Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I think I have to finish a relationship by email - please guide me

23 replies

GreenLivingRoom · 21/07/2012 09:32

So been with a guy for 3 years roughly. It has never been right and we only got together in the first place because we were both in a bad way emotionally. We have a few things in common so the fact that we only see each other on a weekend (usually once a fortnight, despite living 10 minutes from each other!) has worked out ok - as we do our "in common" stuff then. But it's just not working anymore. I've moved on. During these 3 years I have grown in confidence, I have new hobbies, new friends - a new career even.

Anyway - I broke it off with him about 2 months ago. Somehow though, we ended up falling into bed again a week later and he assumed we were back on and bought me a huge thing of flowers and booked a romantic weekend away. I was overcome with guilt and decided to give it another go.

But it was never going to work!! I am not happy! I'm happy with my life in general - all apart from this one aspect!! So a few weeks ago I broke it off with him again. That weekend, we somehow ended up in bed together and the same thing happened - he assumed we're back on and buys me loads of stuff and I feel guilty and decide to give it another go.

But it's ridiculous and needs to end NOW. It really does - as I've met someone else.

I can't tell him I've met someone else as it would cut him up but I do need to break up with him in a way which suggests no "get back in beds". I'm thinking an email this time along the lines of:

Things are not working out, sorry to do this by email but I don't think we should see each other anymore. Sorry.

What do you think? I don't want to drag this out any further, it's doing my head in.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 21/07/2012 09:33

I don't see why you can't tell him face to face and not end up shagging him?

rubyslippers · 21/07/2012 09:34

Don't end by email

Call him - be a grown up

You describe it like you've no control over ending back in bed with him when of course you do

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2012 09:35

Hi X

I really don't things are working out for us. I know I've said this before but each time we've ended up in bed and it's been too difficult to stick to my decision. You're a lovely man and we've had some really great times together and I will miss you, but it is time to call it a day now.

I'm sorry for emailing this rather than telling you face to face but you can see what happened the last couple of times I broached this.

Take care,

Original poster

GreenLivingRoom · 21/07/2012 09:37

Just so that I don't drip feed - this is a guy with no friends, no hobbies and no interests other than me. He goes to work and then the rest of his time is ME. My new hobbies have become his "fake interests" as he can't bare to do anything without me. He won't go anywhere without me. He even wants me to tell him how to decorate HIS house because if I don't like it - he doesn't like it. He copies everything I do, where I shop, where I go - this is why us breaking up "for real" will impact him quite a lot because without me, he has work and that's it.

OP posts:

Original poster

GreenLivingRoom · 21/07/2012 09:40

Blether, that sounds good, thank you.

I feel so guilty but I need this chapter closing. I would never cheat on anyone but I really like this new guy and am not prepared to lose this opportunity through this joke of a relationship.

Maybe I should tell him face to face? I suppose what puts me off is if I text him saying "can you come around?" or "can we meet up to talk?" he gets really excited at seeing me - I AM his social life. So to get his hopes up and then shoot him down seems so harsh.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 21/07/2012 09:44

"this is a guy with no friends, no hobbies and no interests other than me. He goes to work and then the rest of his time is ME."

Yet despite living literally on each others door steps, you only see each other once ever two weeks. ...

He just likes the control. Send the email and move on.

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2012 09:48

Didn't you post about him before?

I couldn't finish with someone face to face who is all excited about seeing me. I suppose you couldn't call in?

He must have survived before he met you. How on earth did he manage to meet you if he leads such a solitary life?

Just send it.

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2012 09:49

How come you only see each other every couple of weeks? If you do, he clearly manages the rest of the time.

I've tried to find your other posts - nc?

Original poster

GreenLivingRoom · 21/07/2012 09:49

Plenty of Fish

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 21/07/2012 09:50

I don't see anything wrong with telling him by email given all the information you've told us.

I know this is mean but he sounds totally creepy to me.

