ABUSIVE relationship - go to refuge and fight him for my home? Take rental and leave him to it?

[Blossomgirl]

I have 2ds in a 3bed assured tenancy house with a non-violent abuser. I am leaving, and I am facing the dilemma of my life.

Option 1: I sign over this house to him and rent locally for 6months (the flat is for sale)? Leave ExP in our home and try to 'co-parent'. He is unwell (likely heart op, depression, isolated). I keep this house going, pay all the bills, do all the DIY etc)

Option 2: Go to refuge? Fight for this house (my housing officer's advice)? Does anyone have experience of refuge and the impact on uprooting your children?

Staying is not an option, the abuse has escalated, we are all being damaged and are on alert with 999 and S.Services. Today it's ok, tense. He is out visiting his grown-up daughter and has taken the boys (first time on his own), my experience of the past six weeks since I said I was leaving is that he never stays calm for long.

Do I compromise myself and my home with my children to not deprive them of their father? He says going to a hostel will be the end of him. Do I give him our home, or damage him to get him out?

This is so jumbled in my head, thank you for anyone who reads and has any pointers.

Some other stuff I wrote trying to write the first post:

I have an abusive partner, not really violent abuse. It is every other sort. Nine years worth of a lot of it. I tried to leave 2 years ago but he scared me into staying 'If you stay we can work it out, if you go it's war.' I knew this was going to be hard, it's taken two more years of capitulation but something snapped six weeks ago and I told him I had to leave. I moved into the spare room. (DP's share as they are little)

He has not worked for 2.5 years after an accident at work and he almost never goes out. He is not a father to our 2 sons 4&7, he is the angry man at the computer. My 7yr old sounds and looks just like him when he does not get his own way. My 4yr old is very nervous of adults.

Against the odds I found a flat 1.5 miles away and over the weeks I passed all the references etc. (we are on HB and I work part-time, am self-emplyed and a student= not easy to find private landlord!) My mum loaned me the money to pay for it. He said three weeks ago he would not allow me to 'take the children' if I did not get anger management. He swings between suicide threats (one led to his arrest 3 weeks ago) and telling me he'll get and injunction to take the boys away.

This has not happened in a vacuum, no I am not perfect. I phoned Social Service myself and told them exactly what was going on, what I had done (hit my 7yr old) and asked them to start any process that they needed to. I went to see our couple councellor (from 2years ago) and told him the reasons for me needing to see him urgently. At the end of our session he told me emphatically that I do not have an anger problem, period. I had however described bottled up emotions and a HIGHLY abusive relationship.

I had not realised. I am a strong bird and just took his sh1t but now I see how over the years and especially the last 2 that I have been dancing to his tune to keep the peace. Our poor boys, all I wanted for them I have deprived them of by the very action of grasping onto fantasy.

Now I have a local domestic abuse support worker and a whole load of other new names for old things. I feel like the past six weeks have been about 9months long.

It's a bit jumbled!

I would ( and did) go to a refuge. Is it social housing you are in?

yes, social housing

you did? It was ok then?

Go to a refuge, a clean break is the only way with men like this. You seem to have a lot of professionals working with you. Have any of them advised you to stay with him? I'm guessing not

Housing...... What does housing people say will happen to your tenancy? Is he on it?

Hiya, just wanted to say first off: well done for having the courage to get out of the relationship. I'm sure many others who've been in your shoes will be along to say that although the refuge option seems like it'll uproot everyone, your kids will be so much happier away from their father and the mayhem will be worth it.

You say your house is on an assured tenancy - do you mean a long-term (maybe council?) tenancy or the standard six-month assured shorthold?

I have to say I'd be going for option B as neither you nor your kids have chosen to be abused and I don't see why he should get the 'happy' ending. Why would he have to go to a hostel? And I see his 'be the end of him' comment as a bit of a veiled threat designed to make you feel guilty, if I'm honest. I worried that my (also abusive) exP would top himself if I made him move out because of his behaviour towards me, but since we've split he's been just dandy. To paraphrase the oft-quoted Lundy Bancroft, your partner chooses to behave this way towards you. He'll be just fine once he's finished licking his wounds.

