How do you cope with the lonelieness?

[RunningWithSharpScissors]

I separated from my H about a year ago. He'd been having emotional affairs for about 10 years which I tried to deal with, but in the end I had to give up because it was making me so unhappy.
But, he was still my friend, he still looked out for me, was supportive, was nice to me etc.
Now I'm on my own, I'm so lonely, I'm still unhappy and now there's no-one there either.
I had been married for nearly 30 years. I hate being on my own. I've tried internet dating, but my heart just isn't in it. I'm so confused, I don't think I love him any more, but at the moment I feel that anything is better than this loneliness.
A few years ago I would have given anything for a weekend of peace on my own, but now it's looming ahead of me, it's just something I have to get through before I go back to work on Monday.
My friends are all couples, I've tried to make new friends, taken a couple of evening classes, but I find it very difficult to 'chat' or make small talk. I feel like I have nothing to give any more. My self-confidence is through the floor, I feel so desperately empty.

I have lots of DCs.

I feel lonely.

It would be wrong to fill the "adult" gap with them, I cannot and would not share my thoughts, hurts, pain with them.

For them i am mostly happy, together, busy, interested, kind (mostly), helpful, secure and loving. And if I must be sad then it is real and I explain but it is not up to them to fill the gaps/make it better.

Adult conversation, companionship, compassion, understanding. These I miss though i never really had them.

so yes, i would say that I can be lonely with a house full of DC

Ask yourself what did you really have with your h though? Do you really want to have him back then live with all the worry and wondering what he's upto.

"I thought it would get easier with time, but it seems to be getting more difficult."

This really hit home. After I separated the first 6 mths or so were filled with friends and an energy to create a new life and get a new job and a Masters degree and move and re-train and get hobbies. I went into energy-filled whirlwhind mode, contacted all my old friends and set up anything and everything to do. I think it was a shield to stop myself from really accepting that I am all alone and losing my home (he took that) and to stop myself from feeling broken-hearted. Then I came crashing down. It had to happen. The positive is that you have to hit rock bottom and recognise what you've lost and how your life has changed before you can rebuild a more realistic new life with what you do have. Maybe this has been your time to really feel the crappiness and loneliness of it and from now on things will get better. I know this sounds trite and I'm half trying to convince myself that I believe it too, but there are lots of us going through it with you.

Mable, your words are a perfect description of the 'crash and burn'

When I lost DH - I too went into 'whirlwind' because I was going to survive! I had friends calling every day, phoning and checking I was okay. I was carefully 'watched' at work because I had to make important judgements and I performed even better than I had done before!

My rock bottom was 2 years after DH died. Nobody remembered his anniversary, I wasn't invited to 'couple events' any more, I worked and slept - and slept and worked; and attending family events alone was like leaping a 9 foot wall.

You will get there - but don't hurry to the finishing line. Take your time and stroll with those of us who are offering a hand to hold. It is a lonely path and we have all arrived here via different routes. But it is the same journey.

oh I just wrote a really long post and lost it because the site went down just I tried to post it...

RWSS I understand how you feel.
My marriage ended 6 years ago after being together almost 25 years. I'd lost friends during the last few years of the marriage and then my best friend emigrated.
I've got nobody I can now call a friend, just an acquaintance who I meet up with for coffee every few months. Nice next door neighbour. That's it. I am so isolated and my world is tiny. I've not seen or spoken to another person since Friday evening.
I am so lonely and thinking of going back to exH too. I'm afraid of the future and feel like my isolation is affecting me on a mental health level..I often feel somewhat depressed and anxious.
It's hard to make new friends when you get older, especially if you have no DC like me. I live in a village and people here are friendly, in that they say hello or good afternoon when you pass on the pavement, but it's hard to develop an ongoing relationship with anyone. I remember driving past the local primary school at 9am a few years ago and felt so envious of all the mums who were there chatting away to each other....

Sorry to make the post all about me...just needed to get it out and let you know that that I understand and you're not alone, we can see that from other posts too. Now if only we all lived near to each other and could arrange a get together of some sort.

just a quick post before I dash out to work ...
Thank you to everyone who's posted, somehow it helps to know I'm not alone in feeling this way and I'm so sorry for the pain some of you are experiencing.
I'm feeling a little better today, not so desolate and weepy, but there's still that big empty space, fear of the future and the loss of the secure and comfortable future I had :(
Malory - your post humbled me, I see and talk to people (at work), my best friend lives in the north (I'm in the south) so I can speak to her on the phone. My other friends are couples, we go out occasionally. You seem very isolated in comparison - have you thought about some voluntary work? or even some 'non-voluntary' work? Whereabouts in the country are you? you can send me a private message if you feel more comfortable doing that.
Have to go, won't be back on here til later this evening, hope everyone has a 'good' day. x

I think the secret is to find things you enjoy doing, and, if you can only find little enthusiasm for things then force yourself.

