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Original poster

Have I pushed him too far!

12 replies

sam2483 · 20/07/2012 20:15

Hello ladies, I am looking for some advise. I have been with my husband for 7 years married for nearly 4 of them. I already had my eldest when we got together and found out I was pregnant 5 days before we were due to get married. He was thrilled when I told him....or so I thought. We had our son and then when he was 4 months old found out we were expecting again. There is only 13 months between them. And yes it is tough. My middle son may have ADHD and am awaiting for him to be referred. Since having the boys so close together my life has ground to a halt, and my relationship is now taking a serious battering because of it. My husband would never cheat on me I know what for sure but because I have very little contact with the outside world....mainly because I don't like going out due to my sons behaviour...I accuse him of the most stupid things! When we do he says he is leaving because he cant stand it any more. Yesterday I think I just finished it off for good. We had made a deal on Sunday that I would have 1 night a week out, visiting friends/going to bingo, and he would have some personal time too. Monday night he had a friend round, Tuesday night he went out on his bike, Wednesday night I had planned to see a friend but unsure if I told him.... When he came in from work he said that he was going round a mates... I didn't say anything about my plans because I didnt want to rock the boat as we were getting on and happy. Thursday when I was dropping out son off at playgroup I text him if he wanted me to stop as I needed a cuddle(bad day) he said he was of to the Tesco express, I replied that I was going to go there after seeing him, just mealy stating I was going to go there..he text back Just give me some space!!please leave me alone. I thought nothing bad of this as he usually has a bad morning at work, so I just said well let me know when you are done there then I will go in. I was parked up and waiting when I saw him walk into the car park with a girl I didn't know. Looking at him like he was having sex with her right there in front of me I had a go at him!! WHAT FOR!! He was doing nothing wrong!! I know he wasn't, he was just walking there with someone he works with! My mouth engages before my brain all the time and I am a green eyed monster with it! Is it because I don't get out? I hope that it is not too late and he listens to me when I say that I want to change I don't want to be like this with him any more. All I need is some free time to be me...he has it all the time. I am raising our kids (what feels like) single handedly, and its tiring tough and exhausting and would love to be out working. All I would like is a bit of me time so that I can rediscover myself and have a laugh to find the old me again... Any one else in the same situation? If you have read it to here then I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time, I really do xxx

OP posts:
Offred · 20/07/2012 20:21

It sounds as if you are talking at each other and not with each other. Why would saying you had made plans be "rocking the boat" does he kick off if you assert yourself?

Houseofplain · 20/07/2012 20:23

You sure he's not cheating? Sounds to me like he is and he's making you doubt your own sanity. Is he ever at home?

Either way, cheating or not.....he gets an awful lot of me time doesnt he?

amillionyears · 20/07/2012 22:56

You need some time off
Can you leave the kids with DH for 2 or 3 days?
Does he ever look after them without you there?

Original poster
sam2483 · 21/07/2012 08:16

I think that is the case with him, he talks I listen. He doesn't get kick off just doesn't like hearing what I have to say. I am a strong woman and have had a lot of things go bad in my past and it had I thought made me strong enough to stand up to people. I just didn't want say anything in case it started a row :(

OP posts:
Original poster
sam2483 · 21/07/2012 08:33

No he hasn't ever cheated, and never would. He is the type of bloke that would shit himself if it came to it. He does go out but I know where he is and I know when he is lying. And yes he goes out to have personal space a lot!

OP posts:
Original poster
sam2483 · 21/07/2012 08:35

The only time he looks after them is if I need to pop to the shop quick. He never attempts to be a active part in out kids lives its always me!

OP posts:
Offred · 21/07/2012 08:48

Do you think you still want to be with him? I know your post is about pushing him too far but the overall impression I get is that he is not allowing you to exist at all in the relationship which is about his needs all the time.

If you want to stay together you need help to communicate.

itsthequietones · 21/07/2012 09:05

I am a strong woman and have had a lot of things go bad in my past and it had I thought made me strong enough to stand up to people. I just didn't want say anything in case it started a row

I think you are a strong woman, but putting your needs and concerns aside because you don't want to start a row is very worrying. It's showing that your relationship is very unbalanced. He has no problem putting himself first, but makes it difficult for you to do the same. He doesn't listen to you, doesn't seem to take an active part in family life, wants more space away from you all (if he's out just about every night how is he going to achieve this?), and is happy to keep you pretty much trapped in the house. All of his needs are being met, none of yours are.

You sound tired, unhappy and in desperate need of support and given your situation I'm not suprised.

he says he is leaving because he cant stand it any more. Does he say this when you try to stand up for yourself?

amillionyears · 21/07/2012 09:33

Agree with everything itsthequietones said.
Your post is about "have I pushed him too far"?
He isnt really doing anything for you.
Are you saying that if you "ask " for any time off at all from the children apart from a quick run to the shops,he is going to leave you?

QuintessentialShadows · 21/07/2012 09:39

It sounds like he has a lot of free time and you very little.

But, do you often go to his work for "cuddles"?
It seemed quite clear to me that he did not want you to come to work, he was making excuses, and he even told you to leave him alone, yet you still came to sit outside his work in your car. This seems a bit odd to me.

Having a bad morning does not normally equal showing up at your spouses place of work for a cuddle.

MiniTheMinx · 21/07/2012 10:11

Surely the more free time he has and the more he pushes you away the more clingy you become. You really need to talk to each other and meet each other half way.

You need time together, with out the children, he needs time with the children while you have time on your own.

squeakytoy · 21/07/2012 10:19

"Monday night he had a friend round, Tuesday night he went out on his bike, Wednesday night I had planned to see a friend but unsure if I told him.... When he came in from work he said that he was going round a mates..."

"The only time he looks after them is if I need to pop to the shop quick. He never attempts to be a active part in out kids lives its always me!"

There is a lot wrong here. He is behaving like one of your children, not your husband. He should not be swanning off doing whatever he fancies every night, and he should be spending time with you and the children when he finishes work.

I am sorry. I know you say you trust him, but I get the feeling that he is pulling the wool over your eyes.

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