I would NOT want a partner with no friends, who wants me to be glued by his side and who actually takes up MY hobbies to try and stay close to me.

OhEmGee24 · 21/07/2012 09:58

If you're the centre of his life, how come you only see him once a fortnight? Seemingly he manages fine alone the majority of time therefore. Also, at 3 years you'd expect - though I agree perhaps a generalisation - to have more commitment between you, ie be living together. So perhaps he's not too sure either? Just a hunch...

PrimaBallerina · 21/07/2012 10:05

Blether's email is a good. Just get it over with*

I was going to say exactly the same as rubyslippers about you always just 'somehow' ending up in bed with him. He sounds unattractively needy not irresistible!

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2012 10:56

It'll be funny to see him on POF again listing all your hobbies.

Do you remember what his hobbies were when you met him? I wonder whose those were originally.

izzyizin · 21/07/2012 11:59

Do you have beds that move around on a mission to trip up the unwitting so that they 'fall' into them?

It's been 3 years and now you want to dump him because you've found someone else.

Given the recent gifts he's showered on you which you've accepted without demur, I reckon you owe him a face-to-face explanation that your relationship has run its course, its no longer viable for you, and you wish him well for the future.

To avoid those rogue beds, I would suggest you schedule your final meeting with him at a venue some distance from your home - and refuse any offer he may make to escort you home by grabbing a cab or jumping on a bus.

Out of curiousity, where did you meet your potential new squeeze?

Anniegetyourgun · 21/07/2012 12:21

I, too, am intrigued by the irresistible bed scenario, and also wondering why it is not possible to say to the guy that this does NOT mean you're back on again, that was a "one last time" shag, not make-up sex, and you are NOT up for weekends away. If he books one, tough, he'd better unbook it fast. Clearly the magic bed is also soundproofed.

Well, if the guy's that good at seduction, I shouldn't worry about him being devastated for long, he'll very soon hypnotise some other poor woman.

lisaro · 21/07/2012 12:34

You finish it, you shag him, he buys you stuff so you stay with him for a bit. You finish it, you shag him, he buys you stuff so you stay with him for a bit.
It's not great, is it.

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2012 12:41

I've only got half of the story here.

What's he buying her?

I know it's a namechange, but what was the OP's original name? And why change it if it's a continuation of an existing problem?

Akermanis · 21/07/2012 12:50

Prepare a script of what you want to say to him, please don't say anything similar to "I still like you", "you're a lovely man", just say you don't want to see him anymore and you dont want any further contact from him, read your prepared script and put the phone down.

I know it sounds harsh but it's better in the long run and he will be clear about what you want.

EnjoyResponsibly · 21/07/2012 12:52

Meet him, end it, leave.

Do not arrange date in shop with beds, house with beds, hotel with beds r even near flower beds.

HTH.

izzyizin · 21/07/2012 13:04

We don't have an itemised list of all of the gifts the sap he bought the OP during their 3 year relationship, IB, but in the past 2 months he has lavished 'a huge thing of flowers', 'a romantic weekend away' and ''loads of stuff' on her.

Under the cirumstances, IMO, he warrants the courtesy of a face-to-face ending.

GhostShip · 21/07/2012 13:07

So he's extremely attached to you but you still want to end it by email?

Be a grown up with a sense of responsibility and speak to him face to face. I actually pity this man.

And if you can't stop yourself from jumping in a bed with him then well...

izzyizin · 21/07/2012 13:07

@ ERs 'flower beds'

Those patches of municipal flora that brighten urban areas can be a gal's downfall - especially if she unwittingly falls into one

SerendipitousHarlot · 21/07/2012 23:29

Yeah, I agree with izzy - you owe it to him to finish it face-to-face. Why did you accept the gifts if you knew that you were eventually going to bin him off?

I agree he sounds like a bit of a pita, but think it's really off that you would dump him by email after 3 YEARS.

Just go to a pub and do it, and don't go to bed with him

Flip