So right, no-one has said stay. It's joint tenancy, I can terminate and they will reissue to me only because of the abuse. He will fight me Olympia, he's already been recording if I ever loose my temper, he has been recording all our conversations, openly.

Thank you for the replies. Yes it is a long-term home Kernowgal. Thank you for sharing your experience, I suspect he might be OK, it's the posibility that he won't that I feel guilt over now, I know that sounds lame, I don't want haunting too

I think you need to get out ASAP.

Women's aid will tell you this is the most dangerous time.... He knows you are going, not much left to lose. Really, just go.

Refuge was fine. I took my 4 dc and we got housed eventually. You will get a grant for furniture etc.

My ex did try to commit suicide.( as he did when together) I had to section him. He fought me using emotion as a threat, but the refuge supported me. No email and change phone. No contact. He fought me in court too. He got nothing.

Funnily enough, 7 years on and we get on now.

Yes Ivana, rented place is available now. I gain distance, but the refuge, I think?, would give me a chance to make these big decisions at a distance?

Olympia, thank you!

That guilt is a horrible thing, Blossomgirl, and it's what's kept my mum married to my dad for far too long, and me with my ex for a good year more than I should have been. Love and strength to you. x

Go to refuge and get tenancy in your name. You have to look after yourself and your kids. Social housing is not easy to come by!

Do what you need to do to get out, fast. You can think about the niceties later. That's my instinct, though it is your call - you have to judge the situation on the ground.

If you can go to the refuge and rent the flat later, excellent.

There are many contradictions in your post, suggesting the the ability to believe two conflicting things at once without flinching, a habit learned from sheer self-preservation. ('He's damaging us/I don't want to deprive them of their Dad').:(

As to whether your H is 'damaged' by this, or whatever he says about being 'finished', he is going to have to tough it out. Kernowgal's scenario is much more common.

Right now your safety and that of your DCs is an absolute priority.

Ivana :)

Have to say yes or no to rental on Monday or

Have to phone the refuge back to do the referral.

Called the police Wednesday, he knows if he hits me he is out, got very frightened though by the advancing and gesturing ended up in locked bathroom with boys. Poppycock he says, me? scary?

Boys are physically safe. He is not a hitter. He is with relatives.
They will be back in a couple of hours. I will find out later if he was shouty or not, this is new ground, without me too. They know we are splitting.

It's worrying. When do you think you will go? Do you drive, have a car?

I would move to a new home. I know it sounds cowardly to say I wouldn't want to antagonise him any more but I wouldn't want him to make the situation even worse.

In any event, I'd like to start again in a new home where you don't have any memories of anything bad happening. It will be a fresh start.

Thank you Ike and Lady. Inside 5 minutes I could believe black was white Lady, you read me well. That is why I am so uncertain about this flat, because my head is swarming. Ike, I know, the thought of never coming back is so hard.

It's hard to trust all this help almost, but I cannot offer safety to the boys here. 'Look what you are doing' he shouts at me when they are not coping. I have no choice really. This is normal here.

Olympia, I drive, we have a van, it is in his name. I don't know how it works, there is a mainline train station here, even though we are in the sticks.

Imp, that is a good thought. I have to not let fear of his reaction guide my choice tho'

thanks Kern, it's easy to put life on hold for bad stuff

In a practical sense, which is the better flat? Consider it in terms of price, closeness to school/shops/family and in terms of repair.

Thank you all for your support, and taking the time to reply. I've just had a long think (not that i've done much else lately), and again and again I've come back to the same place. Get out to think. I'm going to start another thread with this in mind.
much love and thanks, Blossom

Think of any way to leave and fast as he knows you going... Similar to my exp. including threats etc.

And main thing. Is take dc and do not have contact with him for a few weeks (except maybe strictly supervised npublic place )
The kids will be fine honestly and it gives time to suss out if he is killing himself or not. Because lets say he really was well you don't want your ds to be around him do you ?

If you feel responsibility let his gp know you leaving and the day so they can chose to check on him (or not ) their call not yours . how he deals with the spit is his responsibility . Easier said than done I know...

You focus in you and dc and being safe.

Longer term you review with professionals what kind f contact would be appropriate.

I thin you go for the easiest short term solution to get out as the cornering making you lock in bathroommetc is not something you want to do for many days ...