If you think about who you like, they are often happy and enthusiastic about things. I mean you won't be attracted to moaning minnies bewailing their lives.

And once you have an air of enjoying life about you, you will meet others. Ime you can't just find friends and if you make aquaintances you have to have something to talk about and if your life is nothing but watching tv how much chat time can you fill with that.

There are books on retirement and how to fill your life. Try some of their ideas, make a list of what you ARE GOING to do and immediately you have something to look forward to and you appear more interesting and are more likely to meet people. And, of course, you are more likely to meet people following these new interests.

Close friends who you can talk honestly about your feelings to don't just pop up, they have to have time to develop.

I can sympathise with you all. I found out exH was having an affair, which I had long suspected, 4.5 years ago. After he had gone, people were marvellous, inviting me to things (though I didn't want to go), accompanying me on nights out when the DC were with exH, which were ok but I still felt an undercurrent of loneliness which was made worse when I returned to the empty house. That was the pits. My dog helped a lot there, always pleased to see me! I know what some of you mean about the future being empty and dark, I thought that too, it scared me.

I was thrown into this huge social whirl, but I knew people were just being kind, and, inevitably, life moved on, they thought I was 'better', and that's when the real emptiness started. Yes, I had 3 young DC but although we had loads of fun there was still something missing for me. I still carried a torch for exH and relied a bit on him for money and help (he was always a control freak and wouldn't let me do anything, I was v dependent on him). I tried dating at that point (10 months post -split) which was soul-destroying. Met some lovely people but no spark and they were all as lonely as me. Some quite desperate and a bit scary!! I met one very nice man in a club queue who was a lot of fun, we dated for a while but I made an arse of myself by being horribly needy and emotional, wrecked the whole thing. I wasn't ready - I was looking for someone to make me feel complete and secure again and didn't realise for quite some time that person had to be me.

I stopped dating and started a degree. I also volunteered with the National Trust which was fab. I took every invitation and created as many opportunities for myself as I could without being annoying (I hope). Then, typically, when I'd become emotionally independent of exH or any man, and felt confident and content with myself and my little life, I met an amazing man by chance at a party. He said I had an inner glow and he liked my independence. Some time later, he moved in and I actually RESENTED giving up my space and routines a bit, though he's worth it. Hated sharing my lovely big bed. It took a while to enjoy it, and that really surprised me.

I think if I'd met him earlier things would have been different. I would have been needy and emotional, and it was better that I had the time to be on my own and get used to it, and used to myself. I love him dearly but I know if this ends (which it won't) I would be ok, it's been a wierd journey but I'm glad it took so long.

What I'm trying to say, in a thread-hijacking kinda way, is that you will also be ok. Take every invitation, open as many doors for yourself as possible. Be proud of every single achievement; like yourself, indulge yourself, forget dating until you feel stronger because it is soul- destroying if you're not. Give yourself time. You all sound so lovely! You will all be fine, I promise! The future is exciting, who knows how it will tutn out...?

wow spellcheck, thank you :) and I'm really glad you found some happiness, hopefully you will inspire us all !
I took a small step today, bumped into someone (female) that used to work in our office ages ago, I suggested having lunch. That may not sound like much to any of you, but I'm quite a shy person and would never normally have issued an invitation like that, but she's an extremely outgoing and friendly person and I know she won't mind me practising my 'chatting' skills on her :)

Sounds as if you're making progress RWSS, that's a big setp for someone who's quite shy.
I work from home and while that has some lovely advantages I do find it very isolating. There was a thread here awhile ago and a few people worked at home and were finding it quite lonely. Changing my job isn't a possibility for at least the next couple of years so I do need to find a way to meet some people. Things tend to get a busier around here once the summer is over and everyone's back to work/school etc so I'll keep my eyes open for classes etc to join.

Spellcheck your post made me a bit teary. I've lost all belief or hope that things will turn out ok! I'm going to quote Bridget Jones but getting eating by alsatians is my big fear too. Oh and being the slightly odd lonely old woman with holes in her cardigans and a house full of cats...
But well done to you for turning things around and meeting someone lovely too.