Split up with EA, VA and FA ex about 10 years ago after a pretty horrifying marriage. DD was just 2 at the time. Realised the full extent of his abuse thanks to mN in last couple of years and accept that he is, most probably, a narc.
For 2 years he did the expected messing around with contact with DD, arranging and cancelling, turning up late and screaming abuse if i called to see where he was, the predicted game. He had made great claims as to what he would give me as maintanance, but in reality I kept a tally and after 2 years it was a third of what he had offered (which I hadnt thought he would actually be able to afford, but he ho) And he had seen her about 20 times in those 2 years if I recall....
Then DD was diagnosed with a condition which meant that I had to change from being a full time student to a part time student, and applied for JSA which, at that time, meant that I had to then involve the CSA. Ex was not impresssed and didnt believe me when I told him I had no choice (a pattern, as he tended never to believe a word I said, even though I had never been proven to lie and he was almost compulsive in that respect)
anyways, he was self employed at the time and they calculated the grand sum of £5 a week. he never paid. they ammassed arrears but nothing much ever seemed to be done about it.
In 2006 something happened which meant that contact was stopped, and as he refused to deal with it he ended up not seeing her until 2010. During this time he went abroad for about 9 months and I only knew he was back because I suddenly noticed csa payments coming into my account for the first time. he was signing on. More stuff happened and eventually we managed to get to court and he started supervised contact with dd and my mum. Supposedly every 2 weeks, but probably averages out at every 3 weeks. Started around June 2010. A little way in he started giving dd some money when he saw her, and shortly my mum took the money to give to me towards maintanance. Some of the time he was signing on and i got CSA, some of the time he wasnt and I didnt. I know nothing about his work situation there are suspicions of some dodgy dealings and he always runs a car/has cash/holidays/private doc appointments, etc.
Recently CSA have been in touch with me. He has signed off and I guess they want to calculate his wages and make him start paying the arrears. He has told them that he has been giving me money, and I sent the court order and worked out about how much he had given me, and they have taken it off the arrears. He wants to pay me direct. He has told my mum that he wants to give me £20 a week, as thats what he gives the mum of his other kid, if he can afford it.
Twice now my mum has said I need to let him pay me direct, and when I have said I would rather have CSA deal with it she has got all cats bum mouth and said 'well I will keep out of it'
I tried to explain that he isnt really giving me any 'extra' as what he gives me is just clearing nearly 6 years of arrears. She and him are a bit buddy buddy, although she likes to laugh at him and point out his failings. All I want is for him to be nice to DD, and she seems happy to see him with the current set up.
Now he has texted me and asked if my mum has spoken about the money. i think I am being reasonable in just wishing to keep it with the CSA. I assume if I stop that, then I will lose the chance of EVER getting any arrears back, and tbh the amounts are so paultry given dd is starting secondary school, I think its more the principle at stake here than the money.
Im not sure i trust him to pay maintanance reliably. I dont see why I should write off what he didnt bother to pay. I dont really want to have to deal or not deal with him, and I would rather he didnt make himself feel like the big man giving my mum £20 quid when he sees dd, and that they just collect it directly on my behalf. I dont have contact with him, so I guess I will have to face my mothers disapproval and CBM again, and tell her I am quite happy with the csa doing it. But think it might blow up in my face
I dont really know what I am asking. Maybe just a reassurance that its OK not to do what other people seem to want me to do....