last night, he made a big fuss about having to do it and in fact I did all the setting up etc, he just put ds in the bath and dried him after. I know he does love ds, he's just not interested in childcare and has said before that mums have more natural intuition to look after babies, hence he couldn't look after ds for the afternoon!

Tall - I think I will stay with family for a few days at least. I've been very careful not to text/email any details of 'not coping' with ds in the past few months. Although I'd hope any split was amicable, I'm really aware how often these situations deteriorate and so want to avoid giving him any amunition it we did end up in a custody battle.

Mardy - I also agree with your nans wise words!

Thanks again for all the kind and helpful responses, you have all really helped me :)

Oh poor you, you are having such a tough time. I'm thinking you won't be getting any more support from him if he hasn't given it already.

Try to conserve your energy for looking after yourself & ds, rather than arguing with him.

Of course you should split up, he sounds like an absolute fucking nightmare! My XP was similar, I'm so glad I left.

'natural intuition' my arse. In that vein it should be his natural intuition to protect his family.

I'm glad you're planning to go away for a few days. Do confide in someone while you're there. You may be surprised to discover that they don't actually think he's all sweetness and light after all.

As far as contact is concerned, why not say that you think he should continue with the level of contact he already has, which is Saturday 2 - 5 pm (or whatever he does currently.) He can't really argue with that.

Get rid of him, he's doing you far more harm than good. Ignore any crap about him getting custody of DS, he won't do unless there was conclusive proof of you being a drug addict or violent towards the baby or something like that.

I rather expect that this man's motivation is to look respectable to the outside world, and having a WifeNChild is what he uses to demonstrate his normality, though he's really only interested in himself and doesn;t consider either you or DS as people. Or he may be gay and surrounded by homophobes, that does unfortunately still account for quite a few miserable heterosexual marriages.

Good luck OP, I am rooting for you. You sound like a lovely person and your DS is very lucky to have you.

What I don't understand, is why you 'begged' a man to have children with you when you knew that you weren't happy just living with him?

However, now that you find yourself in the situation you are in then you would be better off without him.

What exactly does your "D"P get out of being in this relationship, do you think? Because i agree with you - he doesn't appear to actually love you, not in any recognised sense of the word - he just likes being in the relationship for some obscure reason.

It is a very bad relationship and you would probably be happier and cope better without him, tbh. Your DS doesn't need an emotional vacuum around him all the time, and perhaps your "D"P might be more of a father to him if he only sees him once a week instead of every day.

Don't know how you managed to find this charmer but you are obviously well shot of him. He sounds odious. Good Luck.

Tell people what he's like. And ask for help from friends/family. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

If there is even a slight chance of you suffering from any kind of depression please do not make any decisions. Specially not such huge ones as leaving your partner. Seek help with for your health. Imagine you have no partner and that you are on your own. Do not expect him to do anything for you. Just concentrate on getting better. Once you are well you can decide what you want to do with your relationship.

Thanks for all the replies, they are really helpful and I'm thinking through all the advice.

I used some of the thoughts raised to discuss with dp last night. I asked him what he got from the relationship and he said he loved me and ds. I told him his behaviour didn't suggest that he loved us. He had no real response, other than to try harder. He's said this so many times before, they are empty words from him.

I also asked him, theoretically, if we were to split amicably and he were to see ds every Saturday afternoon, what would be the difference in the relationship for him? He actually agreed that there would be no difference.

A bit later, he started saying he'd love to have another baby etc. I'm certain he was saying this to try to get me happy and wanting to stay, as a I know from his behaviour and past conversations that he doesn't want to, but he knows how much I love ds and how I've always loved children.

In response to the question of why I begged him for a baby, I was frightened and stupid. It's no excuse, but the infertility diagnosis terrified me I'd never have children and he always said the right things. Another reason, though its no excuse, is that my mother was always in abusive relationships when I was growing up and she would always say a man was good if he didn't hit her, despite all the emotional abuse. Needless to say my own father was rarely around and was never married to her, he was always with someone else and he made no attempt to hide this. I don't have much family for this reason - none of my gp, aunts, uncles etc have ever met me or wanted to meet me due to my being illegitimate.

That probably makes me sound very depressed, but I'm not really, I've always worked and been independent until dp, now I just have to think through how I want the future to be for ds and I. I'm already working out how I can go back to work and rent a flat.